Unloveable

"I don't understand you!"

"Because you never take the time to understand me!" Her voice hit me with the intensity of one thousand bricks, but I was stubborn, and of course I wouldn't let it end there. I had to press her more... I had to keep going.

"Don't bullshit with me! You're never at home when I call you! Even when you tell me your dad wanted you to stay home and do chores! Or some cock-a-bull story like that!" I moved closer to her, bending down slightly so I could get closer to her face and see just how much I was hurting her. Childish, I know, but I wanted her to feel what I felt, to know just how bad my heart ached. Of course, I knew what was coming, Jin was not the type of girl to back off so quickly, that I knew.

"How dare you,"

"No how dare you! My sharp voice cut her off quickly in mid sentence, "I followed you..." I stopped catching myself, I was showing a side I never wanted anyone to see... especially the girl I loved standing in front of me. I could see it building up in her eyes, but some emotions I couldn't understand.

"You followed me?" Jin's dark brown eyes narrowed slightly, and her brow furrowed, I could only imagine what thoughts where running in her head.

"Yeah well..." I paused to think, why did I go? "You kept blowing me off... so I decided to just, follow you... no big deal." If it wasn't such a big deal, then why couldn't I bring myself to look her in the eyes? My heart sank a bit, why did I feel so bad? This conversation was started by me anyways, then why did I feel so bad?

"You don't... you don't trust me." It was not the answer I was expecting, I looked in her direction, expecting to see her ready to slap me, but all I saw where those beautiful eyes brimming with tears, tears I had caused. "You don't trust me."

No... One little word, and I couldn't bring myself to say it. No. That's not it. My mind was telling me to say it, but my voice would not come out of my throat. Maybe I didn't trust her, because I was scared... what if she did to me like I had done to so many before her. I couldn't bear it, not from her, not from my Jin. "N..." That's all that came out before the loud slamming of my front door rang in the big empty house, I didn't have to look up before I knew she was gone, the shiny heart shaped locket I had given her for our Second month anniversary sat by my foot, mocking me.

"I don't trust anyone." As I stood there, I couldn't help but wonder if this was what happened to all the guys who got their heart broken. I couldn't even bring myself to cry. Was I being heartless? Was it natural? I didn't know. All I knew was that my heart was ripping into shreds, and I could heart it echoing in my ears, the image of her on the brink of crying replayed over and over in my head, and I couldn't stop it, I didn't want to. I bent down, taking the chain from her locket in my hand, and then it happened. I clutched my hair in either of my hands, letting out a shrilling cry, knowing no one could hear me sobbing in the middle of the front entrance.

"Jinsa... Jinsa!" I yelled her name as loud as I could, letting the emptiness of the house comfort me. It felt good and bad, crying for the one I loved. It had been a full year since we had been going out. Since then I had accused her of cheating on me, this was the second time. I had blown her off to hang out with my friends, thinking she wouldn't mind on more occasions then I can count on both hands and feet. And I had broken up with her previously, but she took me back without hesitation when I realized how much I truly needed her. I wondered if anyone else was going through what I was, and how she was taking it. Was it really this bad? I mean, I could get another girl in a heartbeat, sleep with any girl if I wanted to and she wouldn't even make a fuss.

Inside my head, I scolded myself for even thinking of seeing another girl, Jin was all I needed, all I lived for at this point in my worthless life. All these years of me breaking girls hearts, I had finally broken my own, with no help at all.... I knew that I was the one to bring this upon myself, and I did not deserve to be happy with someone I finally fell head over heels for who was and is seemingly perfect in my eyes. That I knew for sure.