Young Writers Society

I love this poem because it is so relateable. Or atleast it is to me. Poems dealing with emotions are usually the strongest in my opinion, this one does a great job of showing it.

So filled I can hardly breathe.
Trying so hard but I'm never relieved.
I'm trapped in this state.
There's no one to talk to; they can't relate.

I'm left to deal with this on my own.
They can't see it on my face.
No one can hear it in my tone.
I shouldn't mind though. I've always been alone.

I can feel it pulsing through me.
Running in my veins, taking over my brain.
Being riddled with this pain
It's not easy to sustain.

It's starting to take root inside.
I keep running but finding no where to hide.
Under its power I am condemned.
Sure that my mind will never mend.

I'm trapped in its clutch.
It's barred from my touch.
This smiling face is just a ruse.
It's fighting so hard...
I'm going to lose.

Thank you all for your reviews!

Stoney: I think I do like it better with five lines in each stanza. I wrote the poem because I feel completely overwhelmed by everything that's happening around me and to me. I don't know how to deal with the way I feel and it's all just building up. It's sort of changing who I am and either nobody cares or they're trying to downplay it. The poem is basically about me feeling helpless to the way I feel and alone because nobody is understanding. I hope that answers your question.

Hi,
I'm going to throw out my opinion, and you can do what you will with them. I hope they come across as constructively as they are intended, if not, I apologise in advance.

First thing that brought my attention to this was the bold italics. These are good as it brings attention, but can be hard on the eyes a lot of the time, so can I suggest only use either when necessary?

The second thing that pulled me up was the structure. In all the stanzas except for the last, you have four lines, and the final one has five. Reading through your poem, I think keeping each stanza at five lines would be really helpful with its flow. Let me show you. I've dropped the bold and italics where I've adjusted.

GreatEscape wrote:So filled I can hardly breathe.
Trying so hard but I'm never relieved.
I'm trapped in this state.
There's no one to talk to;
They [s]can't[/s] cannot relate.

I'm left to deal with this on my own.
They can't see it on my face.
No one can hear it in my tone.
I shouldn't mind though.
I've always been alone.

I can feel it pulsing through me.
Running in my veins,
Taking over my brain.
Being riddled with this pain
It's not easy to sustain.

It's starting to take root inside.
I keep running
But find[s]ing[/s] no where to hide.
Under its power I am condemned.
Sure that my mind will never mend.

I'm trapped in its clutch.
It's barred from my touch.
This smiling face is just a ruse.
It's fighting so hard...
I'm going to lose.

hey,

Well i liked it, the rhyme i thought was clever and I imagine very hard to do. The pace I loved, i could feel it becoming more and more tense which made it atmospheric. I liked its ordngarnity I think I will remember this poem

Good stuff I'll be watching you!! hehe

see you around Brown Eyed Girl xx

GreatEscape wrote:So filled I can hardly breathe.
Trying so hard but I'm never relieved.
I'm trapped in this state.
There's no one to talk to; they can't relate.

I'm left to deal with this on my own.
They can't see it on my face.
No one can hear it in my tone.
I shouldn't mind though. I've always been alone.

I can feel it pulsing through me.
Running in my veins, taking over my brain.
Being riddled with this pain
It's not easy to sustain.

It's starting to take root inside.
I keep running but finding no where to hide.
Under its power I am condemned.
Sure that my mind will never mend.

I'm trapped in its clutch.
It's barred from my touch.
This smiling face is just a ruse.
It's fighting so hard...
I'm going to lose.