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Young Writers Society



Still Stone - two. (part one.)

by GoldenQuill


two. swords and sunrises.

The sun is not yet a thought — for now, the world is still and sleepy. Humidity plagues the night and whispers through window ways, prickling skin. Heat is like a blanket pressed hard against sleeping faces.

Though the world is motionless and, most likely, the guards on duty are sleeping in their helmets, there is one completely awake soul. She lays under blankets the fabric of which she’d previously never even had the privilege of touching upon mattresses softer than freshly dewed grass. She is smiling. Of course she is — she’s about to start a new chapter of her life.

That is how Azalee of Dune is choosing to see this. A new chapter. She repeats those words to herself, in her head, over and over. This isn’t sad. This isn’t desolate. This is exciting. The turning over of a new leaf. The beginning of a new existence.

Just a day earlier, Azalee had been cleared by The Association. She and Matka had been packed into a small, wooden room full of tables and ancient scrolls that felt damp and crowded, even with only four people. It had been strange to see magic that she was expected to accept, and not fight against, but, in true Azalee fashion, she had only smiled and treated them with the highest politeness and care. There had been muttered incantations — hours of questioning which Azalee complied with with her largest grin. Azalee hadn’t been told the outcome immediately, but by the scowl on Matka’s face, she had assumed she had passed.

They had returned to the castle at dinnertime, and thus, decided to speak to the Queen’s Maidens then. The room was as gray and dark as the rest of the castle, and Azalee and Matka had stood on one of the wooden tables stretched along the floor that hadn’t been occupied with cloths full of food to announce Azalee’s candidacy. They had been met with only scowls, but no one wished for the job more. Azalee was then shown the locations of the wells, and led to her own quarters and given her instructions for the morning.

Though the interim queen’s handmaiden is not due to show Azalee how the job works until the sun rises, Azalee feels more awake than she has in years. She lays in anticipation of the morning, heart hammering, speeding, crawling into her throat. She feels as if she cannot properly breathe.

It is nerves, she convinces herself, pressing her quivering hands against her gasping chest. I am just nervous.

Of course, Azalee has never done anything like this in her life. She can smile and stand tall all she wants, but in her heart lives doubt, just as any living creature.

Only one thing has ever been able to satiate her fear and uneasiness. Only one thing has ever brought comfort to shaking skin. Azalee hardly recognizes what she’s doing as she stands and changes — into long leather pants, a puffed white shirt with ties crossing over the front, and dark brown boots that finish lacing over her shin. Two knives are stowed in her boots, her twin swords again in her sheath, and before she knows it, she’s already stepping out of her assigned room and bathing in moonlight. The courtyard has to be somewhere nearby, correct? Soldiers must be able to train within castle walls…

In fact, the courtyard appears to be the center of the entire castle — a large, empty grassy plain full of dummies made of flour and rice bags. Azalee is about to pull her swords from their sheaths when she spies wooden swords resting on display a few feet away. She notices that the damage done to the dummies appears to be caused by a very blunt weapon, and thus, quickly levies two of the pieces of wood towards her target. She can tell they are well-worn and, thus, weaker for it — there are notches and fractures splayed across the boards. Against a sword of metal, perhaps they would not survive — but for sacks of rice, they should fare well enough.

The left weapon rests horizontally, while the right is raised higher, vertically. Azalee strikes first from the bottom, then slashes from the top, before switching positions with her hands. Bottom, top, bottom, top. Deflect the beginning blow, look for an opening. Wrists bend as wood thumps rhythmically. If she follows the momentum of her body, she can spin and levy a blow with considerable power — but it leaves her back open for a moment. No matter; if her blades had been made of metal and not timber, she would have taken the head off of her sack opponent.

She repeats the moves — down, up, up, down, down, up, up, down. Azalee's curls dance and bob through the air, the section obscuring her vision in no way obscuring her accuracy. She feels herself begin to perspire in the muggy night. As she spins for the third or fourth time, imagining separating the rice’s head from its body, she hears a voice.

“Not bad. But how would you do against a living one?”

The words startle her slightly — in the damp darkness comes a deep voice. A figure approaches her in the night — a tall, well-built male. As he steps nearer, holding a sword of steel on his shoulder and a shield in front of him, she can just make out the outline of his armor.

