Whom You Belong

This is sort of difficult to read, but you've been criticized enough on your grammar so I'll comment on the story. The girl complains about not being able to find a boyfriend. Thats pretty much it. Maybe you could expand on that. Maybe you'll come back and read this one day. Maybe not. Maybe she found a boyfriend by now. Maybe not. Who knows. Its a decent enough passage.

Hey there, comrie here to review!

I will start and say that I think you should read up on something about punctuation. I think that's your main problem here. Not the story, I think the story's okay. But the lack of proper punctuation makes the story just a little hard to follow.

I'll point out things you should look over as concisely as I can:

I. Rose's thoughts would be better seen as thoughts if italicized.

II.

But sadly this didn't seem to help het at all.

Hey there! Here to review.

So, before I get into the real meat of the review, I'm going to tell you something about commas. AFTER A COMMA: put a space . A single space. Without the space, your work looks not as neat and not as polished. This also goes for periods as well.

In the beginning of this piece, you wrote in first person (when a character says "I" and "my") but then it switched to third person (when the author uses the character's name). This gets distracting and I suggest to pick one or the other.

I felt as if this whole piece was telling, and not showing. Show, don't tell. There was too much telling, "Rose was not sexy and hot," "Rose was a strong person on the inside," what in her actually proves this? Instead of just informing us, show us AND inform us.

The emotion, as well, felt a bit bland and false. She doesn't have a boyfriend. So, what? Not much about this piece actually made me feel SORRY for Rose. Try to include more emotion and feeling in this - make us have pity for this girl.

The ending was nice, it settled it smoothly and softly, however I think a bit more build-up to this to make this phrase stronger would be great.

Keep writing!

~EternalRain

Hey GraceWorrior14,
Myjaspercat here to review for you....

First I want to start by saying welcome to YWS, it's always a pleasure to see a new person around here. Now that that is out of the way on with the review...

Valentine's Day, the day that every young, old, use the word and instead of that last comma middle age lover gives flowers and chocolates and teddy bears and with other ways to show their love for one another. this first sentence was to long, it didn't flow well in some places and it was just overall a mouthful to read. All except for me , Rose Johnson, use a semicolon instead of a comma here I'm sixteen years old and sadly never had a boyfriend and let me just tell you It sucks! why with the overly exaggerated exclamation here. There is absolutely no reason to add that exclamation point, it just makes your writing look childish and bogs down the story. Also it's not uncommon for a sixteen year to not have a boyfriend, they're normally in their second year of high school and having a good decent relationship at that age is hard to come by.

Rose was outside in her backyard picking the flower peddles off some violet daisies playing He Love Me, He Loves Me Not. But sadly this didn't seem to help het at all. Rose threw away the flower and laid down on the soft, wet, grass letting her long brown hair rest on her left shoulder. Closing her bright blue eyes she wondered in deep in her thoughts "Why am I still single"? ok my problem here is that you change tenses. You go from Rose telling the story to narrating it. Really its first person limited to third person limited. When you write you want to stay consistent in your writing. If you are going to write in first person, then do that don't change.

Am I too shy? Am I too skinny? Is it the way I dress? The thoughts started to upset her. Rose just wants to someone she can trust, someone that loves her from what's within her. Someone that tells her she is beautiful instead stead of sexy or gorgeous instead of hot. Because sexy and hot don't describe who she is inside. Rose is a strong, kind hearted person, that knows how to value her friendships more then her egos. Rose isn't afraid to forgive the excusable in people no matter how bad they treat her. does your reader really need to know this. Like come on I could have gone without it. Think about what you are writing, and ask yourself is this worth writing/reading about. Rose reaches in her jeans pocket and takes out a small book. Searching through the pages Rose finds what she was looking for and silently reads to herself.