Published January 15, 2010
The music set our souls on fire
And we found ourselves inspired
To make wondrous things
With our hearts and hands
The many hues of blue and gold
Paint visions only dreamed
Of gently shifting shadows
And songs yet to be sung
The words that we had written
Became something more each day
With the melody that captured us
And swiftly stole away
The music whispers in our ears
Enticingly it calls to us
So eagerly we followed it
All along this starlit path
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141,462 Literary Works • 674,481 Reviews
Hey.
Well, hmm... I still think you're one of my favorite poets on here.
This sounds almost like an anthem when I read it. There's a way you write that makes your words sound so powerful. Compelling, somehow.
I don't mind the rhyme, non-rhyme thing you do here. It flows all the same and it takes none of the magic of the words away.
Long time, no see, talk, anything. You should be around more. Honestly.
Anyway, review time:
)
I like your simple language, because it's easy to follow, easy to understand, but be careful not to let it become tedious. Eliminating little words like "so" and "all" here will do wonders for your poem, because most people enjoy concise poems that tell a story in original ways with exciting wordage and such.
> On Structure
(I know, it's annoying of me, but structure is half the poem. Really.
You have staggered rhyme here; in the first stanza you have fire/inspired consecutively, nothing in the next, and in the third you follow up with day/-/away alternatively. I'm not too sure what that's doing for me. I mean, sure, poems don't even need rhyme, but here, you're using it, and because your lines and stanzas are so small, the rhyming stands out prominently, and I think you should make it more resolute, unless this was an intended effect?
Also, no need to capitalize each line. It's not a horrible thing to do, and many poets do it, but it kind of bugs me. I think you're better off just capitalizing proper nouns and leaving everything else small, because it's kind of like you're beginning a new thought when you're really not.
> On the Poem
I think it's good, but stands the grounds of improvement.
Also, the adverb, enticingly sounds kind of boring, because you're saying "Like enticing" instead of it enticing, soooo, I would reword that. Keep the word, because I like it, but try to reconstruct so that you're saying enticing and not enticingly.
Hope that helped!
June