“Oh — I am not an enemy.” She flashes her palms at him, but does not release the wooden handles. “I am Our Majesty’s new handmaiden.”

“If you were an enemy, I would not give you a choice.” A slight pause as he considers something — his guard never once relaxes. “Handmaiden? Does that mean you do not fight?”

Azalee has never backed down from a challenge — even a subtle, veiled one. Her smile shines even in complete darkness. “Why do you not come and find out, soldier?”

She cannot see his face beneath his helmet, but can almost hear the slight, sarcastic simper that’s surely creasing the corners of his visage. He raises a sword and a large, rectangular shaped shield towards her as she returns to her original fighting stance. Legs shoulder-width apart. Knees bent as she bounces, slightly, in anticipation. His is somewhat similar, but even with his shield, Azalee can already see openings.

Azalee is used to fighting at night, but never against a knight. His opening stance, like a first impression may set a tone for a friendship, seems to automatically spell the outcome of this fight to her — and her cheeks dimple.

Her right hand strikes high, and his shield chases it — with her left she swings downward, expecting to catch his midsection. When she’s greeted by his sword, she’s pleasantly surprised, even as he cuts her wooden sword into a dagger. It doesn’t matter — as he’s working on besting her there, she spins around his backside, laying her back near his, swinging her right arm with power as she tingsthe back of his armor. “Slash!” she calls, at the stab. In an immediate reaction, his back comes colliding with hers, lifting her off of her feet with his brute force and sending her to the ground. Azalee tucks her head and lands on her back with a soft oof, rolling onto her feet in a crouched position. She anticipates and sees his next move, because as she turns to face him, she throws her right sword around the left side of her body, catching his sword. With another soft chipat their meeting, she loses her second sword — now two wooden daggers is all she has left. Thankfully, the force of his swing has given his heavier sword momentum — it begins to slide down for a moment. Azalee sends her left dagger to his sword, pushing it further downwards to pull him, and stabs upwards with her right dagger. He, apparently, had forgotten that she was still beneath him — while his shield would have protected him if she had been standing strong once again, it only hit her arm belatedly as the tip of her broken sword collided with the front of his armor again. “Stab!” she calls, tapping it once, and then drags it lightly along the breastplate. “Slaaaaash. And you are dead! One, time to run, two and you’re through.”

With this, the man above her relaxes — with a sching, he returns his sword to its sheath and reaches out a hand to Azalee. “Well met.”

As he pulls her to her feet, he removes his helmet — long, dark, straight hair falls over his shoulders. Even in the darkness, Azalee can see the glittering black of his eyes. His skin is more red than hers, yet still dark, as is all those she has encountered thus far.

Azalee grins her customary smile as she passes her wooden daggers to her left hand and wipes dirt off of her pants — she stares up at the huge figure above her. He seems to tower downwards, and age is mentioned by the stubble on his chin. “Well met,” she replies, cheerful. “I am Azalee, of Dune.” And with that, her body bows over.

“Dune? You’re a Pruding person.”

“Indeed!” She straightens up in excitement, beaming. “Have you had much experience with Pruding?”

“Experience?” His thin lips press into a smile that seems to always appear sardonic — his lips are long and straight and only crease upwards at the end. “I’m from Stribling.”

“You are kidding!” Her right hand closes over the fisted one, still holding the daggers — she leans forward with eyes sparkling and bright. “What are you doing all the way out here?”

“I could ask of you the same.” He hesitates as if considering, tilting his head slightly, then releases, “I came to join the guard when I was younger. Did I mishear you earlier? You’ve just bested me, and yet you’re here to be a handmaiden?”

Azalee almost feels like telling him that it was easy, with all of his openings, but she decides to focus on the positives of his fighting. “I served as head guard in Dune. Still, you surprised me. You looked like you would go down easier than you did.”

“I never go down without a fight, Miss Azalee.” He holds out the hand with which he fought, and Azalee clasps it as he says, “Mirtus.”

It’s a strong name, Azalee thinks — and with the grip on forearm now, she can feel the strength within it and within him. His personality and care is warm, but still somewhat reserved and dignified. Instantly, she’s reminded of an ancient forest, lost and mysterious, but bathing in early morning glow. Azalee cannot help but smile.

