z

Young Writers Society


12+

Selina Heroza and the Rise of the Fallen

by Goldenfox101


Chapter one

Sacrificed

I brushed sweat off my brow and reached up higher to grip the lush red apple that gleamed not a mere 2 inches from my stretched out hand, with no prevail. I slumped. What would the Pax officer (robots in human skin that were programmed to seek out people who messed up) do to me if I failed to do my best? That thought occurred to me every day, and every day the Pax would inspect my work. I had been punished before. I winced at the memory of a glass braided whip slashing permanent scars across my back for tripping and dropping a basket of fresh apples into a stream and ruining them.

I brushed the memory away and dropped to the ground. The hot sun beated down on the orchard, 100s of acres of land filled with 100s of workers. A forest stretched around the orchard and the village. This was Messis, a small town nestled in a place once known as Europe, in a country once known as France. Now, it was Regnum, an empire (that contained what used to be Asia, Africa, Europe, and Australia) based primarily on the Latin language. Pax meant peace, Messis meant harvest, and Regnum meant kingdom, which is strange, because Regnum was an empire.

My name is Selina Heroza. I’m 16 years old. I live in Messis, Regnum. From age 4, all citizens of Messis were required to work tireless in the fields. Or, if you could afford it, you could be a merchant. I happened to be poor. Yippee for me.

I returned to my work, my red hair stuck to my sweaty face and blew into my gray eyes (I know that a long time ago people thought humans won’t have red hair, but I do). I grabbed the basket of apples, and hurried up to the cart in the middle of the field to put them in. I placed the basket in and started walking back to my section again, when my eyes met Maxwell French. Maxwell was another worker. He was a tall, black, handsome boy with golden eyes and brown hair. He had a lean build, like a runner. I was his best friend. He was competitive, smart, kind, funny, and strong. He spent every second doing something active. His eyes flitted away and continued to grab a juicy pear.

You might be thinking- wow! You guys are lucky! Fresh fruit every day! Uh… no. This all went to the head of Regnum, so the emperor and his rich friends could have fresh fruit from our toil. We ate what was rotten, or what the richer people didn’t want, or, if you could afford weapons, you could hunt. That’s what I did.

Anyway, I continued to work until the Pax rounded us all up in lines and sent us back home. I walked the crowded streets until I reached the run down barn that belonged to my family. We were on the very edge of Messis surrounded by a forest of oaks, beach, pine, elm, hemlock, etc., with a soft blanket of moss. I loved the woods. I spent hours there with Cyrus, my brother, and Maxwell, hunting. We were allowed to, by the way.

It was dark, so I fumbled for the door handle and finally it flung open. Only my father was there. My two brothers and sister worked at the farthest field away. My mother worked at a tailor’s shop, so she was always late for dinner fixing dresses or clothes. My dad looked exactly like my siblings, but my mom and I looked different than them. The rest of my family had strait blonde hair with green eyes.

As soon as I walked inside, my father smiled and said

“Selina! How was your day?”

“Sufficient.” I murmured, then I spoke loudly, “What’s for dinner?”

“Roasted rabbit and canned peaches. Set the table.”

*

I moved forward, careful to make no sound, until I stepped on a particularly dry branch which snapped. The rabbit turned and darted into the brush. I turned and head back to the tree fort. I swung my way up to the top, where Maxwell sat and cleaned a kill, a pheasant.

“Hey.” I said and sat awkwardly next to him.

“Hey. I’m just chilling. Did you kill anything?” he asked and put the pheasant into a plastic bag to roast later.

“Uh… no. I nearly killed a rabbit but I stepped on a twig.” I admitted, feeling sort of useless because Maxwell and Cyrus killed one every day, at least.

“Ah… the old twig got you again. Well, Selina, Cyrus already killed a rabbit and went out to kill another, probably. At least, you won’t die of starvation.” He said, pausing to place the plastic bag containing the pheasant into his game bag and continued, “The sacrifices are coming up…”

That sentence surprised me. The people of Regnum generally avoided the topic, of the sacrifices. Every year, a three kids from a town (there are 14 towns and one town is picked each year) are sent to the emperor’s mansion, and what happens to them there is unknown, but whenever the people see the kids, they look worse and worse every time, but then they claim to support the emperor and everybody turns against them, and then they are flown over a forest and dropped into a the most dangerous forest of the world (known as the death forest) to die. Why did the emperor do this? Well for one, it was to show his immense power, and two, he liked death. Period. That was the sacrifices. I hadn’t had anyone I knew die in the sacrifices. But, sometimes you survived all this. People who had survived disappeared, and so did their families. Only one kid had ever survived in Messis. Arrow. Arrow was a young girl, back when the emperor was born. My mom new her well and was devastated when she was sacrificed, but befuddled when she survived and disappeared. So that was the sacrifices.

“Oh. Oh yeah.” I muttered and continued “One week, right?” And before he answered, I knew I was correct.

“Yeah. Oh look!” Maxwell exclaimed and pointed at Cyrus, who carried a large buck with antlers the size as a longbow, as he walked down the trail leading to the tree house. I smiled. Deer were rare, and good for trading. I imagined the fresh vegetables and warm bread and my mouth watered. Deer were valuable. Very valuable. We could keep some of the deer, and trade the rest for money, fruit and vegetables, bread, and oil.

“Jackpot!” Maxwell whopped and Cyrus smiled.

“He was just standing there,” Cyrus said, “and he saw me and my bow. But the strangest thing happened. He lowered his legs, like a bow. And I shot him threw the head. Quickly, no pain.”

“That is strange… most deer would be scared just by your face…” I said, smiling. He flushed bright red and Maxwell grabbed his game bag and began to help Cyrus get out of the woods with the deer. I sat befuddled on the floor of the tree fort. Why did the deer bow?

It was dark, and the clanging of dinner pans woke me from my nap. Our house, like I said, was in a rundown old barn with two floors with a loft for storage. I slept in a bunk bed with my little sister, Gloria, which means little in Latin. The bunk bed was rickety with a thread bare blanket over each bed. A dresser held all of our clothes. I had my own little desk with nick knacks from the woods. We had school twice a week, Thursday and Friday with a free day on Sunday. Other than these things, our room was bare. We could barely afford anything.

