I wanted a real father

by Gracie

  • Poetry
  • Narrative

Published April 20, 2011

Spoiler! :
this is something new for me. My biggest worry is with the flow. I think It gets clunky in parts. I'd love to know what you think of it.


You were not a bad man.
You did not hit me or leave me or steal.
You stayed at home and did your dues.
Like a good father would.

My mother says I inherited your stubbornness
That we both could never drop a fight.
Isn’t that odd?
The people you are most alike
Are the ones you hate the most.

I left home at sixteen.
With a note saying “I Hate You”
Written in lipstick
Pinned to the refrigerator door.

And I didn’t come back for many years

When I did my mother was gone and you were going
On the downhill side of sixty
With cancer all through your lungs

When you died I didn’t cry
For many years in fact
It was not that I didn’t love you
I loved you with everything I had and then some
It was just that I had too many regrets
I didn’t want to look at them.

I always had a father
I just didn’t see it at the time

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
fireheartedkaratepup
Review
fireheartedkaratepup wrote a review Review · Apr 20, 2011

I would change the line spacing:

You were not a bad man.
You did not hit me
or leave me
or steal.
You stayed at home
and did your dues
like a good father should.

What are his dues? You might want to use another word here, like job.
I left home at sixteen.
With a note saying “I Hate You”
Written in lipstick
Pinned to the refrigerator door.

I'd take out the first period and put it at the end of the line after this one. :P

Overall, this is good.

User avatar
SmylinG
Review
SmylinG wrote a review Review · Apr 20, 2011

Hey, Gracie (: Here to review for you.
Yeah, I could see what you were meaning when you said it seemed a bit clunky in places. But since this poem is so open and free flowing already, I really don't think it'd be a tough one to fix. Just try to focus on the lines, and the inter-meshing of your words, along with how long you're making each line.

I loved the way it was organized though. This I can say. ^-^ The way you started out in explaining the father, then onto similarities and some word for thought, onto the speaker leaving home, and then eventually coming back, but only to find then that her father had fallen ill. This was my favorite aspect of the whole poem.

Also, was this true to you, or was it fiction based? I wrote something almost similar, except it was almost a short story, and wasn't as merciful. And it was true. 0_o I respect the ideas being portrayed. I tend to be a sucker for things like this. I'm not sure why. I usually tend to become blind to any glaring flaws! xP I always more so focus on the content of what's being said. So forgive me if this is in the least bit helpful.

I just wanted to say, it was enjoyable to read. And if you re-edit I'll be sure to take another look to see what you did differently. :) This was really nice.



Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind