Published June 23, 2009
He strode down the street, one hand in his pocket the other holding his cigarette. Out of boredom he walked down the street, nowhere in particular in mind. Half way down the block the delicious aroma of coffee filled his nose. It was coming from an intimate little cafe he'd never known about until that moment. He walked inside knowing that his last few dollars could be put to better use but he was going to buy the coffee anyway. It had been very hot outside but it was cool in the cafe. There was a sign just past the door that read, "Please seat yourself". The cafe was crowded and places to sit were very limited. He started to move automatically toward the side of the cafe where he saw other people smoking. He scanned the section looking for an empty table but found her instead.
She was tiny, so tiny in fact that her feet just barely touched the ground. She appeared to be a child, but the cigarette dangling from her lips made him think otherwise. He stared at the cigarette for a long time before moving on to her face. Her lips were pouty and red as if she were wearing lipstick, but he was sure she wasn’t. She had a small upturned button nose, impossibly high slanted cheek bones, and huge ice blue feline eyes. She looked like an evil elf. Her face was both completely bizarre and stunning. If he had the option, he would choose to never look away from her.
Before he had made a conscious decision to do so, he was walking over to the table where she sat alone staring out the window. He stopped just inches from her and just stood over her in silence. Her body went still and he was sure he was making her uncomfortable but he was powerless to do anything about it. His mind had gone blank and his body was controlling itself. He could not will himself to move away from her. She slowly looked up at him with annoyed bewilderment in her eyes. She plucked the cigarette from her lips and sighed.
“May I ask why the hell you’re invading my personal space?” she asked him scathingly.
Unthinkingly he said, “I wanted to get a better look at you,”
The bewilderment never left her eyes but the annoyance was replaced with amusement. She tossed her wispy flaxen blonde hair over her shoulder and rested her chin her in the palm over her hand.
“Because you find my face weird?” she asked.
“No, not at all. Or at least I don't find it that way.”
“Well that’s one I’ve never been. Why don’t you sit down and you can ogle at me without being creepily close.”
He took the seat across from her and she flagged down a waitress who came to the table right away. “Can you bring my stalker here a cup of coffee,” the girl said. The waitress giggled and nodded her head. After she brought the coffee back the girl across from him extended her little hand to him.
“I’m Mikey,” she introduced herself.
“Nice to meet you, I’m Shawn,” he replied shaking her hand. “How old are you?” His curiosity at her age had only heightened when he heard her voice. He expected something high pitched but it wasn’t. While her voice was very feminine it had a raspy edge it.
“I’ve just turned twenty today,” she said proudly, a smug grin spreading across her face.
“It’s your birthday and you're spending it alone in a coffee shop?” he asked.
“I was spending it alone. Now I’m spending it with you, which is a huge honor, so I expect you to be grateful,” she replied daring him to object.
Shawn laughed. He could feel himself beginning to fall in love with this girl he’d known less than five minutes. He was oddly okay with feeling so strongly for a stranger. He looked over his shoulder out the window and saw that the rain had stopped. He stood up and tossed his last five dollar bill on the table before grabbing Mikey’s hand and pulling her up too.
“We’re not spending you’re birthday in this cafe. I just spent the last of my money on that coffee but we’re going to find something fun and free to do,” Shawn said towing her out the door. She giggled and skipped along behind him.
“I can already tell this is going to be the best birthday ever!”
This is a story I've just started but I'm really excited about it so please give any and all feedback!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,631 Literary Works • 673,569 Reviews
First off, I would LOVE to say that I think that was incredibly good! Really good, I loved it! If you write more I'll definitely be in line to read it.
I did notice one thing though.
It seems a little redundant to me, but it might be the way its worded that throws me off.
I also really like the sassy edge you give Mickey.
It makes her seem very out there and independent and I really like that.
My favorite line in the entire story!
