Young Writers Society

Hi there.

So, this was sweet, but like dregy said, it didn't exactly muster any emotion, or at least the emotion that it could have should you have gone into more detail. Right now, it kind of just feels like, "oh, right, I love you." We've seen this is many places, which is okay because loving someone is real human emotion that a lot of people feel, but you kind of need to go into more if we're going to form a connection with you and the situation you're in.

What makes you love him, besides his smile? Is he funny? Is it the way that he talks to you and others? How do you react whenever he's around? Take a look at this song, by Taylor Swift. In it, she describes meeting someone and falling in love with them, but she doesn't just say that she loves him. She describes how she met him and why/how they interact, and how it made her feel. Love is so much more complex then just love -- it affects you and everyone around you, so I would go into a little more detail regarding that. Maybe describe a few specific situations that you had with him.

I don't really have much more to say, seeing as how dregy pretty much nailed it. As long as you focus on the whole spectrum of feelings that love induces, you can really make this into something good. Also, try to focus on your grammar a little bit more. Although these cold lyrics are not what anyone is going to say--they're going to hear it--you still want to focus on the grammar (ie, captalizing your Is) and it will make you seem like you put a lot more time and care into it and those who are reading this will appreciate it more.

I hope that this helps you! Feel free to drop me a note if you have any questions. Good luck with your revisions.

~ Elinor

I knew how this song lyric was going to turn out before I even read it. Predictability can work well with some writers, but in this case, it didn't work very well. This is very similiar to other "crush" lyrics on this site and the more I read these the more I fail to understand the female mind when it comes to "crushes" not "love". This song doesn't describe love it more clearly describes an infatuation which is completely different than love. You can't love someone that you do not even know. I've had a few crushes on several people but I would never "cry" or say that I'm in love with them. I can't understand how this boy makes you feel like you can do anything, when you don't even know him.

Anyway, I'm sorry for sounding so harsh, but this was too bland and cliche'. But don't feel too bad, majority of my song lyrics are bad as well.

I did notice something that seemed a bit out of place in this sentence.

"every time i see your face, you make me go out of the place with love"

"out of the place with love" perhaps you can reword that to make it sound better. It comes off sounding like a little kid.

You might could write "you make me fall out of place with love" because your infatuation with the boy is causing you not to think clearly but of the infatuation...hench the falling out of place bit.

Also, it's a good idea to separate the chorus from the stanzas or whatever. I'm not sure if you intended for it to be double spaced or not, but it would look better if it were single spaced .

YOu might be able to build on this or rework this in such a manner that it's not so overtly cliched and bland.

Don't ever give up though, I admire all who love to write