“I believe I am owed an answer. You’re here to be a handmaiden?”

“Well, yes, I…” Azalee releases his arm, smiles a bit embarrassedly. She can feel the heat of the night so much stronger now, after the exertion, after the fight. Fingers play with splinters on the edge of her wooden daggers. The water lingering in the air seems to close a dark hole around her, threatening to swallow her. Her fingers itch at the curls on her neck. “I… well…”

She cuts off, for there’s a sound that calls both of their attention — something dragging on the ground. As trained fighters, even the quietest unplanned noise is cause enough for pause — both of them face the movement in the dark. Anxiety falls away and is replaced by focus. Anything can be sinister in night when not lit with torches, and so Azalee’s grip tightens on the wooden daggers. She’s considering how best to draw her weapons without frightening Mirtus when she hears him sigh in relief — apparently already discovering what it is making the noise. Her guard does not fall as he leaves her side and moves towards the noise.

“For Samaqus’ sake,” she hears him say, and then hears metal clinking on metal — Mirtus has slung his arm over the moving figure and pulled him closer. “You’ve nearly ended my life in panic.”

Out from the dark comes a soft grumble that turns into a yawn. At the sound, Azalee immediately smiles, sees the figure that is drawing closer is dressed as a guard.

The new person’s voice is soft, but strangely jumbled, almost muffled in exhaustion. “Right, right, because it’s such a secret that I’m out here sleeping, eh?”

The shape of the armor dictates he’s shorter and less muscular than Mirtus, and his helmet is already removed — he has short, bushy curls that seem to obscure most of his round and soft face. His eyes appear lighter and bigger than Mirtus’.

“Speakin’ of it,” continues his voice, softly, “dawn's on her way. Where’ya gone? You were supposed to take my —”

Azalee is still taking him in, listening to his words, when her eyes slip down to his shoulders and she interrupts him in a cry of, “That’s mine!”

The person Azalee does not yet know jumps — as if just realizing he is in the presence of someone else. There’s a pause where the shorter one stares at her, mouth slightly agape in surprise, while Mirtus tilts his head, his eyes attempting to analyze her as if her face will give more meaning to her words. “I believe you are mistaken, Azalee,” Mirtus speaks. “Selam is mine.”

“No, I — ” Azalee dissolves into momentarily laughter, free hand grasping her lips as she giggles almost uncontrollably. “Not the man, the coat!”

For on this Selam’s back is, tied carefully, a soft gray cape with a hood.

“Oh.” Languidly, Selam pulls at the cape — his hands are giant and lack any fine motor, as if sleepy and confused. “Is it, now? I found it on me a few mornings ago… thought an angel must have left it.”

“Not quite.” Azalee beams, as per usual, hands twisting behind her back as she smiles. “You were so peacefully asleep when I saw you on the guard, I thought I could lend you my coat to keep you warm.”

Something changes after these words that Azalee had not anticipated. Almost automatically, Mirtus bristles — it seems almost uncharacteristic as his dark eyes narrow further and he releases Selam’s arm, stepping in front of him. “Mirtus…” Selam mumbles, voice both exasperated and tired, apparently understanding that which Azalee does not yet, as Mirtus places his figure in front of Selam and faces her.

“Are you meaning to accuse my partner of sleeping on the job? You must know what a dire offense such is. I will fight for his honor!”

Azalee pauses, momentarily, mouth slightly agape. Fear and embarrassment fight for a title roll in her mind. She considers, briefly, reminding him that she had just bested him — instead, she offers a helpless, embarrassed smile that almost appears as a grimace. “Ah… I — did not mean to — I… merely…”

“Ah, give it a rest,” Selam interjects, tapping the other on his shoulder. “It’s not no secret I sleep every spare moment.” Fingers move to untie the coat from his back. “Just give her what she wants, yeah?”

“No. Stay right where you are. We don’t know who she is, Selam.”

True — Azalee herself is armed, and can make fast work of the suddenly threatening man in front of her, but she has already categorized him as friend — she does not want to change that designation based on miscommunication. “I am from Dune, Mirtus,” she reminds, gently, dropping the wooden daggers and holding her hands up even as she falls into fighting stance. “I did not realize in the city it is such a huge offense to leave one sleeping. Check the front pocket of the cape — I have a written report of my strengths for potential employment opportunities. It is all as it appears.”

