Young Writers Society

I enjoyed it. I have laways wante to read one of those epic poems that are like twenty pages long. i hope yours is like that.

you should put an accent mark over the e in "cursed" (first line)--improves the flow, just feels right. Again on 3rd line of 3rd stanza. Fifth stanza, I don't know why the rhyme at the end doesn't work in my mind, and this one does, but that's the case, so: change the last line to "The war for Himdel then began." See how it sounds--I know it seems wrong. It makes it rhyme w/ other parts of the stanza.
""King Jerdek's men gave many toasts,
Their victory they celebrated.
The single Grelt beheld their boasts,
And in the shadows planned and waited."--the rhyme seems awkward here, maybe it's a meter problem.
First line really great, second line is really jarring, and I think you should maybe describe Himdil some, because I have some great images in my head of how it could be, but it's not there in that.


lines I really liked--"The Grelts were strong, their statures tall,
With keen, sharp eyes and savage mind."
and despite what I said, "The call rang out, the armies dashed
To meet beneath the rising sun.
In valley wide, the forces clashed.
The war for Himdil had begun. "
and then the stanza:
"The brood of Grelts returned again,
Their armor mended, swords cleaned well.
Again they challenged Jerdek's men...
... The lone Grelt cast his evil spell. ", that's way good. I'm a bit surprised that the ellipses worked, but I think they did.
"In misty frozen mountain Whurn."--beautiful image, I love what it conjures in my head.
"With weapons rusted, armor coarse,
And arrows nigh too bent to shoot."--another couple lines I surprise myself by liking, but indeed I do.

really well done, builds great images/feel. peace out.

Thanks, guys! I'm glad you liked it.

Does anybody think it is too long? Or too hard to read? Is it confusing?

I'm flattered that you'd like to see the first chapter, but alas, 'tis not ready. I'm still editing. Actually, I don't suppose I'll post it at all. Sorry, but I'm actually hoping to go someplace with it, and if it sees the light of day here, it will be considered 'already published.' I am tentative about that sort of thing...

Oh dear, I hope everybody understands! Thank you for reading it!

Goldie

wow, this was really good I really enjoyed it alot. it was like something you read in one of those epic poetry books. not really my taste, poetry, but this is very good...

yours
BlackDove

Love the dramatic ending. Can't wait to read your first chapter. "Grelt" is a great name.

Whoa, thats pretty amazing, it's like some piece of epic poetry. If thats just the prologue I cant wait to see the first chapter.

Excellent! I have no idea how you can think in old english, but it's great.

#Queen of the Pirates#