I rolled off of the bottom bunk and opened the rickety door to see Cyrus stumbling out of my three brother’s room, Fortis, Cyrus, and Donavan. Cyrus was 16, but wasn’t my twin. Cyrus saw me and waved groggily. He was exhausted, like me, from trekking around our town trading the deer. We got 50 coms (our form of currency), which was a great deal of money, a knife and a knife sharpener, a ½ gallon of oil, milk, spices, ham, butter, cheese, some vegetables and fruit along with a leg of the deer.

Cyrus and I walked down the steps to a delicious smelling kitchen. My father smiled as I walked through the door. I smelled venison steaks with mashed potatoes and spices like rosemary and thyme. Gloria pranced around my father, anxiously waiting for the steaks. His golden hair gleamed like wheat even through the dim kitchen. My mother, Opal, lay on the couch, sleeping away. Donavan was chopping wood to feed the fire, his face determined and strong. He was always the joker, but the hardest worker. He chopped wood, made the fire, fixed the house, and generally anything Fortis and Cyrus didn’t want to do. He is really popular at school, and has a lot of friends, unlike Cyrus and me.

When dinner was finally done, we all sat down to eat, even mother. We ate in silence until my father piped up.

“I uh… have some bad news and some sort of good news. What do you guys want to hear first?”

“The bad news, so we can be cheered up by the good news.” Said Fortis. Nobody agreed or disagreed, so father told us the bad news first.

“The town being picked for the sacrifices is Messis.”

An uncomfortable silence filed the air. “And the sort of good news?” Gloria asked timidly.

“There are over 12 million people in Messis, what are the chances anyone from our area will be picked?” My father finished. We all nodded, assured.

*

One week later, we were heading to work. All the kids were tense, because the emperor sacrifices from an age group of 5-20 years old. And finally one of the Pax officers came over the announcement speakers.

“Hello, people of Messis.” He said in his normally bored voice, “today I will be announcing the three sacrifices. There are two boys, Andre Harvester and Cyrus Heroza. And we have one girl, Selina Heroza. All sacrifices go to the town hall. Thank you.”

I stood there, rooted to the ground, a fresh peach clenched in one hand. I thought, this had to be a dream, but I had a feeling tears were coming down my face in hot, salty streams. Cyrus. Why my brother? Why do this, emperor? And also, why did they pick three kids from the same area? I knew Andre well. I felt as though my life was gone. Aleria, a friend of mine, put her hand on my shoulder and whispered,

“Go. It’ll… be okay.”

Soon I was sitting in the wicker chair facing a boy I knew from school, Andre Harvester. He was medium height, with short brownish reddish hair and blue eyes. He was good-looking, and many girls liked him, but he claimed not to like anyone. He worked in one of the factories, so he was covered in smoky residue and smelled like machinery. He was nice, and one of my friends (well, to be totally honest, I’d have to say I have a teensy crush on him).

“So, Selina. How’s life?” Andre asked. He always said the right thing, and knew what to say when someone was sad.

“Okay, up until April 22nd, 2477.” I said, stating the date. He smiled.

In the room next to us, Cyrus was having an interview with some reporters. I listened to him answer silly questions like “what’s your favorite color” or something. I was thinking about why they would pick siblings, but it was to add drama.

Soon another reporter grabbed me by my shoulder and steered me into a bright room with huge windows and bright plants and cushions and a two large, soft chairs faced each other over a coffee table. Three cameras were set up, but the reporter had two “preppies” as we would call them, put a light layer of makeup to hide my acne and imperfections. They tossed me a golden dress and did my hair in less than 10 minutes.

The reporter was a short, pretty lady from the capitol of Regnum, Centre Ville. She had a peppy attitude and was sympathetic to me. And as soon as the camera men said “action” she started the interview.

“Hello Regnum! It’s Rhea, here with Selina Heroza, the only female sacrifice in this group from Messis. How do you feel about becoming a sacrifice, Selina?”

I didn’t answer for a second, and then I said

“Awful. It’s pretty much a death sentence for Andre, Cyrus and I and we know that.”

“Oh… okay. So what do you think of going to the emperor’s house for a year? Meeting many famous people?”

“It’s not like he’s going to be nice to me or something. He does this to remind us of his power. Not for poor people like us in Messis to have a vacation.”

“Well, okay. A beautiful girl like you, do you like a boy?”

“No. Boys have always appealed as unimportant. I really want to go now, are there any more questions?” I was growing impatient with Rhea.

“Um… well, that’s the only questions people have sent in today. Thank you for joining us and come back in fifteen minutes for an interview with Andre Harvester!” Rhea finished and sent a dazzling smile at the camera and then the preppies grabbed me and undid my hair, put it in a ponytail, and gave me an oat colored sweater and jeans with leather boots to wear before I left Messis forever.

*

I sat next to Cyrus, who turned out to be surprisingly attractive without dirt on his face. But as soon as I sat down, his jaw dropped.

“You’re… you’re gorgeous…” he stammered. He took in my polished red hair and scrubbed creamy-white skin and perfect makeup.

“You don’t look bad either.” I said. We sat in silence for a few minutes as we heard the reporter laugh at whatever Andre was saying. Then Cyrus broke the silence.

“What are we supposed to do? We are pretty much going to be tortured and then killed. We are never going to see Gloria or mom or dad ever again. All we have is a factory boy and two farm workers.” He said, tears coming down, “we already have an awful life with too much suffering and pain, and now people will change us, turn our friends and family against us by saying we support the emperor. Torture our family and make us see it. Take our life away, and then let us go mad in the Death Forest. We’re doomed, Selina, doomed.” He said, his voice cracking. He turned away and started sobbing.

“How do you know we’re going to be tortured?” I asked

“Did you know think we’re going to get a perfect life? Have you seen the sacrifices? Every time you see them they look worse and worse.”

“Oh… okay” At that moment Andre walked in. He was pampered just like Cyrus and I, but he wasn’t really that special in his identical khaki pants and a blue polo shirt, like Cyrus’s. We sat in silence for less than minute and then the Pax officers came in and rounded us all up. At that moment, our awful life ended and a worse one started.