For a moment, there is no movement — finally, breaking the silence, Selam begins to make noises of crinkling paper and fumbling. Azalee suddenly notices how round and boyish his face appears. After a few soft curses, Selam narrows his eyes, staring at the paper sleepily, before mumbling, “Uh… Az… uh-lee?”

“Right!” She smiles, eyes following the pages as Mirtus rips them from his mate’s hands and reads them himself. His black eyes glitter, and his face looks much more gaunt and severe than originally realized — after reading them over once, he leans forward, allowing shadows to shade his expression. Wordless, he offers them to her and Selam throws her the already removed cape. She catches them both and she beams back.

“We’re sorry,” Selam says, standing tall to reach as he instantly drapes his arms over Mirtus and nudges him in a way that appears meaningful. It takes a few seconds, but Mirtus seemingly shakes distrust from his figure — after a single shudder, he stands up straighter, and his serious face stares at her with a glitter of apology in his dark eyes.

“Yes, we are. I did not mean to automatically distrust you, Azalee.”

“No, no.” As she rolls up her papers, Azalee offers another gentle smile, eyes squeezed shut. The anxiety of the situation is thawing from her heart at their rueful reparations. Her cape is retied around her neck, heavy with humidity and the warmth of Selam’s body, as she speaks. “I understand. No need for apologies, my friends.”

At the word ‘friends’, both Selam and Mirtus smile. Azalee is studying their faces again, wondering why facial features that were lost to her only minutes before seem sharp and clear now, when she hears a squeal behind her.

PART TWO


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Sat Mar 04, 2017 11:19 pm
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shima wrote a review...



Shima here once more, ready for a review.


Once again - this is fantastic. Great stuff. The introduction of two extra characters didn't feel rushed or forced, which is always a good thing. The description of the battle sequence was great and really pleasant to read, which I think could be a difficult thing. The tone with which you have described their battle and the way the met was very funny and nice to read.

The general giddy excitement that the main character had in the last chapter is followed up quite nice in this one, kudos on that. She seems so happy that she got a place as a handmaiden in this castle, which feels really good and...happy, for lack of a better word right now. It is great, anyway. The prose, once again, feels very fluid and free, what means that you have a very good grip on the way and the manner in which one should write. This means you have some experience in writing and that makes your stories pleasant to read.

It looks like your main character has made some new acquaintances, which is amusing. I really hope we will hear more about them in the future.

The descriptions were, once more, great and really nice to read. The character feels really alive, a person made from real flesh and blood, someone who is actually near to you and someone you know really well, as a friend.

I believe that that is something that is very difficult to get across in books, mostly in the two first chapters. It is a signal that we are working with a great writer, which is what you clearly are.

Really awesome.

Loved these 1 and a half chapters. Hoping that the rest would be just as great as these ones.




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Sun Feb 26, 2017 12:21 am
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inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, GoldenQuill! Storm here to do a review (because Crimson suggested it when I asked for requests, so thank him for this review, not me.) So let's jump right into this.

That is how Azalee of Dune is choosing to see this.

You seem to use the pattern of 'is' and then a verb ending in 'ing'. I don't know if this just me or if this bothers other people too, but I'm not a fan of this. I just wanted to point that out because it bothered me.

It had been strange to see magic that she was expected to accept, and not fight against, but, in true Azalee fashion, she had only smiled and treated them with the highest politeness and care.

Show, don't tell is what they always say (and when I say they, I include myself) and for good reason. It's always more engaging for the reader if you just give a few hints and they are able to make their own conclusions. You aren't doing that here. You just told us that she smiled and was polite when you could have revealed that aspect of her personality in a much more interesting, impactful way.

occupied with cloths full of food to announce Azalee’s candidacy.

Cloths full of food? This doesn't really make sense.

The left weapon rests horizontally, while the right is raised higher, vertically. Azalee strikes first from the bottom, then slashes from the top, before switching positions with her hands. Bottom, top, bottom, top. Deflect the beginning blow, look for an opening. Wrists bend as wood thumps rhythmically. If she follows the momentum of her body, she can spin and levy a blow with considerable power — but it leaves her back open for a moment. No matter; if her blades had been made of metal and not timber, she would have taken the head off of her sack opponent.

