On one sunny day, Sandy decided to go play on the beach.
Sandy loved playing on the beach as much as he could.
He’d build gigantic sandcastles.
He’d collect beautiful sea shells.
He’d run back and forth on the shore as the waves came crashing in and running back.
But he had a bad habit of throwing rubbish on the beach.
Some of it would’ve gotten washed into the sea.
Animals would’ve eaten or get tangled in his rubbish.
He wouldn’t care or even notice that he was doing it.
But on this day, he met an unexpected neighbour.
A turtle was playing in the water near the beach.
He came up to it, looked at it and it stared back.
After a while, they started playing together.
Racing each other and splashing each other.
In no time, they became friends.
“You have a pretty shell,” said Sandy.
The turtle smiled.
“So I’m going to call you Shelly!”
The turtle, now called Shelly, smiled even more.
Everyday, Sandy and Shelly would visit each other.
And each day, their bond grew bigger and bigger.
Over time, their bond was so big; it couldn’t ever be broken by anyone.
No matter what.
But from time to time,
Shelly would notice that Sandy was littering on the beach.
She didn’t like it.
But she tried to ignore it because Sandy was her friend.
But it came to a time when it was bugging her too much.
She had to tell Sandy to stop littering.
So she came up to him.
“What’s wrong, Shelly?” asked Sandy. “You look sad.”
Shelly pointed at all the rubbish on the beach.
“Do you want me to stop littering?”
Shelly nodded.
But Sandy ignored Shelly’s warning and said, “It’s only a little bit of rubbish.
It’s not gonna hurt you. So don’t worry.”
Shelly did what she was told and tried not to worry.
After that talk, they still continued on playing together.
They were still best of friends.
Throughout their friendship, there were many great fun times.
But the best time was on this certain day.
The full moon was shining ever so brightly.
Shelly called Sandy over to watch her.
Sandy was surprised at what he was looking at.
“Are these your eggs, Shelly?”
Shelly nodded quickly many times, making joyful turtle noises.
“Good for you, Shelly!” Sandy said.
When Sandy finished looking at the eggs, Shelly buried them in sand.
Weeks later, Sandy decided to have a picnic with Shelly on the beach.
In his picnic basket, he brought yummy food and refreshing drinks.
They were packed in his own colourful plastic bags.
“I heard you liked jellyfish,” Sandy said to Shelly.
Shelly nodded.
“But I couldn’t find any jellyfish at home. So you’ll have to eat the food I packed.”
Shelly was happy to be trying new food.
They had ham sandwiches, lemonade, cookies, cake and more.
They munched on it joyfully as they were talking to each other.
Shelly and Sandy loved the food and drinks.
They thought they were super delicious!
They were very full when they finished eating.
But now they wanted to play.
Shelly headed out to the ocean to swim and Sandy followed her along the shore.
Sandy noticed that he was holding the plastic bags.
It was to no use for him so he chucked it.
The wind was strong and it carried them into the ocean.
Shelly was still in the water at the time and a bag was in front of her.
Plastic bags looked like jellyfish underwater.
And Shelly likes to eat jellyfish.
So the bag looked like a colourful, tasty jellyfish.
So she swallowed it…
Back on the shore, Sandy was calling for Shelly.
But she didn’t come.
Sandy was starting to get worried.
“Shelly! Shelly!” Sandy called.
But there was no answer.
“Shelly!!! SHELLY!!!” Sandy shouted as he was getting very worried.
Sandy anxiously looked around the beach.
But he couldn’t find her.
But then…
He saw her, washed up on the shore.
Not moving at all.
Sandy raced to her.
“Shelly? Are you okay?”
She didn’t move.
“Shelly?! Please say something!”
She still didn’t move.
Sandy noticed something near her mouth.
It was colourful.
He pulled it out and looked at it.
It was his plastic bag.
Sandy burst up in tears as Shelly lay dead.
He realised what he had done wrong.
He hugged Shelly and apologised.
“I’m sorry Shelly! I didn’t mean it! I’m sorry…”
Sandy cried.
“I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you before! I won’t do it again!”
“I’ll stop littering on the beach from now on!
I’ll even pick up rubbish that has been left by other people!
I’ll take the rubbish and put it in a bin!
I’ll reuse my plastic bags…”
“I’ll do anything to take you back…”
Something was happening under the sand nearby.
Crack… Crack…
Crack… Crack… Crack…
Shelly’s baby turtles were hatching.
They were digging their way up to the ground.
Every little one of them.
Sandy started to notice and looked back.
He looked at all the baby turtles and started to cry less.
As the baby turtles raced to the shore, Sandy picked one of them up.
It also had a beautiful shell, like its mother, Shelly.
Sandy smiled at it, and it smiled back.
“This time, I’ll know what to do.”
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hi Gabbi it's your friend from school nice story I might be putting up mine when I finish. I really don't think your book needs changing I think it's really good but I'd give it 95% because Shelly dies but it still has a happy ending and I think children the age 6-10 are the age groups for the story! :3
Hey! I came back cause you needed help
I'm guessing you meant about the portion where I said something like " development after you mentioned his habit of throwing away plastic bags was really good" And about dragging out his death?
Okay so basically, both of these things have to do with the fundamental elements of a plot, the exposition(the start/setting) , the rising action, the climax, falling action and resolution.
When I mentioned 'energy', I was trying to refer to how you handled the rising and falling action, and the climax itself.
Usually, to keep the energy up, you have to let the reader figure out a few things on his own. Giving out too much information makes the reading less interactive, and punctures the balloon a little.
What might be better here is to close the previous scene with her wandering off, and leave Sandy to sit at the shore or something. You've started the rising action early with this story, because many people would realise that the plastic bags will lead to something ominous in the end. This is called a foreshadow, and using it helps! Adding to this is the way you consistently refer back to Shelly being disappointed with sandy throwing away the plastic bags. So it has a good amount of energy at the beginning.
But once you start telling the story like in the quotes above, you are lessening the energy before it reaches the highest point- the climax- and this can affect the clarity of your writing!
At this portion, what I meant by 'dragging out her death' was to inject more emotion, more gravity to the situation. Right now it feels very bland, like he doesn't really feel anything. Its probably the cliche feeling that comes with it too, because you made this part longer that it could have been without making it 'stronger' in a sense.
Same for the bit
The transition from sadness and helplessness to a feeling of hope is very important here, because it is part of your falling action and resolution. So you can probably try to make it more apparent?
Lastly, try to describe more than you tell. Like for the portion where Sandy sees the baby turtles shell. It's a wondrous moment, one that means a lot. To make it stand out more, you could describe the shell a little more, and let the reader understand that it is the same beautiful colour as her mother's.
I hope I helped! Feel free to ask me if you need more clarification XD
Keep Writing~
-Binder
Thanks
*tears*
This was lovely!
The main challenge with children's stories, I think, is to keep it interesting and yet bring across the more serious underlying message. It was meaningful and sweet, which was great!
If we could really get pictures, it would be FANTABULOUS.
I felt as though it was a bit too narrative at some point, since
you start each sentence with a capital letter, and then mostly with 'Sandy' or 'He'. After which I remember that it's a children's story, so that may or may not really matter.
I think the development after you mentioned his habit of throwing away plastic bags was really good, as you kept the tension going, but the part before mr turtle actually inhales the bag seems a bit off. If you would consider instead trying to make it seem like the turtle knew something of the consequences of throwing away the plastic bags, but instead kept it hidden, it would add much more energy. Bringing in the turtle's dissaproval was good too, since it keeps the energy up.
Secondly, since the part about the turtle was the main portion, maybe you could drag out his death a bit? (I sound so sadistic here XD ) Since the message will be brought across by the sadness felt by the reader in response to his death, you could have dragged the scene a little more prior to the discovery of his body. I think that would make the effect a lot stronger.
Lastly, as for the age group, I can't really be sure, but it would probably be on a higher level than the usual ladybird books, but lower than some of the more complex parables or folk tales. Maybe you could check up on those age groups before deciding.
Hope I helped!
Keep Writing~
-Binder
Yush, you helped alot
(Tho I don't fully understand paragraph 6 7 tho xD)
Hi. Am here review!
Yay a children's book! This needs pictures.....
1. 'It also had a beautiful shell, like its mother, Shelly.'
You should make it ~It had a beautiful shell, like it's mother, Shelly.~
You don't need the 'also' and you need to but an ' in its because it is a possessive noun
2. Capitalization- nothing is wrong. Ok here
3. Spelling- nothing is misspelled.
4. Grammar- nothing needs to be fixed on this section
Your review grade- 95%
Reviewers note- this was a beautiful story but I deducted 5% for the missing '
~lost
That's wrong. "Its" shows possession. "It's" is the abbreviation for "it is".
Sorry, hmmm, I wonder why that is like that
A friend (and grammar teacher) once explained it to me, and I've not had a problem with it since. It's like saying his or hers-- they are both possessive, but you don't use an apostrophe. Neither does "its" when you mean it as a possessive. "It's", meaning "it is", is a contraction.
^Was that confusing?
Nope but my dog is getting eaten... Again
Thanks
This really helps. I don't need to put the apostrophe tho xD
Hey, Cheetah here to review your piece!
I think this would be a good children's book! It has a beginning, middle, and a satisfying end. Sometimes that's hard to do with short stories, but you managed it very well! I also liked the way you expressed Sandy's and Shelly's friendship. It was very sweet.
I only saw one line that made me stop reading for a second.
I don't really think you need the word 'started' in there. To me, at least, it would be better written like this: 'Sandy noticed and looked back.' But if you put the 'started' in this sentence for a reason, that's totally fine - don't change it.
You really made me feel like I was there. When Sandy wouldn't throw away his bags I truly felt sad, knowing that animals could die because of that.
This was really great! I loved the ending! When you have illustrations I'd love to see it.
Keep writing!
~Cheetah
Thanks!
A LOT! 
I'll change it :3
On second thoughts, maybe not xD I like it.
Haha, okay.