z

Young Writers Society


12+

Letters of The

by GrayButterfly


To: You

It’s alive in You.

Snarling teeth. Encapsulated dreams, buried so far deep, that no fallen angels dare to track it. It whispers unnerving promises that rip the railroads up from the ground, so that your train may never find dock. Boring eyes. So deep and challenging only the eyes of your king could face it. Invisible. They don’t get you. No one will ever understand you, it whispers. Black fog trails out of its mouth and enters your ears until you are screaming. It won’t cease. You think, but only for days at a time. It could be worse-- No! No! Not what it wants you to think. This is your worst, and it will always grow stronger and stronger. Clamping jaws, like that of razored iron. Hunters set traps for their kills. Traps set for you, but why? Because! Because, because… You deserve it! But you don’t! Oh, the confusion. Oh, the doubt. Oh, the frustration. Oh, why does this have to be you?

Your foe. Fighting fire with fire to win the war of water. Battles that no one else seems to see. Invisible. At night, in the darkness. Twisting and turning never ceasing. Heavy dreams and blizzardous thoughts. Some things don’t make sense. This, this doesn’t make sense. Something is wrong. Something is very very wrong. This, something. This is the cause of your eyes. So much tension in your disaster struck eyes. It doesn’t have to be this way. Just trust in your king! He saves the kingdom always, always, always! So why, answer me! Why do you do this? Why do you let this chase you? It makes me frustrated! But that’s it. Two birds with one stone… Well, I apologize. Let me refrain.

I am truly sorry. I wrote this, and yet I have no solution. How does one defeat the… the. What is it’s name? The snarling teeth, the encapsulated dreams, the boring eyes, the whispers, the evasive invisible. The lies of death, the tomb of hopes, the stark glare, the lies, the invisible. The.

From: Me

To: Man and You

It’s alive in Man. 

When will he see? He is blinded! Blinded by the same dust that created him. I perceive Man thinks You are a tool. Blinded by his own self-doubt. Blinded by his own fear. Blinded by his own worth. Blinded by The. You see Man and think, I perceive, What a tool. But I love him. What a tool. When will Man open his eyes to his hypocrisies? When will he realize he and You are the same? They are founded on the same principal. One being the energy stripped from them by The. How tiring it is. My condolences. When Man gives in to the bloody claws of The, it reminds me, Well at least The is being fed. Listen, I understand that he is fed up with You. Fed up with all The things You let loose. All The things that entangle him in darkness.

But truly, underneath You, is The. Man is fed up with The, but doesn’t know what to call it. He blames You, but neither really know. It’s The tricks. Manipulation. Controlling Him and You like puppets. Open all blinded eyes.

Like a weed, The comes. Choking all life around it. You and Him are The vessel. Simple, raw planks of wood. The passengers steer You and Man. Stop feeding The. Stop giving in to The claws. The doesn’t control Man or You. Release from the claws, the iron jaw. That is from standing against it. Not fighting with fire. You fight by standing against The. Fighting it’s temptation to roar back. You and him. Together, only together, may The crooked claws melt. You must know how The works. You and Man have spent enough time with The already, haven’t you? Like You and Man told me when I was young, it’s time for a break. I would beg for friends to stay, but sometimes I need time away. However; The is not your friend. So stop inviting it over. Let go. Don’t fight The anymore. Don’t feed The anymore. Let go.

Just. Let. Go.

To: Me

They hate you! They hate you for what you believe in! It’s not that easy.

From: The

To: You and Him

Don’t listen. Don’t write back. Don’t even look. Throw those garbage letters away. Hollow lies mean nothing.

From: _____

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User avatar
45 Reviews

Points: 1335
Reviews: 45

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Tue Jun 19, 2018 3:45 pm
Lives4Christ24 wrote a review...



Salutations @GrayButterfly,
I have decided to write my review in the form of a letter in spirit of your poem. I can't believe your work is still in the green room, I really like it. I love your use of metaphors and how your work's flow is very good. I noticed that this work is categorized as other, and I think that you could write a short story of even a book using letters. Beverly Cleary wrote two books that were just this kid's letters to a famous person who I don't believe ever write back. I don't remember what it was called, but you should be able to find it if you look it up. I really like your work, keep writing.
Sincerely,
@Lives4Christ24






@Lives4Christ24 thank you :) I'll see if I can find it <3





Okay, it's called Dear Mr.Hwnshaw





Thanks, I will definitely give it a read





Henshw, not Hwnshaw, sorry



User avatar
35 Reviews

Points: 2972
Reviews: 35

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Sat Jun 09, 2018 2:35 pm
LanaOverland wrote a review...



Hey-o,

I'm confused but I think that's a good thing. So this is a story about depression I think or some sort of mental illness. It looks like you're going for pose poetry for this story. Stylistically I have a few things to mention, none of these are bad things about your piece: It's very hard to follow mostly because you're honing in on that poetic style and not really making a narrative (I thought this was a strong point of your piece because it helped along that sense of drowning and overwhelming that your creature/being/entity applied to the author). I would say double down on this and focus more on what the sensations you're creating are.

"It whispers unnerving promises that rip the railroads up from the ground, so that your train may never find dock." In this quote you're already showing the start of this using the aliteration of "ripping railroads" and in this next quote: "Battles that no one else seems to see. Invisible. At night, in the darkness. Twisting and turning never ceasing. Heavy dreams and blizzardous thoughts" The repeated sounds and partial rhymes with slipperly s sounds and those breaks of harsh T's that cut the sounds up.

Focus in on making this pit of sounds and really making sure every word both adds something narratively and describes your creature but if you can also adds to this inescapable drowning tone.

Narratively it's hard to follow, I think Him is this person that the narrator has found whose helping them with their self doubt but the whole "from me to him" section felt too long. You may consider changing the tone of that section and trying different sounds to make that section feel lighter (if I understood it right) I get that your character also has doubts surrounding Him but juxtaposing a happy toned section with a short anxiety driven section will only strengthen both ideas.

Summary: Create feelings through words that compliment your tone.

Overall it's a pretty strong piece, but you can definitely improve upon it.






Thanks! :)




I exist as I am, that is enough
— Walt Whitman