You write in present tense, which lends an immediacy to your writing, but that still doesn't make it more fast paced. This scene drags out when it really should be moving quickly. I have two suggestions to make action scenes like this more fast paced. First off, use simple words. Long, complicated words and flowery language slow down the reader. Secondly, short, snappy paragraphs are great too.

“If you were an enemy, I would not give you a choice.” A slight pause as he considers something — his guard never once relaxes. “Handmaiden? Does that mean you do not fight?”

For some reason, it feels like you drag out interactions. It seems to take you a long time that he was thinking, but was still guarded. This applies to all of your writing in general, everything takes longer than it needs to. You use long descriptions when a short one will do. When/if you edit this, I think you'll have a lot of scenes that you may want to consider shortening.

long, dark, straight hair falls over his shoulders.

List alert! You use a lot of lists when you describe things. Every other aspect of your descriptive skills seems to be well developed and extremely good, but you still use lists. My best tip: don't. Try to avoid laundry lists of traits, they're boring and there are better ways to incorporate description into your writing.

Overall, this was great. It's plain to see that your writing has been cultivated for a long time. For the most part, your description is amazing, though do be careful of those lists. Also be careful of the is + ing pattern that you're using, it gets old very quickly. I'd love for this to focus more on your characters. I think you have a pretty interesting cast so far, and I'd like to see them interact with each other more. Interaction with other people is a very good way to quickly showcase your characters' personalities. I think I've covered everything I want to, so just ask if you have any questions or need clarification on anything.

~Storm




GoldenQuill says...


Thank you so much for your review!



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Thu Feb 23, 2017 5:09 am
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jimss23 wrote a review...



Jimss here

Heya Quill. Mind if I do a review?

Disclaimer: You know the routine. Here for your work not for you and so on.

Let's get into it.

I'll start with some overall stuff.

1) Not gonna lie to ya Quill, there were some parts of this that were very confusing. Some of your phrasings left me scratching my head.

2) So, your tenses are a little out of wack. The way you're telling this story, it just doesn't seem right to say, "Azalee is studying" or "Azalee offers" rather "Azalee studied" or "Azalee offered."
Also, a lot of instances where you used "is" is better replaced by "was". Present tense (I think that's what you call it) it ok for internal monolouges, but it feels disjointed here. It feels like your speaking in first person, but writing in third. (I think)

3) Your fight scene. It is highly unbelievable. (Rant Coming)

This is probably sound overly critical, but there is no way a young girl wielding two wooden swords with no armor is going to best a knight in full plate armor with a sword and shield. The knight would simply throw one strike at her head, split her wooden swords and cleave her in two. Also, he has a dozen other ways to take her down long before she could even get close, like shield bashing. Furthermore, it is near impossible to get behind someone in a fight. I have been boxing for many years and I can say from personal experience, you just can't. Swords can't penetrate plate armor very well, so even if she was to get behind him with a real blade, she would have to get so close it would be useless. Her attack would simply bounce off his armor and he would, again, cleave her in two. Wood does not slice off as well as you are depicting. It shatters when placed under enough force. She wouldn't get daggers, she would get splinters. Two handed fighting techniques with equal sized blades is really, really hard. Miyamoto Musashi, arguably the greatest swordsman to ever live, spent his entire life developing the technique. Fighting with one sword and a parrying dagger was much more common.
What I'm saying is, that there is no way any of this makes sense in reality. I love medieval combat, have for a long time. One thing I've learned that combat back then was brutal and short. If you didn't wear some kind of armor, you died. If you didn't have a shield and your opponent did, you were dead. Doesn't matter how skilled you are, you would have to be a demigod to win as you're depicting.

Whew, ok, that was probably obnoxious, but it was one of the major things that stood out to me. I am drawn to action scenes.

So, how to fix it. Some suggestions.
Don't have him have armor on. Knights don't usually walk around in full armor. Have him be in a robe or something made of cloth. That was more common for knights in court.
Drop the shield and leave the one handed sword.
She should be reactive as opposed to proactive. She needs to react to what he does, not attack first. A parry and then a strike is much more effective when you are likely to be outmatched one on one.
If you want to keep the wooden swords, that's ok. But know that one good, direct strike and they are gone. (Also, wood is better at deflecting swords than one might think.)