As the officers led us outside, the square full of people, some faces relived that they weren’t seeing their children, some sympathetic, and some sad. I saw my family and Andre’s weeping as we were led to a train that was leading us to the emperor. And at the moment, our lives were stolen away forever.

Chapter Two

Rescued

I stared out at the hundreds of buildings as we raced through Germania, now a huge industrial city in what used to be Germany. If you’re wondering what the fashion is now, well, it’s sort of primitive, since most of the population is poor, we only own a few articles of clothing, and it’s tough, durable, and usually dark green, brown, gray or black. For richer people, it’s mainly Goth black and dark colors or hipster style with vibrant colors. You either belonged to the Goth or the hipsters. But anyway, I was thinking intently about our future in Centre Ville. With the emperor, Caesar (no joke. This dude’s name is literally the Latin name for emperor, so feel free to think of him as Emperor Emperor). My life was taking a very sharp turn onto you’re doomed path.

Cyrus sat across the table in the train, staring at the table. What was going through his mind? Our train car was a tin, cold, crummy boxcar on a cargo train heading to the head city. But so we didn’t escape the car, there were two Pax officers. They were staring at me, which made me worried I had something on my face.

Andre Harvester was in another car, by himself. It turns out, Cyrus was right. They were definitely not being nice to him. I could hear his pained whimpers from the next car over. Then I heard a muffled scream of pain, then another. But the screams didn’t belong to Andre. The two guards watching over us knew that too and one went to check it out and left us alone with the other Pax officer. We waited a few seconds until a yell rang throughout the car. The other Pax officer left the see and again, and we heard a loud thump.

Then the door opened. Five people in black and brown clothing and masks came in. Cyrus stood up, and so did I, because one of them held the battered body of Andre. Then one stepped forward.

“We can do this the easy way. Or if you struggle, we will knock you out.” Said the man

“Who are you?” Cyrus asked

“Nobody you would care about.”

“No. We’re not going with you.” Cyrus said defiantly, his arms crossing over his chest. I starred at Andre’s body with fear. He wasn’t bloody or scarred, but his eyes had a creepy vacant look in his eyes. I didn’t want to go either

“Then we’ll do it the hard way.”

And then my world went black

Memories flashed by, I came in and out of sleep. I heard snippets of conversation and faces. Unfamiliar faces. With masks over their mouths. Then, I woke up. The light from the bright white room blinded me as I sat up. I shook my head sullenly, hoping yesterday (or whenever, depending on how long I was sleeping) was all just a messed up nightmare. But as I fully opened my eyes, and felt the silky garments I was wearing, and the soft mattress, and knew this wasn’t my house. I sat on a gurney in a white room with no windows. A computer that showed a screen of colorful statistics sat on a lone desk in the corner.I immediately felt hungry and groggy and tired and I missed Cyrus and Andre terribly. Where those people??

Then the door opened. A lady with curly black hair and brown eyes walked in and her gaze settled upon me.

“Ut, Te in hac causa satis est ... Selina Heroza, qui in Amore” she said in fluent Latin. But I only knew a few words in Latin.

“Can you… uh… repeat that in English.”

“Ah, never mind, Selina. Welcome to Amor. You have never heard of it, because, well, frankly, it doesn’t exist.” She said, “My name is Mace.”

I looked at her, my mind racing with new and unanswered questions. “Amor is a fairy tale. A place of peace and love and tranquility.” I say, my voice cracking, “where’s Cyrus and Andre? Are they okay, are they going to live? Are you going to hurt them? Tell me. Tell me now!” I said loud and angrily.

“No, no, we rescued you. Cyrus is eating. Andre… well, he’s in bad shape. They tortured him from the inside out. He uh… might not survive.” She said, backing toward the door. She must think I’m crazy… I thought.

“Well then… save him.” I said coolly “can you leave me alone please?”

“Yes, of course.” She murmured and left

My mind was racing. Amor was a fairy tale. It didn’t exist. I finally got up and opened the door. Outside there was a long hallway with a few doors. There was a chair in front of my door with a pair of durable cargo pants and a dark green camouflage shirt and a brown jacket and sturdy hiking boots on it. I tried them on, and they all fit. I walked down the hallway and in one door I heard Andre breathing heavily. I grabbed the doorknob and turned.

I didn’t really know what to expect. I didn’t expect a perfectly healthy Andre, though.

He looked healthy, but still was thinner and more sunken than before. Then he opened his eyes. I was expecting his sea blue eyes, not the red ones that were staring back at me. I muffled a scream and stumbled backwards and shut the door, and ran blindly through the hallways of the building. I finally found a door that was titled exit. I pushed it open and nearly fainted.

There was the most beautiful place ever. Tall, snow capped mountains loomed in the north. Masses of emerald forests and golden meadows spotted the plain. And in front of me was a beautiful city of marble and gold and silver and trees and flowering vines over cafés and shops and trees bearing fresh fruit. People walked the streets laughing and smiling and chatting. There were roof gardens and tall buildings. Cobblestone streets and kids playing out in the streets. This was how I would have imagined Amor.

I stood there for a few seconds, then someone grabbed my shoulder. I whipped around and came face to face with… my mother. Her red hair, identical to mine, was brushed and pulled tightly into a bun. She looked healthier and stronger, but caught up in sorrow.

“Mom?” I ask, caught completely by surprise. Her face showed little signs of happiness.

“Uh… yes, honey. Get back inside the hospital now.” She said hurriedly and pushed me back into the white hallways which I now hated. I hated the way the hospital always had them, how they got you lost in your own grief. The hospital was like a white maze.

“Mom, where, how… mom, what’s going on?” I said, half crying. I took in her familiar face, tried but strong.

“Honey, you’ve been out for 3 weeks.” She said, half crying, “We can explain everything, but you just have to hang in there, okay?”

“Mom, I- I will.” I said, choking. I don’t know why I was being so emotional, maybe it was the fact that Andre was dying.