Keep up the awesome work! - Irish
So i can already tell from the previous comments that you've edited you story a lot. I have to say from what I read of the previous quotes that the critisism was useful. Its starting off as a very interesting story. Just a question, cause it was bothering me, How tall is she compared to him? I mean where does the top of her head reach on his body? I know you referenced her height with her feet not touching the floor but as I was trying to visualize him tugging her out of the cafe and the skipping after him I wondered what the comparison was. Another nit-pick: somewhere in the story you said
Perhaps you meant "rested her chin in the palm of her hand"? If not its fine, just a nit-pick. But I encourage you to keep writing. It really does seem off to a good start. And I like your style to. Very...something. I just can't place it. Real, I guess. Anyway, keep at it!
Wow. That is a very good story, or part of a story. I am writing a romantic story too.=]
i like the way you described mikey. I received a very clear picture of her. I wish you would have described the man falling in love with her more though. It was a little hard to picture. Also, there should have been more of a story before just strolling into a cafe and instantly falling in love. I wanted to know more about the personality of the main character, Shawn. otherwise i enjoyed the story. -alwaysbeininspired95
Hey again!
I found a couple little issues in the revisions.
This seems oddly phrased. Maybe you could say, "Out of boredom he walked down the street, nowhere in particular in mind. "
Half way down the block
He hadn't known about until that moment?
Wrong tense. He hasn't spent the money yet, so it's "could be put to".
Pretty is a really vague descriptive word in the first place...so having two of them right in a row doesn't work so well.
Switch "automatically" and " He started to move" of the cafe where he saw other people smoking. He scanned the section looking for an empty table but found her instead.
Alot of the sentences in this paragraph start with "He" and loses the readers interest. I think you could switch it around a little so some of them start with something else.
Overall, much better! It's definitely much clearer! Keep working!
-Maggie
Okay I changed the first paragraph and the beginning of the second quite a bit. Please reread and let me know what you think!
Hi, I'm Ellie, and I'll be your reviewer for today
Bad Sentece. Try : He didn't like the cafe. The only reason he went inside was because smoking was allowed.
Another bad sentence. Try : Rain poured down in heavy wet drops, and didn't want to ruin his last cigarette.
.
Uh...What? You just said two sentences ago that the only reason he went in the cafe was because your MC could not find another place where he could smoke.
I don't know if this applies to cafes too, but where I live, there is no smoking. But I've visited other places and in restraunts they usally ask you if you want smoking or non. Because believe me, I'd hate to be in a place with a bunch of cigarettes.
Okay, You might want to be a little more specfic, because I'm starting to get the wrong Idea. I'm imagining your main character in his twenties, but I'm getting a picture of a five year old girl. And this is under romance....Hey, sorry, my dad's kicking me off right now. I'll finish your review tommorow
GreatEscape: Maybe you could describe his reasons as impulsive. For example in the beginning sentence, when he decides to go into the cafe, maybe you could say that it was a spur of the moment decision. I think if throw in some time where Shawn is in the cafe poking around a bit before speaking to Mikey you might give yourself some more time to develop the characters and help with your pacing (like the others have mentioned).
One thing though,
It is redundant to say completely twice, but it would sound very odd to say that her face was completely bizarre and stunning. So I might put a "both" before the first "completely" and then take the second one out.
Hope that sort of helps,
Maggie
There should be a comma after "Inside."
The word underlined is not needed and redundant.
Since the main character is asking a question, there must be a question mark.
There should be a comma after "You" and another after "Honor."
I think this is a rather cliche' line for an adult to say, sounds kind of childish.
Overall: This story was rather short, though well written. There are a lot of places where the sentences would flow much better if you added commas. I would like to also know what attracts Shawn to Mikey in the first place, and how he feels about her personality that he is know getting to know.
NITPICKS:
I'm not liking the dialogue, to be honest. It doesn't feel real to me, or sound like something a person would really say. Try something that I do once in a while: When I'm having a problem with dialogue, I red it out loud, and imagine if that was something I might say. If it doesn't work, it can only help, right?