Now that we have covered the overall stuff, some more specific stuff.

4) "The sun is not yet a thought -- for now, the world is still and sleepy. Humidity plagues the night and whispers through window ways, prickling skin. Heat is like a blanket pressed hard against sleeping faces."

All the "is" here should be "was". "the" before "heat" and cut "like".

5) "It had been strange to see magic that she was expected to accept, and not fight against, but,"

Doesn't make a lot of sense, and is really important, as it introduces magic.

6) "They had returned to the castle at dinnertime, and thus, decided to speak to"
I think the "thus" is a little unnecessary. There were a lot of sentences that mimicked this general pattern, and they just didn't seem to sound right to me. Simplicity is a virtue.

7) " full of food to announce Azalee’s candidacy. They had been met with only scowls"

I think you need to make it more clear as to why this position draws so much I'll will. Handmaiden to the Queen sounds pretty sweet, but I can tell there is something more nefarious going on here, but I just don't quite have a handle on what. Even with reading the other chapter, it is a little hard to tell just exactly what it is that makes this job so unpleasant. (But that could just be me)

8 ) "Of course, Azalee has never done anything like this in her life."

"of course" is redundant and breaks the fourth wall a little.

"The courtyard has to be somewhere nearby, correct?"

Sorta breaks the fourth wall here too.

9) "made of flour and rice bags"

Do these bags have flour in them? If so, one bad hit and POOF, White Christmas. Just having rice bags would be sufficient.

10) "living one"

Try something like "a real opponent". Otherwise, it sounds like he is talking about a living dummy. (which would absolutely terrifying, but that's just me)

11) "“For Samaqus’ sake,” she hears him say,"
So, he just says it right? I mean, we can assume she heard him say it if he said it. (nit-picky I know, but just saying)

12) "“Are you meaning to accuse my partner of sleeping on the job? You must know what a dire offense such is. I will fight for his honor!”"

His partner is not his lady fair. He would not need to defend his honor. He would most likely chastise the guard for being negligent. (In old medieval times, they would put guard who slept in pillories. Ouch)

That's it for this review, me thinks.

Good work and a good continuation of the first chapter.

Ah, so, I'm not exactly great at compliments and stuff, so when I criticize, know that I do it out of sheer and total respect. This work has a lot of potential. Keep it up!

Cheers,

Jimss




GoldenQuill says...


Yooooo, Jimss! Hope all is well with you! I thought I'd reply to this review a bit! I usually don't, at least not too much, but I thought maybe a little clarity on my part might bring some more refined points to your review, and I can work on it!

I think it's awesome how we have such vast differences in writing. (I think you'd like my first book better than this, because it's much less descriptive.) Most of your comments were on things that I didn't reveal yet or stylistic differences, so I won't comment on that, but I did want to comment on a few things.

1. Mirtus and Azalee were play-fighting. This is the biggest thing you need to know. They were not actually trying to kill each other, but they were having fun.
Azalee is the faster fighter. She's shorter (as a person), quicker, and has been fighting way, way, WAY longer than Mirtus has. Even though she has wooden swords, there's no way she's out matched. As she is a fast fighter, as soon as she sizes up his openings, she strikes -- and immediately begins to attempt to distract him so she can hit him. (This is also something she learned from having enemies that were always on the offensive -- if they so much as paused to blink, she'd hit them.)
Mirtus is much less of a mobile fighter (as in, Azalee moves almost all the time when fighting), but his strikes are very powerful. Were he to raise the sword over his head to "cleave her down", she would've dodged easily and ran around him, stabbing the many openings around him that his shield can't cover.
Azalee's swords do turn into piles of splinters, but again, this isn't a real fight, so it doesn't need to be actually sharp or able to pierce through anything. Me calling them "daggers" was merely me explaining their length and how she was using them, now. I'll make that more clear.
I do know that one good, direct hit makes the wooden swords gone (which is why that actually happened in the chapter).
I specifically made the fight short, knowing it wouldn't have lasted long in medieval times.
With all this in mind, I'd still like to make the fight as realistic as possible. We can talk more about it, but I've been working hard on it. (I've actually play-acted it with multiple people and real swords many times, just to see. Unfortunately, I am way slower than Azalee is written, but it does map out, at least physically.)

