Firelight burning brightly, illuminating the ash falling upon the dew crusted green grass. Homes burning to a pile of ash before my very eyes. Not just my home, but it was my grandmother’s and the two farmhands, who all lived in the three-story farmhouse.
Lying on the ground, pain coursing through my ankle and up my leg, I cried seeing the sight. I knew I was powerless to do anything with a broken ankle and leg along with a dead cell phone. Horror was coursing through my veins faster than blood as I tried to back away.
My already painful experience got worse as the wind picked up, blowing lightweight flaming objects towards me. But as the wind kept increasing, a piece of wood fell upon my bad leg, heavy enough to intensify the pain, not enough to burn, and causing enough pain for me to black out.
‘Wake up!’ a voice sounded nearby, or so I thought. A high pitched wail of a siren was in the air, it was annoying. The pressure from the wood had been lifted away though the painful burning sensation was still there. As I was still on my back, I pushed myself to a partial sitting position. I saw flashing lights and people running in my general direction, yelling something that was incoherent to me. As dizziness set in and I allowed myself to sink back down.
My eyes fell shut, and the world fell back into darkness, thought it wasn’t another blackout. I heard another set of voices and then hands picking me up. I cried out in pain as my right foot and leg moved, tears cutting through the ash that covered my face. Only a few heartbeats passed before I was placed down again.
It was far more comfortable and felt cushioned- so I knew that I must have been placed on a stretcher. The fact that it was soft was enough to cause me to relax. It felt so amazing after having been lying on the ground for who knows how long. I felt the wind on my face as I think I was lifted up.
The next thing I knew I have bright lights hitting my eyelids, making it uncomfortable. As I stopped moving, finally, I felt a needle penetrate my skin, and then a rush of fluids. A couple of seconds passed before I started to feel better. The pain wasn't as bad as it had been.
For the first time since I was found, I opened my eyes- blinded by the sudden change in the lighting. I had been right about the bright lights, as it was giving a headache looking up at it. I turned my head sideways, to see a paramedic sitting on the bench beside me. His face turned happy when he realized that I was indeed awake.
"Hey, buddy. Could you tell us where exactly it hurts?" he asked, his voice gentle like Grandmothers.
I frowned. I hated questions like that, but I answered his questioned. With difficulty from the pain, I answered, "It's all down my right leg...nearly all the way to my toes."
He nodded, pen flying across a paper that was on a clipboard. He looked back up at me, and asked, "Could you tell me your name? And the birth date?"
I sighed, "Alexander Tyler Fredricks. February eighteenth nineteen ninety-seven."
The pain medicine they gave to me wasn't enough. It wouldn't be until they braced the broken bones.
"Well, Alex. We will be at the hospital soon. I don't know what will happen once we give you to them, though, okay?"
"Sure, whatever," I said, fear in my eyes.
I have a terrible dislike and fear of hospitals ever since my Grandfather died in the middle of a visit because he had a really bad heart attack after a major surgery. They never did anything to help him, nor did they come in and make sure he was okay.
I haven't stepped foot inside a hospital ever since and now it looks like I have no choice. Well, I better get over it real quick or I am going to have a long time in the cursed building.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello GreenTulip! writerkitty is here to review your amazing story!
First of all, I must say that you have a really good start. I like how you started the chapter with an injured protagonist who's stuck in the middle of a life and death situation. it really made me eager to know what'll happen next, and the first person point of view really made it all seem realistic. Your descriptions are amazing and you clearly showed out the feelings and pains of the main character. It wasn't hard for me to understand how weak and injured he was.
And the other thing is, you didn't include too much information and didn't give out too many clues to the reader. And so, it wasn't boring but it sure made us eager to know what happens next. You managed to keep the reader interested until the end of the chapter! Good job!
I like the way you describe his hatred towards hospitals because of his grandfather's death. And I really felt for it, because that actually happened to a close relative of mine. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, everything so far seemed real and you didn't force anything and the whole story moves on with a good flow.
Your dialogue was good too, it also helped to give out a few information about the protagonist.
Overall, this is an amazing chapter and I can't wait to read the next one!
Never stop writing and have an amazing day!!!
writerkitty
Hello GreenTulip! CHRISSY321 here to give a short review!
That is exactly something you always want to have in your writing: a great hook to keep people coming back for more 
Sorry that this review will be fairly short, but there was really nothing to fix! I just want to point out some great aspects that I found in you work:
I really loved how you told us what was going on, but not completely! It left a sense of mystery, making readers want to come back for more.
One more thing that I love you did is that you told a a little about who the character was. We know he is probably 18 and his name, and such like that. It was just great how you were able to tell us the info without just being like " this guy's name is Alex and he is 18". You made is flow and be in the story in a way that helped the story flow, so it did not feel forced! Awesome!
There was one little mistake however that I think you should fix:
Here you need a comma after 'eighteenth'.
Overall this was a great first chapter! I cannot wait to read more! Great job!
~Chrissy <3
Hi Terian to review this work. This was really cool and mysterious. Interesting straight off of the bat, with all the fire, and the arrival of the ambulance. Nice job!
Let's get the nitpicks over and done with. If you're going to be revising this as you've said in the about section, then look out for parts like this....
"....who all lived in the three story farmhouse."
Three "storey" farmhouse!
"Lying on the ground, pain coursing through my ankle and up my leg,"
You're getting your tenses mixed up. It should be "I lay on the ground."
"I opened my eyes- blinded...."
I'm no expert on punctuation but I think you need to put a colon in the place of the
hyphen.
"His face turned happy,"
This is a bit of an odd sentence. Have it as "Relief grew on his face," or maybe "He smiled with relief." He's just saved a seriously injured boy. "Happy" might be slightly wrong phrasing!
"his voice gentle like Grandmothers."
I'm assuming he's talking about his Grandmother, rather than Grandmothers in general! "Grandmothers" should be "Grandmother's".
One thing I noticed about this was the use of description. You've used some very impressive techniques, but alot of the time these seem a little forced. This is supposed to be dramatic and shocking, but a lot of the description makes this seem awkward.
One example was at
"blowing lightweight flaming objects towards me "
This just doesn't really seem to work that well. The description takes away the sense of panic. You need to be more strategic in where you place stuff like this. Maybe use fragmented sentences at the beginning or similar techniques to add effect.
One more thing I'd like to see is more sadness, or more remembrance at what he's been through. Sure, at first he's crying and in pain, but later on he's talking to the paramedic as if nothing happened. It just seems a bit rushed. He'd probably want to adjust a bit for he starts answering question if his house has burnt down. (Has his Grandmother been killed too? I couldn't really get that.)
Hope this was helpful and that I didn't sound too harsh. This was a good story and I'm looking forward to seeing more! Keep writing!