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Young Writers Society



First - Work in Progress

by Goodwin10


"Don't Fall." Read the ornate gold-stone slab that was studded in emeralds and projected at Kage's eye level for all to see. Not knowing what this meant, Kage innately paused, blocking out the presences of his friends, enemies, and his own doubt. The young man, who still considered himself a child, was deep in thought. He had come to terms with growing up, and he realized that it was happening, but this wasn't the problem. It was the irony. The difference between what was happening, and what Kage thought would happen; this created the anxiety that provided the energy for this very moment. "This isn't how he said it would be," thought Kage as he held a gaze at the sandy chamber floor so fixiating that the muscles above his eyes stung in pain. At this moment, his intense focus broke. Kage brought his hand to his forehead, feeling the scar on his eyebrow; the hairless dash that seperated two halves of one of his eyebrows flawlessly, giving the two shapes a symmetry that was almost divine. At this moment, he felt a feeling that he had felt once or twice before, the feeling of being himself, unescapably himself. He knew that no matter what he did, his identity was unescapable, even in death; and this is how he knew that this mission was for him, that he could not turn back or give an effort containing less than everything he had. This thought was the catalyst for his snapping back into the reality of the situation. He looked at the people in the chamber, and though he only paused for one or two seconds, Kage got the insight that he needed. Without a glance, he siezed the arms of Max, Sarina, and Emile and walked out of the chamber, in a perfectly straight line. He saw the light of the landscape and with the calls of King Lersh in his ears, he braced himself for the inevitable future, and the interactions that he must make.


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Mon Sep 06, 2021 11:51 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Don't Fall." Read the ornate gold-stone slab that was studded in emeralds and projected at Kage's eye level for all to see. Not knowing what this meant, Kage innately paused, blocking out the presences of his friends, enemies, and his own doubt. The young man, who still considered himself a child, was deep in thought. He had come to terms with growing up, and he realized that it was happening, but this wasn't the problem. It was the irony. The difference between what was happening, and what Kage thought would happen; this created the anxiety that provided the energy for this very moment. "This isn't how he said it would be," thought Kage as he held a gaze at the sandy chamber floor so fixiating that the muscles above his eyes stung in pain. At this moment, his intense focus broke. Kage brought his hand to his forehead, feeling the scar on his eyebrow; the hairless dash that seperated two halves of one of his eyebrows flawlessly, giving the two shapes a symmetry that was almost divine. At this moment, he felt a feeling that he had felt once or twice before, the feeling of being himself, unescapably himself. He knew that no matter what he did, his identity was unescapable, even in death; and this is how he knew that this mission was for him, that he could not turn back or give an effort containing less than everything he had. This thought was the catalyst for his snapping back into the reality of the situation. He looked at the people in the chamber, and though he only paused for one or two seconds, Kage got the insight that he needed. Without a glance, he siezed the arms of Max, Sarina, and Emile and walked out of the chamber, in a perfectly straight line. He saw the light of the landscape and with the calls of King Lersh in his ears, he braced himself for the inevitable future, and the interactions that he must make.


Okay...so this is an interesting piece that you have here...but yeah, before I get into the content of this work here, I'm gonna start out by saying that you might want to look into dividing this thing up into a few paragraphs here. At the moment, this is a little bit of a large chunk of text and that's not too easy to follow along with here.

Alright then, onto the content here, we have someone that appears to be contemplating some fairly life changing decision here or at least the gravity that you can detect around things seem to indicate so here....and for the most part this really does catch your attention, there is some pretty nice description and the thought flow that you've brought out here is pretty engaging here, and you can almost see the wheels turn inside this person's mind. The one weird thing I would point it is how this person just runs out with three people held in his hand. Logistically that doesn't seem humanly possible there...although of course there's no telling if this person is not human and has more than two hands...xD

Overall, this is not a pad start to a story here. I think I like where it appears to be going and I'm interested enough that I'd probably would read more. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Jun 18, 2012 1:53 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi welcome to YWS! So far it looks like you've got an interesting story here. I didn't see any spelling mistakes yet, but I do have a few questions and suggestions.

I can't really picture one person "seizing the arms" of three other people. Especially since people only have two hands themselves. So perhaps you could change that part to: 'Kage motioned the others forward, or signalled for the others to follow.' Also who are these other three characters whom we don't meet until the last three lines? There is no description or explanation for them! I'm assumming this isn't a complete chapter yet because there isn't very much explanation of anything yet. You might consider not starting this story right in the middle of the action, but maybe going back a little or flashing back so the reader can get some much needed background on the characters and plot. So far you're doing a great job with descriptions. Even though I don't know what a single character looks like, besides Kage having a scar in his eyebrow. You also have chose some interesting names for your characters which is great.

Keep writing, I look forward to reading more!

~Alliyah~




Goodwin10 says...


Thank you! Yeah, this part of a story arose from nothing. I have no premise for the story whatsoever. I agree with the arms part, and I will fix it. I will definitely keep going with the story and see if I can get anywhere. Thank you so much for reading and for your suggestions.




“Rise like Lions after slumber In unvanquishable number. Shake your chains to earth like dew Which in sleep had fallen on you— Ye are many—they are few.”
— Mary Shelly