“Dear, oh, sit down.” She said, gesturing to a couch in the hallway. “Honey, when you were rescued, Emperor Caesar sent many men out to look for you and we were in danger, so the soldiers of Amor rescued Fortis, Donavan, and me before the emperor’s soldiers could get us-“

“What about Gloria? And father?” I asked, crying now, hoping not to hear bad news.

“Well, they- they were captured and-“She started to say, but I was furious.

“AND YOU DIDN’T STOP THEM? THE SOLDIERS DIDN’T TRY?” I screamed. I felt crazy, unlike myself, ready to tear apart the hospital. Doctors and nurses looked out of their rooms to stare at me as I ranted. Finally one ran up to me, and I felt a sharp pain, then wooziness as I fell over and fell asleep.

“Two?” that was the first voice I heard when I woke up and looked at the clock. I was asleep for three hours. The voice was familiar, though… Cyrus! I heard Cyrus’s voice! I sat up quickly and saw Cyrus and Andre talking to each other on the two chairs next to my bed. Andre smiled, his eyes back to normal. Cyrus smiled also, but with a more worn look in his eyes. A gun was strapped across his back, his face was covered in scratches, and he wore a blue uniform with the words “Down with Caesar! General Heroza” on a badge. General Heroza?

“Hey, Selina. There’s a lot to explain…” Cyrus said, placing his hand on my shoulder.

This is what I know- I was rescued about a month ago by land hundreds of miles across the ocean to a simulated environment in a country once known as America, the only country that resisted Regnum when it attacked them. The American’s made a new name, Amor (love in Latin) and an invisible simulated perfect environment to protect the citizens from Regnum. It extended throughout the entire country and the north. They have been intent on destroying Regnum. The only reason they saved me was to get Regnum all riled up. Not because they liked me, and they wanted Cyrus and Andre to be officers. Andre, though, had only been out and about for three hours so he was a “rookie” soldier. Anyway, they had rescued us and declared war with Regnum. And my brother, though only 16 years old, is a general.

“And now, you are here.” Cyrus said, waving around the hospital room “for the second time this month. Anyway, the head general, Marcella, wants you to be a soldier for your hunting and teamwork skills.” He says, waving around a fancy looking envelope. I took that in, and then nodded.

“Sounds good. Can I get out of this hospital?” I said. I was really starting to hate the white room.

“Yeah, of course!” Cyrus said “we’ll give you time to refresh. The bathroom and shower is behind that door.” He said, and gestured to a door on my left, “and training starts tomorrow. The clothing you found this morning is your uniform. Bye, Selina.”

Cyrus and Andre sat up and turned and left without another word. I got out of bed, took a shower, and got dressed, placing my red hair in a ponytail. I exited the hallway and walked to the exit I found this morning. I walked out, and I was surprised. It was night. I took in the beauty of the city at night until another soldier walked up. He had a face mask, so I had no idea who it was. The soldier then took off his mask. The person’s face surprised me. The person I was looking at was Maxwell French.

“Hey, Selina! Before you say anything, yes I was rescued along with your family. I was eating with them. So, are you looking for Cyrus’s apartment… or Andre’s?” he said and elbowed me in my ribs.

“No, you idiot, I want to go to Cyrus’s. Okay?” I said, smiling. Maxwell never failed to make me laugh.

“Okay. Come on’ then. Follow me.” He said, and started walking down the street. I followed, taking in the extravagant beauty of Amor. The architectural brilliance shined outwardly from every café, hotel, house, and walkway. There wasn’t any ferocity in Amor, unlike Regnum, where you could hear screams from the central square even if you were halfway across the town. I didn’t miss Regnum a bit, but the news about Gloria and father heaved on me like a weight. I constantly thought of Gloria’s cute smile, her laugh, her utmost trust, and how the soldiers of Amor had failed to save that innocent soul. She was probably dead in Centre Ville. With the emperor.

“You okay?” Maxwell asked, looking at me with those beautiful golden eyes, concerned.

“I’m just…” I knew he would know I was lying if I said fine. “I’m just a little, you know, shocked about this month and, everything.”

“I understand.” He said. We walked in silence down the gorgeous street but now, the city seemed less significant now that the full impact of father’s and Gloria’s capture hit me like a speeding bullet. I sighed and looked at the starry sky. Well, from all the light pollution there was only a few dim stars. In America, they had destroyed every last bit of forest except for the National Parks. Now, this enhanced environment had more trees. But in Regnum, the actually cared about the environment and they protected it.

Soon, Maxwell stopped and pointed at a building that was so beautiful I was nearly blinded.

“Yeah, this is your brother’s place. Pretty sweet, right?” Maxwell asked. I couldn’t agree more. It was a bigger building than the surrounding buildings, with a huge, detailed garden with a rainbow of flowers, benches, man-made streams, and pavilions. The building was the size of a hotel, with slopping banisters of marble and gold and silver. Huge windows overlooked the city, and there was a crystal blue pool. I stood there, gaping at the mansion my brother had.

“How did he…” I asked, but Maxwell knew what I was going to ask.

“Generals get paged extremely well, and so would you, once you and Andre are done with training.” He said, and unlatched the front gate, and it swing open to a cobblestone path, then handed me a key labeled “master key”. “Go inside. Your brother isn’t here, he’s at the military hall discussing stuff. Your belongings are in the second bedroom on the right of the third floor. Good bye, Selina.” He said, waved, and then walked off leaving me with a huge mansion and a master key.

“Um… okay, Maxwell, I’ll just, you know, see you later?” I say and turn around to wave good bye, but he was gone. “Okay then.”

I walk down the winding walkway through the breath-taking garden. I stared at the roses, the daffodils, the paper whites, all perfectly grown. I finally reached the front porch and stuck the master key into the lock, and the huge doors swung open to utmost splendor. Low couches faced tables piled with fruit, bread, and cold water. A huge dining door had a giant window that looked out over the back garden and the mountains. There was a private gym, movie-theater, and indoor pool with water slides. There was a library filled with holographic laptops that you could read whatever you wanted. There were servant robots that did whatever you wanted. There was a buffet line with a plethora of foods. My room had the softest linens and a private Jacuzzi bathroom.

There was only one way to describe this place- awesome. I unpacked and then jumped around in our private trampoline room (did I mention we had this too?), eat, and while I was eating, Cyrus walked in, tired and exhausted.