One more thing with this: Why would he find her face weird? You didn't describe anything about her - besides her size - that would make her odd at all. Oh, and why isn't he sure? Wouldn't he know if he found her face weird?
Missing a you, here.
This is my biggest problem with your piece. You have a few nice descriptions in here, and I like the setting you've given us, but the pace is flawed. The story is moving too fast. Give yourself some setup. Describe the weather, more about the cafe. They've barely said a couple sentences to each other - how is it even remotely possible that he could FALL IN LOVE with her so soon? I could understand liking her, being interested, but love? That's not real love. More like infatuation, or lust.
Your, not you're. And I've noticed thorughout this that your punctuation could use some work. Again, read your work out loud. Wouldn't you need to stop for breath once in a while? A comma after said would be good.
OVERALL:
Well, it was short. But what I got from it was this: Your pace needs the most work. It's like you're so eager to get the story out that you're not giving the reader a chance to stop and really enjoy what's going on. Slow down. Give us more.
And that's all I have for now. Keep writing.
Okay I did some editing. Some things I left the same though. Thanks for all you're reviews they were really helpful.
Nixon: I know it's a bit unrealistic but I felt like in a way it had to be. As to where this going (and I hope I'm not giving too much away) the story is about an unhealthy relationship and the difference between love and passion.
Vivela: I wanted Shawn's character to come off as a irrational and impulsive. Do you have any suggestions as to what to change to make that more apparent?
Cynara: Sure I'll PM you!
Thanks again and reviews are still welcome!
Okay a few things I noticed when I was reding:
It should be: His eyes swept over half the café looking for a table to sit at before his eyes fell on her.
You have to put a comma before but.
You forgot the word was.
... Anyway loved it!
Hello!
I'm going to review as I read, so forgive me if I make any assumptions that you correct later on in the piece.
Hmm...maybe, "Where smoking was permitted/allowed." ?
You use the words "inside" and "outside" alot. Could you switch it up somehow?
His eyes
The use of "her" is repetitive here. Maybe for the first her you could describe her location. Something like, "...his eyes fell on a blonde haired girl at the counter."
*Is pleased* I liked that you make her attractive because of something negative. Makes the characters more real.
Seems slightly unrealistic...
Something about this is off...I think I would keep what the girl says and the narration up to "scathingly" the same and then change after it to say, "Unthinkingly he said, "I wanted to..."
Sounds awkward. I would change it.
*Grins* I like her.
This seems a little strange. Unless this guy is astonishingly forward I think he might be more abashed about coming up to her in the first place, never mind out right complimenting her. I think some sort of tension or awkwardness might be called for.
She also seems a little too nonchalant.
"As a matter of factly" sounds odd to me... but that might just be me.
Hmm...so this is interesting. I really like Mikey. She's weird, which is my favorite, but I'd be careful to not give your characters too many quirks otherwise they seem fake. At the moment you're definitely on the right side of the line though.I'm intrigued to see where it'll go next. One issue I have is that Shawn seems way too forward. If he is naturally like very open maybe you could some how show the reader that before he meets Mikey. Other than that, it's pretty darn good. I hope you'll be writing more...? Right?
-Maggie
Hi, GreatEscape.
Too much! You can change the first "inside" to "into" and you don't even need the "outside" in the second sentence.How does he know?
Wordy. You could replace all that with "near her".
I don't think this is a normal phrase. You could say, "She maintained the bewilderment in her eyes," but I think that would sound odd. "The bewilderment didn't leave her eyes," or something like that would seem more natural to me.
What does the first sentence here mean?
Use a question mark.
The wording of the bold section is awkward. "He was oddly calm with feeling so strongly for a stranger," would sound better, I think. Also, these bits are kind of cliche.
Should be "your".
I liked reading it, but it felt kind of like a guilty pleasure. It was really unbelievable. Where is this going to go if they fall in love in one page?
Sorry, that turned out really harsh. Your writing is good, as is your storytelling. I am left wanting more.
-Rachel