Ellow, this is a random story I wrote for a friend so yeah...
Any who see her tonight will think they are seeing a shadow cast by the moon. She is the wind, the stars, the moon, a shadow of a dream long forgotten. Once she held the future in her hands, but now she holds nothing.
Running up the endless flight of stairs she made no noise, except that of a slight rustle. Her pace was constant, her shadow something of the imagination.
Somewhere behind her came a noise followed by a guard rushing by. He froze for a second before running on, any longer and he would never again close his eyes. On and on she climbed as she needs to reach the roof of this ancient structure before dawn.
For there stands a man, a master of nothing, a student of dawn, a man of no means, an obstacle to her past and her present. She slowed down near the end, stopping on the last step she hesitated. She stood for a second, a moment in time centering her mind, there would be no hesitation once she goes through those doors.
She has to, there is not a doubt in her mind, he knows her, her past, her history and her name, her true name.
The doors opened and out she slipped into the breeze. Advancing forward she saw something flickering in the breeze, before flying away. In front of her stood a man, a man of dawn. Without a thought in her mind she threw one dagger, plain, bare, only for one symbol, shadow of dusk. It flew through the air, straight and true, piercing his heart, and down he came, a man of the past.
And as she walked to the door, she stopped. He had spoken one word, a name.
" Hanako..."
Story: she is an assassin and the man is someone she used to know before she joined the 'dusk,' a group of assassins. The man is part of 'dawn' the enemies of the 'dusk'. Now she is known as Shadow and no one knows her true identity but him so she has to kill him and he knows that.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well this is quite the intriguing start. We've got some intriguing descriptions, and mysterious powers of some sort on display here. That happens to be a combination that I quite like to see so this has definitely gotten my attention with this beginning here. I can't wait to see where this one ends up going from here. It seems like there's actually a decent bit of backstory behind everything.
Okay, that took a turn there. We're touching the realm of the more metaphorical there, and I am not entirely sure what to make of that to be completely honest. It sounds quite mysterious and powerful, but at the same time if you peer into it a little deeper, it also doesn't quite make enough sense at least to me. It might totally just be me.
Hmm well this is a decent cliffhanger to end on, and with the hindsight of your little explanation at the bottom is does much more sense. But I think ultimately on its own towards the middle there this one becomes a touch too mysterious and dips into the realm of confusing. Other than though, solid opening and pretty solid ending too.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi! Nice to meet you as a new member! Hope you stick around long enough for us all to get to know each other a little better!
I didn't think bad paragraphing was your main problem; it was more like your punctuation left a lot to be desired. I do agree that the consistent commas add to how mysterious the piece is and it affects the speed of which it is read but it does seem slightly over the top and somewhat harder to read. It stops the flow being as good as it would be done slightly differently.
Give us a shout if you want any help!
Hey Googleface,
I don't believe I've seen you around here before, so allow me to just say that I am pleased to make your acquaintance. Just to inform you that we do have a basic rule to ensure that everyone gets reviewed, and that is that when you post a story, you need to already have reviewed two pieces as its "payment".
This piece is pretty short, parts of it are effective, and I think you've done fairly well here. Let's take a look at some improvements that might be made:
As far as I am aware, one cannot be goon. Perhaps you meant "gone". Also, "a flash of black" is an inherent paradox, as the definition of "flash" is, " a sudden intense burst of radiant energy" while blackness is merely absence of radiant energy. Another tip might be to either replace the comma after moon with a semicolon, or to simply end the sentence there. The actual content in this sentence is great as it gives arouses our intrigue, and that is what every first sentence should do.
I'm not going to pretend that I understand what you mean by, "what is to become." Also, the tense change here is a little disturbing. Try keeping to the same tense, unless you have a great reason to change it. Perhaps rephrase the sentence as follows: "She had once held the future in her hands, but no future remained for her."
She made a small breeze rush by?
Once again you have an inherent paradox. Either it is a flicker of the imagination, or it is cast by the dark moon. Not both.
End the sentence here. Also, it should be, "From behind her came a noise followed by a guard rushing in her direction."
For the second part, "had he remained still any longer he would never again have closed his eyes.
Right now I'm confused again. I thought that he was coming towards her. Where was she continuing on to? This needs clarification.
Once again, a tense thing. It should be, "as she needed to reach the roof of the ancient structure.
He still stands there now? I thought she killed him at the end. Also, replace that last comma with a semicolon.
Perhaps, "once she had passed through those doors.
Once again, tenses...
Great!
We can assume that this is her true name, but you have not given us reason to do so. Also, move the ellipses to the end of the name. It doesn't work to break it up by an ellipses.
Overall:
Have a great one!