Published April 8, 2011
out of 6,775,235,741 people in this world,
one girl sees the real me.
so erin, ignore this ramble.
it only applies to the other 6,775,235,740.
how dare you all?
how dare you look at me, already deciding who i am?
you don't know where i've been, what i've seen, or what i've experienced.
you don't know how hard it is for me, day after day,
to go to a school where no one understands me.
to go to a church where i feel like a fake.
why don't you think twice before judging?
my blonde hair doesn't mean i'm stupid.
my height doesn't mean i'm clumsy or awkward.
my clearly teenage face doesn't mean i'm unclean... i'm just stressed.
you, you 6,775,235,740 that constantly judge...
i'm sure you have inner doubts and weaknesses too.
please stop judging my outside.
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,707 Reviews
Hi there. Lavvi in to review.
Okay, so you have these big numbers, here? Well, it really puts the reader off. I mean, they're just typed out randomly (at least it looks like it) and it's odd. It's not really a poem if the numbers don't mean a whole lot. Plus, usually, numbers are spelled out, not typed and this totally defeats that purpose because I don't expect you to do that. In short, the numbers look unprofessional.
Also, don't forget to check over your grammar and capitalize your "i to I".
Yours,
Lavvi
out of 6,775,235,741 people in this world,
one girl sees the real me.
so erin, ignore this ramble.
it only applies to the other 6,775,235,740.
how dare you all?
how dare you look at me, already deciding who i am?
once I got here, I instantly stopped caring. Excuse me for saying this, but content wise, this is self-centered juvenile nonsense. Stylistically, it was interesting until I got to "So Erin," But as you say this is a 'ramble.' Well you nailed it. But that's all it is.
you don't know where i've been, what i've seen, or what i've experienced.
you don't know how hard it is for me, day after day,
to go to a school where no one understands me.
to go to a church where i feel like a fake.
of course the reader doesn't know any of these things, so it's silly for you to point it out. If no one at school understands you, then tell us why you think that. Give us specific details, sensory information. Emotion doesn't exist in a vacuum.
why don't you think twice before judging?
my blonde hair doesn't mean i'm stupid.
my height doesn't mean i'm clumsy or awkward.
my clearly teenage face doesn't mean i'm unclean... i'm just stressed.
you, you 6,775,235,740 that constantly judge...
i'm sure you have inner doubts and weaknesses too.
please stop judging my outside.
again, you nailed the ramble. But if you wanna do poetry, then here is my advice.
1. Don't accuse the reader of doing you wrong.
the reader didn't do it, and the reader doesn't care. (also, if the reader DID do it, like you specifically wrote it to someone who you hate... I don't recommend that. Those poems are never any good, although sometimes they are funny)
2. Use sensory detail
that is, information that appeals to senses. That's how humans experience the world, through their senses. So poems should probably reflect that as well.
3. READ MORE POETRY
always, everyone.
best,
All I say is to cap your I's and that is all I have to correct. Other than that there is good descriptions and very deep emotion. Good luck and may you get many and helpful reviews!! Good luck and keep up the great work!!!! Happy Writing I plan to read more of your works soon!!!!
Soulkana<3
Gracie, I think this is beautiful. Thank you. <3
Hey Gracie! I love this poem! I like the topic, as I feel the some way sometimes, and I like how you write.
There are some errors, so anything I changed is in red.
Also, there are two parts you may want to revise.
The "what I've experienced" part is a bit long for this line. I think it would be fine if you just took it out all together.
Again here, you might want to consider taking out "I'm just stressed". I don't think you need it there to explain anything.
And about the numbers, I get the point your trying to make, but you may want to just say 6 Billion or something; the number is a little distracting.
Love the poem! Keep writing!
Sage
I think the part above "how dare you all" is an author's note. If so, you should separate it with "--------" or something.
I like this, though the 6....... the number you put is kinda bulky when I say it in my head--it definitely gets the image across, but I'm not sure it's the most effective way to do so, since it's a bit distracting.