Picking Up The Pieces

Hey there. I'm The.Dreamwalker and you'll be my 80th review today! Most people just call me dreamwalker or DW but you can call me whatever yah like ^_^.

Okay so with my reviews I first go into my critique which is a basic nit-picking section. Then I got into grammar and punctuation, character development, setting and description, plot, and then my overall.

Okay so lets get this show on the road ^^

Critique

Like do they have these awful bright fluorescent lights?

I'm sure there should be a why in between like and do.

Was the hospital trying to prep their patience for what might be coming?

Patience should be Patients. They do sound alike but they aren't the same.

They stick you is a room that puts you in the mind of the afterlife and then abandon you

This sentence comes right after the line about white and bright reminding you about death so it sort of makes the whole 'room reminds you of death' to be a little redundant. Shorten this line up by cutting out the doom and gloom.

I wanted nothing more than to just leave this place with my parents in hand, but judging by what I’ve been told already that might not be possible either.

There should be a comma in between 'already' and 'that'.

My parents had been in a car accident. Not one of those car accidents where you’re backing out of a space at the mall and make a mistake and tape another parked car.

This sentence is a little screwed up. A good way to fix it would to change up the wording like this:

"Not one of those car accidents when you're backing out of a parking space and you accidently tap another parked car."

No need to go into specifics on where the car is. It doesnt matter if it's at the grocery store or the mall, as long as it's at a place where there are parking spaces and 'tape' should be 'tap'.

My hands started to shake and my breath began coming out in quick loud huffs.

There should be a comma between 'quick' and 'loud'.

A doctor, I realized at once. I spun around and rushed toward him. He walked slowly meeting me halfway. He was flanked by another doctor clutching a chart to her chest. I searched their faces trying to gage whether the update would be good or bad.

This has a lot of 'This happened. This happened. This happened.' Try adding some connecting words and maybe make this less of a bunch of sentences. Dont have so many stops.

Five of her ribs were bones and three pierced her lungs.

I would like to hope five of her ribs were bones! Just kidding, I'm sure the 'bones' should actually be 'broken'.

Her body is almost completely bruised and she has plenty of broken bones.

Normally the doctor will go for the serious stuff first before things like bruising. If there's trauma in the lungs and such things, they will cover that first.

My body entire body begun to tremor so bad it was almost convulsing.

The first 'body' in this sentence isn't necessary.

Both doctors rushed forward to catch me as my body began to crumble.

The word 'body' is used in the sentence prior and sounds very repetitive to use it again.

My body was reacting on it own.

And body again... too many times has this word been used.

Grammar and Punctuation

Your punctuation was relatively flawless other then a few missing comma's but what I have a little worry about is the fact that your sentences can be fairly choppy. Try connecting your sentences instead of having so many small ones. Also you seemed to have a little bit of a redundancy problem and some of the words were used incorrectly in the sentences like 'patience' when it should have been 'patients'. Just something to keep in mind about your work.

Character Development

From what I saw with your character, she/he isnt very mello. This person seems very feminine from what I understand and that the character is very worried. The emotions that are put across are very realistic which I like and the franticness was and added bonus in my books. Interestingly put across but I would have put more details in on our main character like what gender he/she is or maybe their hair colour and such. Give us an image of what we are supposed to be thinking of.

Setting and description

This area was interesting for I found both to be very well calculated. I pictured the setting and everything well though I was hoping for more description about the doctor and the characters and such. Just something to work on. Give us something to imagine when it comes to the people too.

Plot

I absolutely adore the fact that you jump into a plot so quickly. A lot of stories have not plot for the longest time but there is something that really makes me what to read more about this. That is definitly something you're good at when it comes to writing. I give you a huge thumbs up for that!

Overall

I really liked this piece. It was interesting and kept me thinking. It didn't bore me for a second and I cant wait for more. Just fix up your short sentences and your tendancy to be redundant and we should be just fine .

Pm me if theres more cause I would love to review more .

From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker

Hiya there, I will be your reviewer for today . I will firstly go through your whole piece and make any [comments/suggestions] or any edits/addings-in. I will then go through the whole review with you at the end. I think that's it, so for now, on with the review!! I really hope this helps you out (:

GreatEscape wrote:It was almost impossible to sit still. Every time I sat down it only took a few seconds for my legs to start shaking. [Brilliant opener - great job (: ] A few more seconds for me to start biting my nails, [s]and then [/s]before I [s]knew it I was[/s] started pacing again. I tried to think of other things, like the hospital itself opposed to why I was at the hospital in this God forsaken waiting room. Like do they have these awful bright fluorescent lights? [Try and answer your question - with your MC surveying the hospital for those fluorescent lights, or something ot that effect - otherwise this sounds slightly out of place, and needs nixing]

[New paragraph here >>]Everything in the hospital is white: the floors, the ceilings, the walls, and the doors. Doesn’t bright and white make people think of being dead? Was the hospital trying to [u]prep their patience [do you mean patients?] for what might be coming?[/u] [Again with the questions, try not to use them so excessively, and maybe have your MC retort back to herself that she's being ridiculous or something... just something more needs to be added in here (: ] I glared around the room, stopping my constant pacing. They stick you is a room that puts you in the mind of the afterlife and then abandon you. [s]Weren’t their[/s] Wasn't there supposed to be nurses and doctors all around keeping me updated? Where the hell are they? [you're starting to over-do the whole asking yourself questions, and it's standing out a little] Hospitals are cruel places. I wanted nothing more than to just leave this place with my parents in hand, but judging by what I’ve been told already that might not be possible either. [This is a nice introduction to fill the reader in on your MC - keep this up!! (: ]
My parents had been in a car accident. Not one of those car accidents where you’re backing out of a space at the mall and make a mistake and tape another parked car. No, my parents had been in a real one,[replace with semi-colon] some drunken asshole tried to get on the freeway going in the wrong direction and smashed into my parents head on as they tried to get off, kind of accident [this bit doesn't quite make sense - have you missed out a word? Try and rephrase this or nix it]. The thought of it [define 'it' - what would be the MC's summary/title she would give to the accident - it will let us see more into her character (: ] blurred my vision with tears again. I put my face in my hands and permitted only one choked sob to be emitted. I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to stay strong. No, I had [maybe this could be in italics?] to stay strong. I started pacing again and absently reached for the packet of cigarettes in my back pocket. I’d had it tucked perfectly between my lips when a voice stopped me.
“[s]There’s [/s]No smoking allowed in here, honey,” said an elderly nurse [brief description: facial expression clothing - how could your MC tell that she was elderly? Was her hair peppered with grey, or did numerous lines crease her face as she frowned disapprovingly at your MC...?].
She walked away smiling before I could even respond. I scoffed and shoved the cigarette back into my pocket. Of course there’s always someone around when you’re trying to do something illegally comforting. I crossed my arms and glanced at the clock. Had I really only been here three hours? It felt like I’d been here for days. The time made me even more anxious. My hands started to shake and my breath began coming out in quick loud huffs. I began to pace faster. Where the hell were the doctors! [Replace with question mark]
“Ms. English?” a deep voice came from behind me.
A doctor [thoughts in italics?], I realized at once. I spun around and rushed toward him. He walked slowly meeting me halfway. He was flanked by another doctor clutching a chart to her chest. I searched their faces trying to gage whether the update would be good or bad. Their faces, however, were completely blank. I braced myself for anything. I stood completely still in front of them. I was no longer pacing. My legs [s]was[/s] were not shaking. Both my shaking and breathing had stopped. I was completely still. [There are too many short sentences flowing one another here, resulting in a slightly choppy sound, as they don't really flow into each other. I see the effect you're trying to create, but try and join a couple of the sentences together and have only a couple of short ones - or even just one would work - what do you think?]
[The speech starts quite abruptly - have a little something before to lead us into the speech - define which doctor is speaking (that would be an opportune moment to add in a character description, too), his mouth opening, his facial expression changing... You choose!! (: ]“Your mother suffered serious injuries. As we told you before she was thrown from the car. [This doesn't make sense - how was she thrown from the car when she was in it? Add in something here or above where you describe the accident, because otherwise it's slightly confusing at the moment] Her body is almost completely bruised and she has plenty of broken bones. Five of her ribs were bones and three pierced her lungs. [Try and rephrase this as especially the start of the sentence doesn't make sense] We have her on a ventilator as of now. When she hit the ground [was she a pedestrian then, not in another car? In your description above, you give the impression that her and the dad are in another car... I would try and sort that out (: ] her skull cracked. She is in a coma right now and her heart beat is very slow. I don’t want to [s]let[/s] say that she won’t be all_right but I don’t want to tell that she will either. It’s very touch and go at the moment,” the doctor [s]said[/s] finished [what his facial expression, body language...?].
I didn’t react. I just waited. I didn’t want to halt getting the full story. I had to hear about my dad. I just stared at him waiting for him to continue. My direct eye contact seemed to fluster him in some way. He averted his eyes for a fraction of a second and shifted his weight uncomfortably. What did that mean? Was the news of my father worse? How could it be? [The use of rhetorical questions totally works here, but you need to make sure it does work in context, and not used too much as with the above ones]He took a deep breath before continuing.
“Your father was not thrown from the car [I don't understand how they can be thrown from a car when they're in it - was the mum not wearing a seatbelt and went through the windscreen, as that's the only way I can think of her being thrown from the car]and the airbags did deploy, but the angle in which the steering wheel was at and the force of the crash snapped his neck. Your father was killed instantly,” he said. “I’m very sorry.”
He had spoken very clear and plain English. It however did not register that way in my head. My brows furrowed as my mind struggled to make sense of what he had just said.

