Methaza was sitting on her chair with a messy desk piled all over with her textbooks. The orchid bulb filled her dark room with warm brightness and the open window waved some promising cold winds from the stygian sky.
Instead of being able to study surrounded by piles of thick books, she was spending her time getting nourished by the chill of the cold and glancing the half-waking moon behind the smoky clouds.
Her expressions do not still qualified to be called happy or either sad. She was roaming in a confused mental state of what she was feeling. The epic silent around her was poking a hard noise into her ears and it seemed like each and every atom of all the matters around her was singing a song, and she was just trying to catch the beat of that music.
"What's with that expression?"
A confident voice behind her breaks into the warm silence and Methanza rolled her chair getting surprised.
A girl just similar to her age with a very attractive hormone, sparkling eyes, and a very confident posture of lips was laying on the bed. Her chest was tilted upwards supported by her elbow spaced in a dent on the cushion and was facing Methanza with a stroked smile.
"Who are you?" Methanza asked not getting much hyper.
"You know me." The girl said parting her lips but still maintaining the confident smile on her cheeks. "Don't you?
Now answer me, what's with that face?" She asked again.
"I don't know," Methanza muttered trying to hide her real words.
"Well, you know. Don't you?" The girl was still confident.
"I'm... confused. Whom should I give more importance." She framed.
"Go..On."
"Tomorrow is my parent's death anniversary, and I have been attending my every morning in that garden since this very day."
"Um-hm."
"But tomorrow is also my last day of school, and tomorrow I would be seeing him for the last time if I go to school, for I was never brave enough to express myself. I
I don't know what to do. If I go to school to see him for the last time, I would miss the correct time to get my parent's blessings. And if I go to attend them then I would miss my last chance to see him before we leave.
I'm so confused, whom should I give more importance to. My dead parents whom I love and respect or the boy I'm always delighted to see."
She expressed her all, lightening her packed heart.
"Well...you can go to your parents after school." Her confident posture was still intact but her smile fainted a bit.
"I can...but, they say the best time to see our love ones spirit is in the morning, the very time I'm supposed to be in school."
"Well, I don't remember anyone saying that." The girl points the particular thought flowing on the top of Methanza's mind.
"But wouldn't it would be like I care more about him than even my parents." She asked getting sad and undelightful.
"Who do you do care about more?" The other girl asked again.
"I mean... I do respect my parents. But..." She stopped.
"But?" She knew it.
"But watching him always gives me a pleasant chill that I couldn't experience anywhere else."
"Then you know what you should do." Her stiff posture broke and she sat crossing her legs gorgeously down near the edge.
"But it would be like I don't care about my parents in comparison to a man." Methanza straightens her legs to stand.
"Well, it does seem like that though."
"But, I can greet my parents anywhere and anytime with my love, being in the garden only does not shows that I love them." She murmured to herself sitting down on the chair and turning to see a card kept on her desk.
"So... Should I go to school tomorrow?" She asked in hope.
"You know that better than me I guess. Don't you?" The girl said with her words getting fainter.
"Yes, I do." Methanza stood up again and tightens the locket that her father gifted her and grabbed the card she was staring for half of the conversation that she had prepared for her parents. Moving to the corner of the room she picked a torn bag her mother surprised her with on her fifth school year and dragged the card smoothly inside the bag.
Then she gets back to the table and picked a pillar of books in her palm that she had already organized for tomorrow's school and zipped it lightly over the card for she needed those books before she would need that card.
Suddenly her eyes fell onto a large mirror kept in that corner of her room and she glanced at her reflection and wondered, The other girl who helped Methanza out exactly looked like her.
And when she turned around, she founds that she was all alone in that tiny room.
-Prakamya Shukla
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi! I really like the story overall & i like the conclusion the main character came to in the end.
However there are a few grammar mistakes:
1) “ I would be seeing him for the last time if I go to school,”
I think it would be better if you said: [tomorrow is my last chance to see him]
2)“ I would miss the correct time to get my parent's blessings.”
I think you meant: [the best time]
3) “ She stopped” I think you should’ve said: [she paused]
4) "But watching him always gives me a pleasant chill that I couldn't experience anywhere else." I feel like the part where you said “anywhere else” doesn’t really make sense because you’re talking about how a person makes you feel. I think you should say: [from anyone else], or just change the sentence altogether, you could say: [the way he makes me feel is nothing like anything anyone else made me feel.]