“Hey, Selina. Happy to see you are out… and about…” he said, plopping down on the couch.

“Cyrus, how long have you had this? Why is it so… awesome?” I asked, sliding my hand down the slick able table, then I took another bite of the juiciest roast beef I ever had. “Well, Amor needs good generals, and they thought I’d be good. I’ve only had for about a month. And this isn’t just mine, all the generals use it and there’s about 5 and their wives or husbands. None of them have kids.” He said, grabbing a bowl of cereal and sitting next to me. He had scratches that hadn’t been there this morning, and his face was worn and weary, with wrinkles in his face, and his blond hair looked more like brown.

“Cyrus, Maxwell said you were planning battles, not actually fighting them.” I said, smiling.

“Uh… I was also training. Look, Selina, I have to tell you something, but, not here not now.” He said, wringing his hands, “maybe upstairs?”

“Cyrus, what’s going on?” I said, genuinely worried, standing up. His cherry mood had gone downhill, and now he was insanely worried.

“We’re in danger, you see, and you aren’t safe here, we-“he stopped suddenly, his eyes grew wide and he muttered “Selina” and then something red spurted out of his mouth over me. Blood. I whimpered, scared.I glanced up to the top balcony to see a figure cloaked in black disappear into the shadows. Cyrus slumped over the table, still alive, but barely. I got up, crying silently, and pulled Cyrus onto to floor, and located a dart that had found the back of his neck.

“Cyrus, are you, are you alive? Please answer…” I said, half crying. I tapped my watch, which immediately called the hospital. I told them what happened, and in less than a minute, surgeons carried away the half dead Cyrus.

I walked upstairs, absolutely exhausted from the night, but my mind was swirling with unanswered questions. Why did Cyrus have an assassin? Was that assassin out to get me too? Why did Cyrus, a sixteen year old farmer, have killers? I laid down on my comfortable bed, but in the light from the past events, the bed felt like a brick.

I was just drifting off the sleep when the dreams tormented me, reminding me that I still wasn’t free.

I realize this is extremely like the hunger games. I am not continuing the story. I'm currently writing another story I will upload soon.


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33 Reviews


Points: 1129
Reviews: 33

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Wed Jul 12, 2017 8:32 pm
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GinaERufo wrote a review...



Hi there :)
So, for my review I would firstly like to say that I enjoyed this and also that much of what I would have to say was already covered by myjaspercat. Anyway, I would suggest writing out numbers(such as the 2 that you used in the first paragraph) simply because I have made that mistake before and people can be very nit-picky about it.

"stretched out hand"---this was used in the first paragraph. I personally would have used outstretched hand because I think it flows better in the story

(robots in human skin that were programmed to seek out people who messed up)--for things like this I would separate them with a comma to explain what they are to readers

From age 4---try from the age of 4 for a better flow

Also, your sentences are just a bit wordy and bulging with information, which could be good if you provided it the right way. My suggestion is, instead of giving all of the back ground information in the first few paragraphs, I would space it out. Try to think of the audience already knowing this information and your characters just going about their day, and try to slip background info into dialogue or description.

I think this story could be really good, so I'm sad to see that you won't be continuing, but hopefully this review will help you in your future writing endeavors :) Overall, I enjoyed reading this, and the first few paragraphs did a really good job of capturing my attention because you didn't reveal the identity of your character too quickly. I think that you could go far in your writing.

Hope this helps!
-G




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265 Reviews


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Reviews: 265

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Wed Jul 12, 2017 2:10 am
myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey there Goldenfox101,
Myjaspercat here to review this piece for you

LINE-BY-LINE/NIT-PICKS: Since you posted two chapters in one [which I would advise against this in the future] and they're pretty lengthy chapters, I'm going to split them up as to make it a little easier for myself.

CHAPTER 1

Spoiler! :
I brushed [the] sweat off my brow and reached up higher to grip the lush red apple that gleamed not a mere 2 inches from my stretched out hand, I would suggest that you actually spell out the number two. with no prevail. I slumped. What would the Pax officer (robots in human skin that were programmed to seek out people who messed up) do to me if I failed to do my best? If it's a thought then you should put it in italics as to make it easier for your readers to distinguish the difference. That thought occurred to me every day, and every day the Pax would inspect my work. I had been punished before. I winced at the memory of a glass braided whip slashing permanent scars across my back for tripping and dropping a basket of fresh apples into a stream and ruining them. Not a bad start.

I brushed [Brushing] the memory away and [I] dropped to the ground. The hot sun beated "beated" isn't a word, if you're looking for the past tense of beat, well, it's still beat. down on the orchard, 100s of acres of land filled with 100s of workers. Again, you should spell out the numbers instead of actually using the numerical form. A forest stretched around the orchard and the village. Since you haven't mentioned the village before, I would suggest adding "nearby" or something along those lines. This was Messis, a small town nestled in a place once known as Europe, in a country once known as France. Now, it was Regnum, an empire (that contained what used to be Asia, Africa, Europe, and Australia) based primarily on the Latin language. The parenthesis aren't needed, the sentence still makes sense and is grammatically correct without them. Pax meant peace, Messis meant harvest, and Regnum meant kingdom, which is strange, because Regnum was an empire. You're getting a little into "as you know" territory, be careful.

My name is Selina Heroza. I’m 16 years old. I live in Messis, Regnum. From age 4, all citizens of Messis were [are] required to work tireless in the fields. Or, [But] if you could afford it, you could be a merchant. I happened to be poor. Yippee for me. This is a little too much like an information dump. There are better ways to introduce this kind of information. Right now it's not a lot so if you want to keep it fine, but I would watch out for it in the future.

I returned to my work, my red hair stuck to my sweaty face and blew into my gray eyes (I know that a long time ago people thought humans won’t have red hair, but I do). The statement in the parenthesis seems wrong to me. What do you mean by it? Are you referencing how people believe people wont have red hair. Also if this is a human speaking and they're talking about humans then wouldn't it be better to just say 'people?' Or in this case it would be grammatically better to say 'people thought we wouldn't...' I grabbed the basket of apples, were did this basket of apples come from? and hurried up to the cart in the middle of the field to put them in [it]. I placed the basket in and started walking back to my section again, when my eyes met Maxwell French. Maxwell was another worker. He was a tall, black, handsome boy with golden eyes and brown hair. He had a lean build, like a runner. I was his best friend. He was competitive, smart, kind, funny, and strong. He spent every second doing something active. His eyes flitted away and continued to grab a juicy pear. I like the description of Maxwell but again, watch out for information dumps.

