Published August 9, 2011
That word.
It puts a pit in my stomach, as if someone has dragged the carpet out from under me. Sends a frozen bullet into my brain, stopping all thought but for that word resounding in the stilled workings of my head.
“Man, you’re such a fag.”
Laughter follows; it means nothing to them. It’s just an insult to a friend who has said the wrong thing.
Just an insult. Just a word. But it’s that word.
And I’m too much of a coward to speak up.
“Don’t say that.” The voice belongs to a boy at the heart of the group.
“What?”
“You heard me,” The boy says. “It’s offensive.”
“You gay, man?”
“Doesn’t matter. Either way, I could still kick your ass. Don’t say it."
“Yeah, whatever.”
I breathe again. The wound is still there, but the bullet is gone, the carpet back in place.
I walk away.
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138,281 Literary Works • 672,096 Reviews
Wow, this is great. Its perfectly executed, plotted. The dialogue flows and seems realistic.
I think the only real gripe I have with this was the approach you took to the theme. It is too literal, it is almost the first thing that springs to mind when I think prejudice, and he literally over comes it. It's not a figurative overcoming of prejudice, he is faced with it and overcomes it. You see? It's not subtle and I don't think the characters change, there is no real shift in them, so how can you expect a shift from the reader?
But for everything else, you do well.You tell a full story, and show us insight into the characters. You masterfully construct the dialogue and weave the story into it seamlessly. It is truly beautiful story telling and you have worked well within the constraints of the competition. Like I said I don't think you really drive home the theme, nor do you really strike a chord with the reader, but it is a great scene and a decent story so well done!
Discribing why I love this is almost impossible. A clear story told with less then 150 words, clear as in, we can see the whole thing play out without a hitch. The second paragragh with the last few lines are perfect.
Stars man, five of them.
This is well written and certainly gets the point across.
In terms of being realistic, I'm gay and to me it's just a word, especially if theres no malice behind it. I don't think its right to make people fearful of saying words as that what gives them the power to offend. We are all human and we all think and say things that are nasty, mostly when we think people arent listening. No one is exempt from that whether you are gay, black, disabled or any other minority. There are times to make a stand but I don't think a word used casually, like in this scenario, is that time. It doesn't mean they are prejudiced in anyway, just human. I'm sure there would be many who disagree but thats my view.
I think you will be in with a good chance of winning anyway, good luck!
This is a perfect example of how a dialogue can tell a story. God that was beautiful, I want to read it again and again. The beginning was just pure awesome. Your use of fragments greatly adds a special effect to the piece as well. However, you may not want to us so many fragments because then it just becomes a jumble of words. If you're still under the word count, I suggest adding a few transition words from one sentence to another.
That word.
I mean what more do you need? I'm sure all of us have been through this experience as well, not being able to speak up. The only thing I need to tell you is to watch your commas.