More

Hey God! I never thought that I would die so young. . .wait, never mind. Sorry, that was my attempt at a joke. Failed.

Anyway, here is my review.

Over all, I think the poem was beautiful in its simplicity. The idea was great and very original. Thanks for that, by the way. Too often, poems are so similar that it's hard to distinguish them. Your poem will not be, though. The repition of the key word "more" makes the poem what it is: straight forward.

Though I liked the essence of your poem and its meaning, in reading it didn't really touch me. I see every piece of literature as a new "person" to meet, some resulting in friendships, some not. I respect your poem, but it didn't really pull on my heart strings, nor did it point out a message I found ground breaking.

I liked this piece and I don't think that there is much work you could do on it. My main suggestion is considering adding a bit more to it. I'd like some more.

I'm no pro. These are just my observations. If you have any questions, just PM me! :]

-dd9

Bonjour, Sir! June here!


Strange how I read this poem before and never noticed it was by you. I should have known...

The repetition in this poem is perfect. It isn't annoying in the least, and flows perfectly. Not only have you used repetition flawlessly, you have a perfect rhyme scheme here.

Now, someone above has mentioned that this is dark, but I don't see it as dark. I see it more as realistic; and by that I mean, realistic in a sense of being honest, and straightforward.

Personally, what I like about this is how vague and how clear it is (oxymoron much, I know) but, this is the type of piece that can trick a person into thinking that they know off-hand what this is about, but if they begin to think, they can't be entirely sure.

It's a very simplistic piece, which makes it wonderful. Poems where people try to be too complex are commonly ruined in an effort to make it something greater than it can handle. I totally love how you kept it simple.

Though it was short, everything was neatly organized. Great job with that, gold star for you.

My apologies; I am not much help with constructive criticism at all.


Well done, sir.

June

This poem flows very nicely. There was a sense of symmetry about the poem, that gave it an almost artistic quality.

Love the repetition. Rhyming was spot-on. However, I have to make up for that awful critique earlier, right?

I believe that you could do so much more with this. Reading this just makes me feel like it isn't quite finished, you know? I think you could expand on some (if not all) of the five sensory details you mentioned. Sound, sight, smell, etc. Give us more to work with.
At this point, I don't have a visual image in my mind. Yes, I can tell this poem is dark, but why? What is the purpose? Unlike your other poems, I see no meaning in this.

I know this is painfully short, but I wanted to get straight to the point.


*anti-pop

thanks both of you, anyone else wanna critique it?

peace,
God

Hey there God! I'm an absolutely idiot to review since I have nothing else to say. All my thoughts were mentioned above. About the pucntuation, at least put a . at the end of each stanza. It flows really nice, and rehymming is pretty good (not forced as mentioned above). Hum... what else to say... You're point is a good topic, and you've displayed it very well.
The length here does not affect my opinion since I think it's great just this way
That's all I have to say... Crappy review, right? I know...
So, keep writing! Work on that punctuation!

*Kat*

Hey God! I can say that I absolutely love this poem. The repetition fits perfectly, and I enjoyed it. The rhyming wasn't forced, the last lines flow nicely... Hm, what else to say? Well, there's this thing with punctuation. For your first two lines, you have punctuation, but nothing after that. It's kind of awkward.

Anyway, this was beautiful. Short, but sweet. Uh, sweetly dark. This is definitely deserving of a gold star. Great work!