You might be thinking- wow! You guys are lucky! Fresh fruit every day! Couple things here: One, no we are not thinking that. You've given us some clues that they are working in the fields because they are 'forced' so I wouldn't say they were lucky. As well we [your readers] don't have any context to suggest that these people get the fruit. Second, I'm a little biased towards exclamation marks, but I honestly don't think they are needed here. Right now they just feel like they lag down the piece a bit. Uh...no. [But you'd be wrong] This all went to the head of Regnum, so the emperor and his rich friends could have fresh fruit from our toil. We ate what was rotten, [<-you can get rid of this comma] or what the richer people didn’t want, or [however], if you could afford weapons, you could hunt. That’s what I did.

Anyway, I continued to work until the Pax rounded us all up in lines and sent us back home. I walked the crowded streets until I reached the run down barn that belonged to my family. We were on the very edge of Messis surrounded by a forest of oaks, beach, pine, elm, hemlock, etc., with a soft blanket of moss. I loved the woods. I spent hours there with Cyrus, my brother, and Maxwell, hunting. We were allowed to, by the way. #0000ff ">You haven't given us anything to assume other wise so that last part was a little unneeded.

It was dark, so I fumbled for the door handle and finally it flung open. Flung the door handle open or the door itself? Only my father was there. My two brothers and sister worked at the farthest field away. My mother worked at a tailor’s shop, so she was always late for dinner [because she was stuck] fixing dresses or clothes. My dad looked exactly like my siblings, but my mom and I looked different than them. The rest of my family had strait blonde hair with green eyes. Is it important that the mother and your character look different from the rest of their family?

As soon as I walked inside, my father smiled and said

“Selina! How was your day?” Don't really need the exclamation mark. Also, tie this line in with the one previous of it.

“Sufficient.” I murmured, then I spoke loudly, “What’s for dinner?”

“Roasted rabbit and canned peaches. Set the table.”


I moved forward, careful to make no [as to not make a] sound, until I stepped on a particularly dry branch which snapped. The rabbit turned and darted into the brush. Where did this rabbit come from? Was your character hunting it? If so, I'd mention that, maybe like: 'the rabbit I eyeing turned and..." or what not. Also you should work on the transitions from one scene to another because it took me a hot second to realize that the scene had changed. I turned and head back to the tree fort. I swung my way up to the top, where Maxwell sat and cleaned[cleaning] a kill, a pheasant.

“Hey.” I said and sat awkwardly next to him.

“Hey. I’m just chilling. Did you kill anything?” he asked and putting the pheasant into a plastic bag to roast later.

“Uh… no. I nearly killed a rabbit but I stepped on a twig.” I admitted, feeling sort of useless because [since] Maxwell and Cyrus [managed to] killed one every day, at least. Killed one what, a rabbit? Also, place the "at least" before "one every day.

“Ah… the old twig got you again. Well, Selina, Cyrus already killed a rabbit and went out to kill another, probably. At least, you won’t die of starvation.” He said, pausing to place the plastic bag containing the pheasant into his game bag and continued, “The sacrifices are coming up…” You're getting a little excessive with all the ellipsis

That sentence surprised me. The people of Regnum generally avoided the topic, [S]of the sacrifices.
Every year, a three kids from a town (there are 14 towns and one town is picked each year) are sent to the emperor’s mansion, and what happens to them there is unknown, but whenever the people see the kids, they look worse and worse every time, but then they claim to support the emperor and everybody turns against them, and then they are flown over a forest and dropped into a the most dangerous forest of the world (known as the death forest) to die. Two things: one, everything I just bolded is one sentence. It's too long for just one sentence. Find a way to either shorten it, or break it into two sentences. Second, this is starting to sound a lot like hunger games. Be careful with that so you're not accused of taking ideas or what not. You also don't want your writing to sound super cliché. Why did the emperor do this? Well for one, it was to show his immense power, and two, he liked death. Period. That was the [point of the] sacrifices. I hadn’t had anyone I knew die in the sacrifices. But, sometimes you survived all this. People who had survived disappeared, and so did their families. Only one kid had ever survived in Messis. Arrow. Arrow was a young girl, back when the emperor was born. My mom new her well and was devastated when she was sacrificed, but befuddled when she survived and disappeared. So that was the sacrifices.
Again, you're starting to become a bit repetitive and the writing is starting to read more like an information dump.

[...]

“Yeah. Oh look!” Maxwell exclaimed and pointed at Cyrus, who carried a large buck with antlers the size as a longbow, as he walked down the trail leading to the tree house. I smiled. Deer were rare, and good for trading. I imagined the fresh vegetables and warm bread and [as] my mouth watered. Deer were valuable. Very valuable. We could keep some of the deer [it], and trade the rest for money, fruit andcomma vegetables, bread, and oil.

“Jackpot!” Maxwell whopped and Cyrus smiled. Don't need the exclamation mark.

[...]

“That is strange… most deer would be scared just by your face…”Again with the ellipsis, they're not needed and grammatically they're placed wrong. I said, smiling. He flushed bright red and Maxwell grabbed his game bag and began to help Cyrus [S]get out of the woods with the deer. I sat befuddled on the floor of the tree fort. Why did the deer bow?<- Is that a thought? If so you should italicize it.

It was dark, and the clanging of dinner pans woke me from my nap. Our house, like I said, was in a rundown old barn with two floors with a loft for storage. I slept in a bunk bed with my little sister, Gloria, which means little in Latin.Is it necessary for your readers to know what Gloria means in Latin? The bunk bed was rickety with a thread bare blanket over each bed [mattress]. A dresser held all of our clothes. I [also] had my own little desk with nick knacks from the woods. We had school twice a week, Thursday and Friday with a free day on Sunday. How does the days they have school and the days the have off tie in with the stuff in the room? Other than these things, our room was bare. We could barely afford anything. If you write it well enough, your readers will be able to come to their own conclusions that the family is poor. That and the fact that you have mentioned so in one form or another already.

