Published May 21, 2010
They wash like flowers
upon breakstones.
They dance like shadows
in the dark.
They live like secrets
kept too long.
They creep like roseweeds
all along.
They sing their siren songs
to unsuspecting ears.
And leave their mark,
as every tongue hangs loose.
They whisper truth to me,
and murmur lies as well.
They lead me on the road to salvation,
and on the paths to Hell.
They take my hand and lead me,
to paths both dark and deep.
I will lose myself down there I know,
but still I go.
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Hey,
There's a nice use of juxtaposition in your similies. Perhaps a little more of this, a few more specifically contradictory images, would bring out the irony of your last line.
I really like “roseweeds” and “breakstones” – lovely words, good in their contexts too.
The first four lines seem to set up a really nice rhythm, made interesting by the line breaks. But the meter just stops on “kept too long” – which is a shame. I think working on the meter would do “roseweeds” and “breakstones” justice. I think it would gain from a little attention to rhythm and form - think how you are manipulating how the reader would speak the poem.
Sophie
Hi God,
I thought this disrupted the flow of your poem. You could have showed slightly more rather than told, but overall this is very good. I like the similes in the first four sentences. Then you lost it. Try to add more similes to the other parts of the poem! I really liked your closing line. It really made me think, and wonder. Great job!Overall I liked this. One thing:
Sarebear
I like this poem. It has a nice flow to it and you used a lot of really descriptive words. The only thing I didn't like was that I don't really know what it's about. It's a lot of nice thoughts put together, but I'm not sure what they all add up to at the end. I still, like it, though, because it makes me think.
~Amylith