I also wanted to touch that this isn't medieval times. Well, it is, I guess. Kind of. This isn't "Earth's medieval period", it's a period that sounds and looks similar. (Spoiler alert: this isn't even on Earth.) Some things may happen that you're like, "Hey, that's not how they would've done it in medieval times!", and that's fine. It's not medieval times. Feel free to reference, relate, or ask why something is different here, potentially, then you may think, but I thought it may be important for you to know this.

This book is also written in present tense. A lot of people don't write about "olden times" in present tense, so I thought it'd be interesting to do something new. That's it. Technically, it's completely grammatically correct, and there are other books written in present tense. I may change it in the future, but for now, I think it works with the overall vibe of the story. Azalee's life only advances as you read it. I appreciate that.
Also, a quick add-on, make no mistake: just because the book is in third person, doesn't mean it isn't from Azalee's perspective. We are experiencing it through her eyes.

And a final note on Mirtus and Selam -- Selam is kind of his lady fair. As indicated throughout the chapter, Selam is Mirtus' partner. Not, like, dancing partner or fighting partner. They're boyfriends. Mirtus is more of the protective one, and that is how we ended up at this scene.

Thank you so much for your review! I hope none of this came off as, "Yeah, but..." I genuinely just wanted to explain better over here so that reviews could be more directional and we could be on the same page. Thank you so much for everything! And we really need to talk about that fight scene. I want to get it right.

Thank you again!



jimss23 says...


Jimss here

Hey, Quill!

About the present tenses, you are completely right. That is your style, and I probably should not have spent so much time on that. (I mean you write my reviews, so I know you got this grammar thing down) I think the reason why it felt weird was that I had never read a work written this way, so it just felt different, ya know? Keep it. Sorry about all that.

About that little rant there. I really like action scenes, writing them, reading them, or what have you. SO, very often the fight scenes in a story are what draws my attention. I also know quite a bit about fighting, as combat sports are my thing. That means that I can be super critical of fight scenes. (My parents won't even watch action movies with me anymore because all I do is explain the finer points of fighting). I don't do just to disparage you or your work. (Although it sure can come out that way)

Let me clarify. I am sorry for going that in depth. Your fight scene, with few minor revisions, definitely works in a fantasy tale. I mean, that's what fantasy is for. Fantasy is full of fight scenes that may skirt line as to what is realistic. I think it depends on what you are going for. If you are trying to write a tale with flowing, elegant fighting sequences, (and I believe you are), then your fight is good. Most fantasy stories use these. My comments would be more useful if you were writing something like Game of Thrones. Sorry about that. I probably got a little bit carried away there. If you are trying to be more realistic with your fight scenes, then let me know, and I can offer some suggestions.

Everything is purely your discretion, but I ask that you take two points under consideration as they are small, but I believe they really could help the scene.

I would put the knight in chainmail. Chainmail is still armor, so you get the helmet and everything, and it still makes him slow, and full plate armor is a little excessive. It is overkill in any situation outside of full-scale war. Other suggestion is to have his armor be a mix. Say a metal breastplate and arm guards, then rest chainmail. Leather also is good armor too.

The shield. You need to talk about how large it is. Some shields are so large and long that it is nearly impossible to get around them. Other shields, like bucklers, are small. A large shield would make many of the movements you describe just plain impossible. I think you were thinking of a smaller shield, one of those you see on knights in movies and stuff, but even a brief description might help improve the imagery of the fight.

Ok, I've rambled on long enough.

Hope some of this helped. Let me know if you want more help with the fight scene.

Cheers,

Jimss



GoldenQuill says...


Hey Jimss!
Thanks for your clarification. I haven't gotten to fully read and process everything you wrote, but I quickly did want to say you have nothing to apologize for. I just wanted to shed some light and perspective so we can better edit and fix it. I want this to be the best it can be!
That being said, I'm totally going to edit it later, and I'll talk to you more about it soon.

Thank you!




¯\_(ツ)_/¯
— Someone Incredibly Noncommittal