Published April 4, 2008
Unlike Them
Wandering,
Wandering
as though you are lost,
yet all around you,
are those you called your friends.
Fakes
they were,
for in your time of need
they turned their backs
upon you.
Now, alone and broken,
weeping.
Can you learn
to trust again?
For I am, unlike them,
no gilded facade for me.
I am who I seem.
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Canary word: Present
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Reword this. I think you have your line breks in spots you
didnt mean for them to be. Remember, only break where you want your reader to pause. Also the way you leave this you can't tell if its the "you" you are referring to, or there friends, who are alone, broken, and weeping.
This is a weird combo of first and second person. Normally fusing these two inst a good idea. The whole for I am thing, makes it weird. I get what your trying to say, that the persons friends were all fake but you would be true to them, but they way you worded it makes it so awkward. I dont know how to fix it but it jus doesnt seem right.
Good luck though!
I dislike how you sometimes made it seem as if it was robotic writing, cold, true, writing.
For example, using phrases like "For I am." It sounds very formal.
Then at other times you make it seem like depressed teen poetry.
It could be fixed up a little because I didn't visualize much, this poem didn't have a voice.
I was left hingry for more after it.
You need some more descriptive words/terms/phrases.
Ah, you have the ever-popular Hendrix quote in your sig, God
Anyways, on to your poem:
All in all, a pretty mediocre poem. The line breaks were really choppy for me. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for or not, but even if it was what you were going for, you could have executed it a lot better. I also just feel like this is only a skeleton of a poem. You need to full it out with some vivid imagery and powerful description. Right now I don't really feel all that much after reading your poem, which is obviously what no poet wants. You're just scratching the surface here, but I think if you just pushed yourself a little further, you could pull it off.
Good try though, just needs a little work. (Oh, and welcome to YWS! Hope I didn't scare you too much right off the bat...)
oh, thx, didnt notice that, one of those commas was supposed to be a period.
peace.
Your punctuation in some places is incredebly sporatic or weird. For example:
You only have a period after "weeping" but that isn't one sentence--it's two.I'm not sure I like the repetition of "wandering" at the beginning either. I think it would be stronger if you only said it once. For the most part this poem has a message behind it, but nothing poetic about it. You're just saying things in verse form. Consider the use of metaphors, imagery, and all of those things that make poetry amazing, to make this poem amazing. Keep in mind, as well, that word choice is a big deal. Don't just choose a word, choose the right word.
Another thing to think about is your audience. How do you want them to feel when they read this? That should be kept in mind, because you want your reader to feel, think, or believe something once they've finished reading your poem, or even during. Poetry should evoke emotion.
I hope this helped! If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
yeah, i can see that. ill try it, and see what other ppl say.
Hello, God. nice to meet you.
A comma at the end of each line would work better.
Replace the comma in the first line with a period. That's all the "nitpicks" I found.