5)” being in the garden only does not shows that I love them” I think the construction of this sentence is a bit off. Maybe you should say: [going to the garden doesn’t necessarily show/ mean that I love them] or [going to the garden isn’t the only way I can show my love to them]
6)” She stood up and tightens the locket that her father gifted her” you said “she stood up & tightens” this doesn’t sound very nice & you’re also supposed to be consistent in your writing. You’ve been using the past tense mostly so instead of “tightens” you should use: [tightened]. I noticed you made this mistake more than once so I recommend you read over your story again.
I hope you found this helpful.
Hello there!
I am here for a review. So basically here you showed the dilemma going on with a girl who has to decide whether she should leave school for a day to offer her prayers to her parent's on their death anniversary or to first attend the school which will be last opportunity for her to meet her young love. I really liked that you took the help of her conscience to show this internal conflict going on in her mind. This is something many people do experience, well not exactly in the same manner but yes they do.
I will be nitpicking now. Take whatever you think goes good with with you.
A small typo in the very beginning where you spelled Methanza wrong.
Then there were places where you wrote than instead of then like here-
Then there were a few places where I got confused whether it's the conscience speaking or it's Methanza herself. Like here-
Isn't all these three paragraphs the dialogue of the actual Methanza in continuation. If I am wrong please do tell me. So I think it's better to put them together to avoid confusion. If you don't want this to look like a big chunk of dialogue separate them by certain expressions given by Methanza or put a dialogue by her conscience that clearly mentions who is speaking at the moment.
I think these two are also said by the conscience. So you can club the two paragraphs together.
This is a very good thought by Methanza
bad? What did you mean here?
Okay so overall I really enjoyed your short story. It was based on quite an emotional dilemma and I think you did great with expressing this through your work. I liked the conversation Methanza had with her conscience and it's good it all finally worked out.
All the best for your future writings.
Great work!
Keep writing
Hi / Namaste
Thanks for the review and the suggestions.
Actually mere English kuch khas acchi nahi hai or isliye I easily get confused where shoul I use then or than. But I will try my best to learn those details and I will also make all the sentences spoken by Methanza.
Or vo last mai mujhe 'bag' likhna tha par galti se bad likh diya.
Thanks mujhe ye sab batane ke liye.
Dhanyavad
No problem. I don't think your English is weak, you are doing quite good. Don't ever underestimate yourself. The minor mistakes can happen with anyone and we all are in the process of learning. Aap bhut acha kr rh ho
Thankyou, that means a lot...
Dhanyavad
So.
What do I see here? I nice example of prose that tells us about a character's inner conflicts and the way the character solves them. Some authors don't really care much for how exactly to show the conflict appearing or describing it, they just let us see the hero's thoughts flow, which is also good, of course. But why stop there if we can move on? The author of the story above has done a good job representing a lonely troubled teenager who is dealing with her problem on her own, and even if the idea seems simple, it contains more than just a fantasy about ghosts and illusions. A lonely person often tends to speak to themselves, that's a common thing because lonely people don't have anyone to talk to, obviously. Talking to yourself helps get things the right way, find a solution, or ask a question inside your own mind. But as for me, showing a person who talks to herself is an important step that helps show the depth of the problem. A girl without parents chooses between the most loved ones who are long gone and a boy who she loves, too. Quite a dilemma, isn't it? I asked myself what I would choose, and that was definitely a difficult choice. So a plus to the author for being interested in such deep and complicated matters.
I usually don't concentrate on grammar mistakes if I see some, but I would like to recommend the author look through the work a few times and catch the possible typos or something. And there was a thing that got my attention: eyes fell onto. That was a hard one. Is there a phrase like that? If yes, then I'll probably change my opinion about English, and if not, I highly recomment the author to consider this detail, becayse eyes falling on something sounds creepy, if you know what I mean.
The work is really good, so keep on writing!
Sincerely yours,
Drak.
Hi/ Namaste
Thanks for the detailed review you presented.
Looking at it seems like you really understood the main and simple details I was working to present.
Some small problems of our life that seem nothing to others had a great meaning for us. And that's why it's such a big problem for us to chose one alternative.
Thanks for the suggestions and the appriciation.
In a general way, I had written eyes falling onto, or kind of that many times in my other writings as well. But why does it seem like creepy.
My main lanuage is not English, so if it do have a reason than please tell me, because don't know about that.
Thankyou for telling me about it.
Dhanyavad
English is not my native language either, so I may be mistaken about the phrase about eyes. I just imagines eyes falling on something, and that scared me a bit) But, again, I may be mistaken)
I see, thanks for reply.
Dhanyavad
I really like it keep up the great work
Hi/ Namaste
Thank you for your appreciation, that means a lot....