I rolled off of the bottom bunk and opened the rickety door to see Cyrus stumbling out of my three brother’s the apostrophe would come after the 's' since you're talking about more then one person also add a semi-colon after room instead of the comma. room, Fortis, Cyrus, and Donavan. Cyrus was 16, but wasn’t my twin. Two things: one spell out the numbers and two, that whole "isn't my twin" thing is a bit confusing. How does that work? They're both sixteen but not twins, is one adopted? Cyrus saw me and waved groggily. He was exhausted, like me, from trekking around our town trading the deer. We got 50 coms (our form of currency), which was a great deal of money, a knife and acomma knife sharpener, a ½ gallon of oil, milk, spices, ham, butter, cheese, some vegetables and fruit along with a leg of the deer. Like I have said numerous times before, you need to write out the actual number [or in the case of the oil 'half'] instead of putting actual numbers/fractions in your story.

Cyrus and I walked down the steps to a delicious smelling kitchen. What steps? My father smiled as I walked through the door. I smelled venison steaks with mashed potatoes and spices like rosemary and thyme. Like rosemary and thyme or were they rosemary and thyme. Gloria pranced around my father, anxiously waiting for the steaks. His golden hair gleamed like wheat even through the dim kitchen. You should say 'my father's hair' instead of 'his golden hair' My mother, Opal, lay on the couch, sleeping away. Donavan was chopping wood to feed the fire, his face determined and strong. He was always the joker, but the hardest worker. He chopped wood, made the fire, fixed the house, and generally anything Fortis and Cyrus didn’t want to do. He is really popular at school, and has a lot of friends, unlike Cyrus and me.
Information dump.
When dinner was finally done, we all sat down to eat, even mother. Why wouldn't her mother eat? I understand that the mom doesn't make it to dinner a lot but we already know she was at the house so saying 'even mother' feels a little weird. Makes it sound like your character is saying, "even when mother is here she misses dinner, but this time she sat with us to eat." We ate in silence until my father piped up.

[...]

“There are over 12 million people in Messis, what are the chances anyone from our area will be picked?” My father finished. We all nodded, assured. Again, your writing is starting to sound a little to Hunger Games like.

One week later, we were heading to work. All the kids were tense, because the emperor sacrifices from an age group of 5-20 years old. And finally one of the Pax officers came over the announcement speakers. Find a better way of introducing this information.

“Hello, people of Messis.” He said in his normally bored voice, “today I will be announcing the three sacrifices. There are two boys, Andre Harvester and Cyrus Heroza. And we have one girl, Selina Heroza. All sacrifices go to the town hall. Thank you.” For something that seems so important/formal this announcement reads to be quite the opposite.

I stood there, rooted to the ground, a fresh peach clenched in one hand. I thought, this had to be a dream, but I had a feeling tears were coming down my face in hot, salty streams. Cyrus. Why my brother? Why do this, emperor? Italicize the thoughts. And also, why did they pick three kids from the same area? I knew Andre well. So, why does it matter that your character knew Andre well. I felt as though my life was gone. Aleria, a friend of mine, put her hand on my shoulder and whispered,

“Go. It’ll… be okay.”

Soon I was sitting in the wicker chair facing [S]a boy I knew from school, Andre Harvester. He was medium height, with short brownish reddish hair and blue eyes. He was good-looking, and many girls liked him, but he claimed not to like anyone. He worked in one of the factories, so he was covered in smoky residue and smelled like machinery. He was nice, and one of my friends (well, to be totally honest, I’d have to say I have a teensy crush on him).
[/S]

“So, Selina. How’s life?” Andre asked. He always said the right thing, and knew what to say when someone was sad. I don't see how asking someone about life is the right thing to say, especially in this sort of situation.

“Okay, up until [today]April 22nd, 2477.” I said, stating the date. He smiled.

In the room next to us, Cyrus was having an interview with some reporters. I listened to him answer silly questions like “what’s your favorite color” or something. I was thinking about why they would pick siblings, but it was [probably] to add drama.

Soon another reporter grabbed me by my shoulder and steered me into a bright room with huge windows and bright plants and cushions and a two large, soft chairs faced each other over a coffee table. Three cameras were set up, but the [and] reporter had two “preppies” as we would call them, put a light layer of makeup [on me] to hide my acne and imperfections. [Then] they tossed me a golden dress and did my hair in less than 10 minutes

The reporter was a short, pretty lady from the capitol of Regnum, Centre Ville. She had a peppy attitude and was sympathetic to me. Don't start a sentence with and, combine them or find a better beginning word. And as soon as the camera men said “action” she started the interview.

[...]

“No. Boys have always appealed as [seemed] unimportant. I really want to go now, are there any more questions?” I was growing impatient with Rhea.

“Um… well, that’s [those are] the only questions people have sent in today. Thank you for joining us and come back in fifteen minutes for an interview with Andre Harvester!”#0000ff "> You should make it clearer that with the last sentence she was talking to the people who watched the interview because of right now, it seems like she said that to your character instead.

Rhea finished and sent a dazzling smile at the camera and then the preppies grabbed me and undid my hair, put it in a ponytail, and gave me an oat colored sweater and jeans with leather boots to wear before I left Messis forever.

[...]



OVERVIEW:Ok, so I'm not going to do a line by line for the second chapter as the first one took me three hours alone. That said, I suggest you pay close attention.

show don't tell
Continuing with the most basic of advice, the one piece that everyone hears when they start writing, and even professional authors struggle with. This is the benchmark piece of writing advice that, if followed, will improve your writing tenfold. But what exactly does it mean?

Showing versus Telling has always seemed to me to be a matter of how you establish information. At it's basest level, you've shown information if the reader is able to interpret it themselves, but you've told information if you've established that information yourself by addressing the reader or through exposition.

Now, telling has it's place; the rule would be better titled "When to Show, When to Tell" since both are valid forms of information establishment and, as I'm about to argue, it's impossible to not tell at all.

