“What are you doing?!” Every word is enunciated clearly, sharply, anger fueling a soft, high tone. There, behind Azalee and before Selam and Mirtus, stands a thin woman, long hair tied behind her face in a braid. Her eyes are long and large, but squinted in anger, look sharp and surprised. Her tan face holds thin lips that curve upwards with no Cupid’s bow, and high cheekbones jar out of her long face, making her appear automatically more hostile than she may have otherwise.
Azalee realizes, as she takes her in, how clearly she can see her, and only then remembers Selam’s earlier comments about dawn appearing soon. Eyes glance up at a sky that has turned light blue, surprised she had not noticed the lightening of the sky earlier.
Her eyes move back to the woman who has just appeared — it must be a morning for apologies, for Azalee seems to be glowing with them. She bows, gently, and smiles upwards at her.
“I am sorry — do I know you?”
“You’re late!” The other seems to dismiss her comments, sputtering at her bowing in confusion. “Wh—why are you out here with the guards? What is that you’re wearing?” Distaste eats at her every comment. “You’re late!”
“I am late for…?”
Her face seems to explode red at the four words. Fingers clench and her body goes rigid, mouth twisted as if to keep her anger from spilling through the seems of her body. “Hello? For your job!”
“Job? — Job!” At this, Azalee smiles, sliding her scrolls back into their pouch and pulling her curls away from her damp skin. “You must be the interim handmaiden!”
“And you’re late, your first day.” A single bony finger looms towards Azalee. “Don’t make Matka regret this.” Black eyes turn on Mirtus and Selam, and her expression hardens further. “Don’t you two have a door to watch?”
Selam’s face has gone somewhat pale, but Mirtus gives her the cocky smirk that seems to settle on his visage naturally. “Always a pleasure to see you too.”
His words are returned with a glare — for a moment, she opens her mouth, as if contemplating saying something, before she shakes it off and turns to Azalee.
“Are you coming or not? The longer the wait, the less food you’ll be getting.”
“Right! Of course! Coming!” Anticipation automatically and immediately swells in Azalee’s chest — she turns to Selam and Mirtus with a beam brimming of excitement and curiosity of her new life. Both of the men seem to automatically smile at her boundless joy and energy — as the morning sun begins to shine over the protective walls of the castle, she is haloed in the morning light, and her tangled, tantalizing curls glow gold and shine with her smile.
“Well met. I hope to meet you again soon.”
“You can count on it, Azalee.” Mirtus nods, and Selam smiles sheepishly, leaning against his partner.
“Thanks fer the coat the other day!” he calls as she bows, and then turns towards the impatient handmaiden.
“Lead the way!” she declares. “By the by, I do not believe we have been properly acquainted yet. I am Azalee of — ”
“Hurry up. You’re already late.” The warmth of Azalee seems to be immediately deterred and pushed away by the bitter winter of the other woman — black eyes search the ground as she forges forward, and though Azalee feels the sting of the cold in her heart, she does not allow her smile to falter as she follows the other.
They leave the main courtyard, stepping beneath an underpass and through a door that leads to a long, thin corridor. Everything is black marble. Small lamps hang lit from the walls, casting a glowing pool of light beneath them and downwards. Azalee can just make out the end of the hallway, where a hunk of marble angled upwards lives. Groves are carved perfectly in it, lining a path large enough for a footstep, and at the sight of it, Azalee pauses, eyes widening. Her smile deepens, and a light feeling begins bubbling beneath her skin. Large eyes widen as they step towards it. Only several footfalls later, they are at the object of Azalee’s admiration; though the other woman instantly forges forward, Azalee has taken time to inspect it further, and does not even edge a toe yet onto it.
This hesitation does not go unnoticed, nor uncommented on. “We’re late,” Azalee is reminded. “What’s the holdup? Never seen a staircase before, or something?”
Staircase. She rolls the word around in her mind like a ball of clay before easing onto the first step, smiling. It is like a ladder — a horizontal ladder that seems to hold more weight and be easier to climb.
“As a matter of fact,” Azalee responds, throwing up a curious and excitable beam, “I have not.”
The interim handmaiden’s face flushes red as she turns, immediately retreating up the staircase and killing the short-lived conversation. Azalee stares at each stair carefully as she steps up it, listening to the quiet clips of their feet against the marble. It seems to sing and whistle with their weight, just like her wooden ladder used to sigh and puff. But this time… it is stone! Why is it that stone enchants her so? Why does she want to forget how late she is and lay on this staircase, allowing her fingers to roam over every unique stress mark and crevice beneath her?
Eventually, her eyes drift to the tall and silent woman leading her through the castle, and Azalee takes in her features further. She suits this place — just like Matka before her. Both bitter and violent in their own ways. Matka is the bearer of storms, whereas this woman appears to be drenched and wrapped in a coat of winter. She drips ice and snow, of a coldness Azalee has never before known. Her nose curls upwards and her fingers seem to stretch and overextend every moment, giving even her straightest stature a sort of natural curve. Azalee’s fingers press together, rubbing as if to find some warmth from the cold curve of the mountain above her, before she’s noticed — the eyes that find her narrow and ready for any confrontation that should come her way.
“What do you want?” The words stumble out quickly, stinging in frigidity. It’s almost fascinating to Azalee to see a personality similar to this. While Matka is obviously merely unhappy about the situation she has found herself in, this woman appears to be unhappy about existing.
“I did not catch your name back there.”
Black eyes flicker away as they turn another staircase. For a moment, Azalee is unsure she’ll receive an answer. Then, suddenly, with a breath like a sigh and crunch of snow, “It’s Maeryn.”
“Maeryn!” Brown eyes glow, and Azalee’s curls bounce as she fights to keep up with the faster Maeryn. Their faces are framed, glowing in the low light. “What a beautiful name! Are you of Damachien?”
For a moment, the controlled fury in Maeryn’s face seems to fade — she merely stares at Azalee with an intensity and a darkness that is unfathomable to the woman beneath her. Maeryn suddenly stops — Azalee realizes only when she stops, as well, that they are before two stone doors larger than Azalee has ever seen.
“Stop.” Something in the tone of Maeryn’s voice — whether it is the hoarseness or the lack of cold — causes Azalee to hold her gaze and not let it go. She seems almost entranced, looking at this woman like this.
“Stop what?”
“I’m not going to be your friend. None of us are. You need to just stop.”
Though there is no hostility in Maeryn’s voice, Azalee feels a pang in her chest — something strong enough to make her smile falter for even the shortest of moments. Eyebrows furl and her head tilts, making the wisps of her curls just slightly crest her right shoulder.
“I do n—”
“Wedon’t want you here. None of us. Not everyone will be this straightforward with you, but I don’t care. You made a mistake.” Maeryn’s thin arms fold over her chest.
There is another pause.
“But non—” Azalee begins.
“You chose a life any of us would give up.” It’s appearing to her that Maeryn is waiting for the exact time she begins speaking to shut her down.
Before Maeryn can pause for long enough again, Azalee jumps in, “Then why have you not yet given it up?”
Maeryn’s dark eyes move towards her. “Matka told you, didn’t she? We can’t leave. We’d never find our way back. We’d be lost in the void, or whatever.” There’s a hesitation, punctuated by blinking. “And even if we could, it isn’t as easy as you’d believe. We can’t just leave. We would need to find work we are proficient in. And we’re here, in the middle of this mountain range.”
Azalee’s smile seems to surprise her — as Azalee’s eyes shut and radiance beams from her figure, Maeryn falls silent.
She is smiling, now, because she understands. All these miles away from her home town… and yet, for the first time she has arrived in Damachien, she has found something in commonwith someone.
“The same reason you cannot leave is the reason that I am here.” She straightens her head, stands a bit taller as her eyes open and assess Maeryn. “I am well aware that I do not know your people and you do not know me. If you choose, collectively or individually, to not be my friend, that is your own decision. But I need to survive — and that, the same reason that you have not left, is the reason that I will stay.” Azalee can already see questions brewing in Maeryn’s eyes, so immediately she asserts, “Now, as you have already enunciated, we are late,” as she gestures to the door.
Maeryn appears to hesitate for a moment, almost apologetic — then, apparently shaking off the dispute of moments ago, she pulls on the doors, allowing them to swing outwardly.
Azalee notices only as she turns towards the door how intricately and beautifully it is designed. An image etched in gold on a marble door… But she does not have enough time to process or burn the picture into her head as the door is flung open.
This room, as all the others that Azalee has graced, is made of stone — marble black with white stress marks. A large window is cut into the wall running parallel, through which sunlight streams. Most of the adornments are gold — gold plating beneath the window, a gold vanity near the window, gold bookshelves lining the wall to the left of her. A gold chandelier hangs from the wall, and there are gold chests against the ground. The room stretches on to the left for further than her eye can witness, beams of light occasionally slicing through far off rooms, only illuminating gold and far away walls.
It is, however, to the right that catches Azalee’s attention. A shimmering gold canopy covers a long bed, and a morning breeze makes it sway. It is sheer enough that, even without it being drawn back, Azalee can see what it is.
Immediately, she falls to her knees, her right knee bent beneath her as her left remains poised to move. Her head bends downwards in respect, but her eyes never move from her target.
For there, lying on the linen, is her Royal Majesty, the Queen of Damachien.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Jimss here
Hey, Quill. I was strolling through stories that I had reviewed before to see if any had published more and low and behold, I see part two! I hope you don't mind, but I thought I do another review.
I am going to break from my usual pattern and start with the positive stuff because I think it needs to be said first.
This is probably your best chapter so far in my opinion. Wraps up some of the things that had been ambiguous in other chapters (namely why everyone doesn't like your MC) and your dialogue is very realistic. You have my seal approval (whatever that is worth. Not much, I imagine)
Ok, on to the regular stuff.
1) I think more dialogue tags on occasion would really help make sure that the reader knows exactly who is talking. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you need to add a lot of them, just a few more here and there.
2) "The interim handmaiden’s face flushes red as she turns"
-this seemed a little out of place with the descriptions of the handmaiden before. You spent a good amount of time describing her as this cold, gaunt, jaded person. This just seemed a little inconsistent.
3) Your description is good, as always.
4) One thing I really liked in this chapter is that Maeryn felt really developed, despite her limited "screen time" (That's probably not the right word, but it was the closest one I could think of)
Ok, that is it from me. I liked this chapter (or part of a chapter rather) a lot. I hope you don't mind that this review is a little. I only saw that it was up just now. (Shame on me.)
Anyway, keep on writing. I really want to read more!
Cheers,
Jimss
"stands thin woman, long hair tied..." I think you should separate it so the sentence isn't as long and make it "stands a thin woman. Her long hair is tied behind... braid, her eyes..."
it is really great, so keep writing.
I love how you described the appearance of the character early on.
"Anticipation automatically and immediately swells in Azalee's chest..." automatically and immediately imply the same thing so removing one or the other would be good. I would remove automatically. It is also said pretty soon later so it would be kind of repetitive.
"Well met." Is weird. I'm not quite sure what it's meaning is"just like Marla before her. Both..." i think you can combine that with a comma instead of a period. It is kind of choppy with the new sentences.
"When she stops, as well, that..." can become "only when she stops as well that they"
We don't is connected, make sure to add a space there.
This is a very nice story and the plot is very clever. All it needs is a little revising and it should be well on its way.
Hey, GoldenQuill! Storm here to do another review! So let's jump right into it.
You're using too many words. You could have said that she looked hostile in much fewer words than you did. Wordiness can sometimes be a chore to read. Cutting stuff like this down improves flow and makes it easier on your readers.
I just noticed something. You tend not to use shorter sentences, which is fine for the most part. But always using more complex sentences can sometimes be overwhelming for the casual reader. Using simple sentences more often will not only make it easier on the reader but will also vary your sentence length and improve the flow of your writing. (Though I may be noticing this more because I have a headache right now).
This seems really informal compared to your past dialogue. Consistency is best, so be careful that you stick with the level of formality that people normally speak with in your writing.
I'm not sure that loom is the best word to use here. You may want to rework the entire sentence to keep the same meaning but use a more appropriate word here.
This is just a random question, but are Selam and Mirtus in a relationship? Am I reading too much into things? Because they just kind of seem to be teetering on the edge of old married couple, but they don't quite know each other well enough yet. Maybe I'm thinking too much about it because this is a lesbian romance.
You just need something between marble and black. Like: Marble that is black with white stress marks or something similar.
Okay, this needs to be addressed. I meant to read the first chapter but didn't end up doing that, so you may have already explained this. But are all these places different countries? Are they like states? Territories? How does this society work? There are just so many unanswered questions.
Overall, this was just as good as part one or chapter two, maybe even better. Your description was on point. There was only one problem that bears repeating here. You use too many words. I don't even know how to say it in any other way so, again, when/if you edit definitely try to cut down on the amount of words you use. It may be easier if you have someone else do it for you. That's about it. Feel free to ask me questions if you have any.
~Storm
Thank you so much for your review!
Also, to quickly answer your question: yes, Mirtus and Selam are in a relationship.