“Your father was killed instantly.”

The breath that I had been holding gusted out of me. My body entire body begun to tremor so bad it was almost convulsing. My knees had turned to jelly and I could no longer hold myself up. Both doctors rushed forward to catch me as my body began to crumble. My body was reacting on it own. I had no control over it. I gasped in a considerable amount of air before letting it back out in bloodcurdling scream. [I love the description here and the way it's been written - great stuff!! =D ]

Last Minute Views
The Car Crash
At the moment, the sequence of events for the car crash is a bit unbelievable and also muddled. You need to work on a story for what happened when the two cars collided and stick to it, so it makes sense throughout. There are just a few small details that need to be brushed up on, and at the moment the only unbelievable bit is that the mother was thrown from the car - how exactly did this happen, and it needs to be added in on how it happened too.

Character Description
Your character descriptions were very vague - I would have liked to have more (it doesn't need to be loads, just a little bit of description works) description on the two doctors, and also their tone of voice, facial expressions throughout telling your MC what happened to her parents. At the moment they seem very cold and distant, which doesn't seem right, as surely their tone would soften noticeably once they get to telling her that her dad has died. Go over the conversation in your head - close your eyes and act it out like a film, and that should help you create a slightly more believable scene, as at the moment I think the reactions of the doctors are all wrong. But that is my opinion, which you can take on or not - it is up to you as this is your piece of work, and I'm only here to voice my opinions and thoughts to help you improve.

Rhetorical Questions
You need to watch out how many rhetorical questions you use, as at the start I think they were a bit overused and that some needed to be voiced with an answer from your MC. Read back over this and see what you think (:

Proofreading Your Work...
Can be an amazing thing as you spot weirdly structured or worded sentences that need a little work on or is missing a word or two... Try and proofread your work a couple of times before posting on here, as you had a few of those mistakes. Also, reading aloud helps to give yourself another perspective when reading your work. =D

Your Beginning and Endings...
... were totally amazing!! You both drew me in at the start with your own style of starting the chapter (that hasn't been overused, or cliched, I might add) and without using 'I'. Hallelujah!! I will love you forever for that . Also, I loved your ending as it ended in just the right place, making sure I wasn't unsatisfied and wanted to read more too. Brilliant!! =D

Your MC
I loved how much your MC was developed in this chapter - I got an insight into her thoughts and emotions and even her character, which was great! No need for improvement here, just make sure you keep it up .

Pace of the Chapter
The pace was even and not at all rushed, which was great! You gave away enough details, and none of your chapter was too vague (except the doctors' descriptions ) or too detailed - great job!! (:

Overall Thoughts
This is an interesting start to something that is posted into the Romantic Fiction category, and I have to say that I'm intrigued to how it would turn into a romance. The emotions, thoughts and actions displayed by your MC was extremely believable and you created a believable, 3D character in the first chapter, which is great!! I would love to see more work from you, and also let me know when you've edited it, so I can follow it up for you - you've got to remember my help and reviews are an ever-extending thing hehe . Anyway, I hope this review helps you out and that I wasn't too harsh in any way, and great job on this!! Please PM me if you have any questions or for anything at all, as I'm always more than happy to help out (:

I hope you're having a great day and...

Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx