Young Writers Society

Hmm. I liked it.
It was very interesting to read and I'm curious as to see what happens next.
The only problem, that I saw?
Watch your "i". You keep on forgetting to capitalize the "i", something that should always be capitalized, as I'm sure you know. ;D

I also liked your descriptions, they were very good.
Really, all you have to is watch your capitilization.

Good job once again.
-Basket-

I don't have much time, but I'm trying to keep up with my goal of one critique a day, so if something doesn't make sense be sure to PM me and I'll explain myself more fully.

I really liked the idea of this - I can see that you're going to go far with it. You already have some pretty well set out characters. Only problem? I don't care about them.

The sign of a truly amazing writer, in my opinion, is when they can make me cry over a death. I had hardly gotten into this story when you killed him, though, so why should I care? I just pass it off.

There's a saying, though I don't know who first said it. It's 'when your neighbor loses their job, it's a recession. When you lose your job, it's a depression.' Basically, whatever hits closest to home is the worst thing. If some random person dies, I won't care so much. If my best friend dies, I'll be very upset.

Work on that. Get us to care for this person before you kill them. One way you could do so without spending a whole story on it would be to focus more on his actions. Remember, dialogue tells very little about a character. We listen to actions, not words. Focus on details - let us feel for this character. Focus in on him. Does he have handcuffs biting into his skin? Are all eyes on him? What? Give us a feel for his surroundings, and his words will have so much more meaning.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

God wrote:Blasphemous Teachings
Prologue


"You have been charged with teaching blasphemy and heresy among the lesser folk," the judge spoke, his voice echoes across the room. "As all those present are aware, these crimes are punishable by death. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty" said the prisoner firmly, and surprisingly, for his face is a mass of fresh cuts and bruises.

"How do you mean 'Not guilty?' Surely you do not deny the fact that you have spoken against our doctrine?"

"No, your honor."

"Surely you do not deny spreading malcontent and discord among the lesser folk? Why, we have had no less than three separate rebellions in the last month."

"No sir, i do not deny these statements." said the prisoner, his head held high, his confidence belies his situation.

"Then surely you are guilty?"

"No sir, for more than a thousand years, these "lesser folk" have lived under the tyranny and oppression of your kind-"

"Is it not our rightful place?"

"NO!" the prisoner shouts, his voices raised in passion. The guard standing beside him raises a small club, as if to strike the prisoner for this outburst, but is stopped by a small motion from the judge

"How can you speak such?" the judge says "You yourself were born into the higher folk, yet chose to live among the lesser."

"Yes sir."

"Then having been raised among us, you know the truth of our doctrine, you know that our superiority of strength and intelligence has attributed us our dominance over the lesser folk."

"We are not superior, neither more intelligent nor stronger, only better educated and better equipped." said the prisoner.

"It comes to the same thing, does it not? They were meant to serve, how can you not see this?" The judge has become exasperated, for want of food and drink. "Proclaim your guilt and end this. I tire of your presence"

With that, the prisoner looks at the judge, and began to speak, as if all of the earth and the heavens stood behind him. "Good sir, i have only taught them the truth, yes i educated them, i armed them with truth and knowledge, and i trained them to think for themselves. I taught them to read and write, so that they might better understand. I uncovered your lies and betrayed your secrets, but for to unveil your weakness to the world. Without your shadows, you are nothing and never shall be. If it is guilt that brings the truth to light, and guilt that bring the heart to hope, then so be it, I am guilty."

"I hereby sentence this man to hang until dead, for he has confessed to his guilt, without coercion, the crimes of blasphemy and heresy, and such is the punishment." the judge spoke with an evil gleam in his eye, and with that, he swings his gavel, the ominous sound echoing through a silent room.



The procession marched slowly out to the gallows, they are led by two torch bearing guards, and the same bring up the rear. As they reach the gallows, the guards proceed to fit the prisoner with the noose, pulling it around his neck. When they had finished, an announcer begins to speak.

"The prisoner has been brought forth on this day of the Equinox, to be hanged at dawn for the treasonous crimes of blasphemy and heresy. Have you any last word before the appointed time?"

"I do. For these past years, i have questioned the rule of my forefathers, and yet, i have come up with no convincing evidence of our superiority. Now i know that our rule has become stagnant, and shall soon fade into the mists of time. For i have set to spark a tinder of truth, and it shall light, mark my words, the flames of revolution will spread, until all of the higher folk know the pain and suffering with which the lesser people live, until your rule has been torn asunder, and then, only then, will justice be served."

A nod from the judge, and a soldier pulled the lever. The creaking of rope taut against oaken beams, the only sound in the cold morning air.

Hey God (hah),

I'm going to through this paragraph by paragraph, offering suggestions where I see fit, okay? Let's begin:

God wrote:"You have been charged with teaching blasphemy and heresy among the lesser folk," the judge speaks, his voice echoes across the room. "As all those present are aware, these crimes are punishable by death. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty" the prisoner speaks firmly, and surprisingly, for his face is a mass of fresh cuts and bruises.

"How do you mean 'Not guilty?' Surely you do not deny the fact that you have spoken against our doctrine?"

"No your honor."

"Surely you do not deny spreading malcontent and discord among the lesser folk? Why, we have had no less than three separate rebellions in the last month."

"No sir, i do not deny these statements." he says, his head held high, his confidence belies his situation.

"Then surely you are guilty?"

"No sir, for more than a thousand years, these "lesser folk" have lived under the tyranny and oppression of your kind-"

"Is it not our rightful place?"

"NO!" the prisoner speaks, his voices raised in passion. The guard standing beside him raises a small club, as if to strike the prisoner for this outburst, but is stopped by a small motion from the judge

"How can you speak such? you yourself were born into the higher folk, yet chose to live among the lesser."

"Yes sir."

"Then having been raised among us, you know the truth of our doctrine, you know that our superiority of strength and intelligence has attributed us our dominance over the lesser folk."

"We are not superior, neither more intelligent nor stronger, only better educated and better equipped." says the prisoner.

"It comes to the same thing, does it not? They were meant to serve, how can you not see this?" The judge has become exasperated, for want of food and drink. "Proclaim your guilt and end this. I tire of your presence"

"Good sir, i have only taught them the truth, yes i educated them, i armed them with truth and knowledge, and i trained them to think for themselves. I taught them to read and write, so that they might better understand. I uncovered your lies and betrayed your secrets, but for to unveil your weakness to the world. Without your shadows, you are nothing and never shall be. If it is guilt that brings the truth to light, and guilt that bring the heart to hope, then so be it, i am guilty."

"I hereby sentence this man to hang until dead, for he has confessed to his guilt, without coercion, the crimes of blasphemy and heresy, and such is the punishment." the judge speaks with an evil gleam in his eye, and with that, he swings his gavel, the ominous sound echoing through a silent room.

The procession marched slowly out to the gallows, they are lead by two torch bearing guards, and the same bring up the rear. As they reach the gallows, the guards proceed to fit the prisoner with the noose, pulling it around his neck. When they had finished, an announcer begins to speak.

"The prisoner has been brought forth on this day of December the third, to be hanged at dawn for the treasonous crimes of blasphemy and heresy. Have you any last word before the appointed time?"

"I do. For all my life, i have questioned the rule of my forefathers, and yet, i have come up with no convincing evidence of our superiority. Now i know that our rule has become stagnant, and shall soon fade into the mists of time. For i have set to spark a tinder of truth, and it shall light, mark my words, the flames of revolution will spread, until all of the higher folk know the pain and suffering with which the lesser people live, until your rule has been torn asunder, and then, only then, will justice be served."

A nod from the judge, and a soldier pulls the lever. The creaking of rope taut against oaken beams, the only sound in the cold morning air.

If it is guilt that brings the truth to light, and guilt that bring the heart to hope, then so be it, i am guilty."

they are lead by two torch bearing guards