But why is showing better than telling? Basically, it's more engaging. If the reader is coming to conclusions on their own, they are more involved with the text, which means they'll be more immersed. Telling, conversely, has about the same level of engagement that a history or science textbook might, and is half as interesting.

Another way of looking at it is the difference between visual and oral storytelling. A visual story, one that you read, relies moreso on showing to be good. There's time and room to let the reader come to their own conclusions, and that's part of the fun. An oral tale, on the other hand, will be shorter and more direct--whether it's a fable or a joke you're telling at school--so you have to tell a few things. That's why fairy tales, their origins in oral tradition and emerging from an era where telling was the preferred mode, tend to tell more than show--we're told someone is a virtuous beautiful princess because there's no time to show us through other actions, and that'd be boring anyway.

You also risk getting into As You Know territory, which is where one character delivers exposition to another character that both characters are obviously already aware of, [or in your case, your reader delivers to the readers] and its only purpose is to fill the reader in on that exposition. This is clumsy writing, and looks rather ridiculous. There's also just less engagement to turning the telling into an exact dialogue quote, rather than something more interesting like the first example, so you should try and be a bit more creative with it.

There are some things you'll want to tell. Maybe it's a passage of time you want to skip over, or an unimportant detail that would only kill the pacing of your story if you included it. In these moments, it's perfectly fine to go into telling.

So, on a scene level, you need to decide what you're going to show as a scene and what you can just skip over, with exposition or not. This is where you have to have skill--you need to decide what you want to accomplish in a scene, and what you can accomplish in a scene, and what you can cram in there to keep the story moving, develop character, and keep the reader hooked all at the same time.

On a sentence-by-sentence level, you should probably be aiming for showing any time you can. One helpful tip is to look for the word "was" if you're writing in past tense, or "is" if you're writing in present tense. These, such as with the example above, often lead to instances of telling, so keep an eye out.

Really, the only way to catch all instances of telling is to comb your writing line-by-line, word-by-word and deciding how exactly you're going about establishing information. It is, unfortunately, one of those problems that you can only really solve with awareness. Learn how to distinguish showing against telling, and then recognize that in your own writing.

Be active not passive
Another big piece of advice that many writers, new and established, have trouble with is writing in the active voice over the passive voice. For a quick rundown: active voice is when the noun is performing an action, whereas passive voice is when the noun is having an action performed to it. For example:

I kicked the ball
The ball was kicked


The former is active voice, and the latter is passive. A good rule of thumb: if you have to include the word "by" to clarify who's doing the action ("the ball was kicked by me") then you're in passive voice (although that doesn't completely cover the passive voice).

Passive voice does have its uses, but generally speaking active voice is far more readable. It's more engaging, less wordy, tighter, and, as the name suggests, more active. In the
current age of English literature, active voice reigns supreme.

Modifiers
Modifiers are, most commonly, adjectives and adverbs that are used attributively. This means words that alter the understanding of a noun (adjectives) or a verb (adverbs).

For example:
Bob threw the green dart.

Bob quickly threw the dart.


In the first example, "green" is an adjective because it modifies the noun "dart." If you cut "green" the sentence would read "Bob threw the dart" and still be grammatically correct.
In the second example, "quickly" is an adverb because it modifies the verb "threw." If you cut "quickly" the sentence would read "Bob threw the dart" and still be grammatically correct.

Note that attributive modifiers are different from ones used predicatively, such as:

The dart is green.


Although "green" is technically a modifier in this instance, cutting it would leave behind an incomplete sentence and is not what I'm going to be talking about here.

Modifiers are, generally speaking, very excessive, and should be used sparingly. Using too many can make your prose purple and thick, and bring the pacing of your story to a grinding halt. Often, modifiers come across as self-indulgent, as the writer is choosing to show off their vocabulary (which is ironic, as a reliance on modifiers usually comes from a limited vocabulary) rather than telling the story in the best way they can. Let's see the rest of the example:

Bob quickly threw the green dart at the big dart board. It firmly stuck into the large board and Bob cheered loudly. He walked pompously to the dart board and easily pulled his green dart out of the cork board. The other player glumly stared with his arms crossed.


That's a lot just to say Bob threw a dart and made a good shot. We can identify the modifiers because they're the ones we could cut without losing much meaning in the sentence. Adverbs can be spotted often by looking for words that end in "-ly." If we cut the modifiers, this is what we get:

Bob threw the dart at the board. It stuck in the board and Bob cheered. He walked to the board and pulled his dart out. The other player stared.
Note: I cut "with his arms crossed" because this is a prepositional modifier.


Now, cutting the modifiers usually won't be enough. If you do that, you'll probably be left with language that feels stiff or mechanical. With adverbs, the better path is often to find a stronger verb that encompasses the action and the modifier itself. For example, we could change "quickly threw" to something like "shot," or "walked pompously" to "strutted." Other adverbs we cut because they were redundant, such as "cheered loudly." Adjectives you can get away with more, since you can't really replace a noun with a stronger noun that encompasses the modifier, but you should still use them sparingly. I like to refer to modifiers as a spice in a dish: The right amount gives you a nice kick, but too much and it's all you can taste.

Here's what this example looks like after the modifiers have been cut or changed:

Bob shot the dart at the dart board. It stuck into the board and Bob cheered. He strutted to the board and yanked his green dart out. The other player scowled, his arms crossed.


This does a good job of balancing the two extremes: it's not so weighed down by modifiers that it's impossible to read through it, but it isn't so dry and lifeless that it's boring either.

There's also a risk of ambiguity in the passive voice. Take the previous example, which doesn't specify who kicked the ball. Without adding "by me" the reader has no way of knowing, and if the reader gets confused they won't like the story they're reading. You might think no one could possibly make that mistake, but you'd be surprised.

Fortunately, changing passive to active voice can be fairly easy, as long as you can recognize it. Since this is exclusively a sentence-by-sentence issue, you shouldn't have to rewrite whole scenes just to correct it.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
Other then all that, I think I covered a lot in the line by line. I hope I didn't come off as to harsh. Good luck and continue writing. If you have any questions feel free to ask.





I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara