Thanks for all the reviews. I deleted it so I could revise it.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Thanks for all the great comments. Especially Drago's in-depth response.
I fixed up the regret part so that it made more sense. Thanks for the tip.
The thing I have had the most difficulty with is creating a plausible villain with real motives. But then I thought about the villains in real life, the murderers and the thieves. They don't have realistic motives. There is no justification. They're just evil. So that's how I made Zarconi.
I certainly hope there aren't any spelling or grammar mistakes.
Hello, I'm Drago, and I will be attempting a review.
First I would like to say, that your writing style is interesting. It was very narrative, and in the beginning I thought you were just giving a background to build the story upon. I finally figured out it was a traditional fantasy. You did a very good job at making a magical world. The description of your world was left to the readers imagination. I don't know if this was intentional or not. The world could have been described in a more magical way if this was meant to be a fairy tale type story.
I thought the idea was very well thought out. It looks as though you know exactly where the story is going and I applaud you for actually thinking out your plot. There was one thing that caught my eye.
It says he regretted it, yet he was still very criminal like for the rest of the story. I'm not saying that he would completely change just because he regretted getting in trouble, but when you regret something a lot of times you will have second thoughts and make mistakes.
I think stronger adjectives should be used to appeal to an older audience. I'm not going to nit-pick at grammar and spelling mainly because I'm lazy. Overall good job, I look forward to the next chapter.
Hello, I am Ryuichi and I have a couple of comments-
Good job on the story, I would definitely suggest continuing this story because I found it to be quite good. You had a very in depth plot and very descriptive sentences. I liked how you put this and would like to read more. As I said before, continue this story. Thanks,
Ryuichi
So, your new here. Welcome! I'm a newbie as well. You are going to love it here. Any way, you have a great story going on here, it leaves me very curious which is, of course, a good thing. I'm not very good on the grammer so I wont be critisezing that, I'll leave that to some one else. But I enjoyed it so keep writing!