Okay, your talking in the second person, different but okay.....Wandering,
Wandering
as though you are lost,
yet all around you,
are those you called your friends.
Reword this. I think you have your line breks in spots youFakes
they were,
for in your time of need
they turned their backs
upon you.
Now, alone and broken,
weeping.
didnt mean for them to be. Remember, only break where you want your reader to pause. Also the way you leave this you can't tell if its the "you" you are referring to, or there friends, who are alone, broken, and weeping.
Can you learn
to trust again?
For I am, unlike them,
no gilded facade for me.
I am who I seem.
This is a weird combo of first and second person. Normally fusing these two inst a good idea. The whole for I am thing, makes it weird. I get what your trying to say, that the persons friends were all fake but you would be true to them, but they way you worded it makes it so awkward. I dont know how to fix it but it jus doesnt seem right.
Good luck though! ill be reading again to see if you are planning on fixing your mistakes.
Points: 890
Reviews: 35
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