Young Writers Society

Good morning Giselle! Here to review your prologue on this amazingly fine review day! I will review as I read so that it will make a little more sense to both me and you. I will fly off task otherwise and end up telling you about what I ate for breakfast.

Here goes!

The description of white hair has already caught my attention! It's very unusual.

“it's not like I could anyways.” - I think you should take the 's' of anyways. It's not actually a word right now.

“She had a red hair tie with a violent coat with dark pink hemlines.” - This is a really great, clear description. I love it! I think it's supposed to be 'violet' though and not 'violent'.

I really love the names you have given your characters. Especially, Winter Rose.

Overall - I am definitely interested by this prologue! I want to know more! My only criticisms would be to check your spellings really carefully before posting. I know it can be hard but it can be distracting for a reader. To help, you can read your work aloud so that you can hear the mistakes that you can't initially see.

I agree with the other reviewers down there...your descriptions are great!

Good luck & I look forward to reading some more of your work soon.

Olive <3

Hey Giselle!

I really like this prologue! I love your description. It's just so... Amazing. You picked very good words to paint the picture in the reader's mind. You caught my interest right away with the first couple of sentences. White hair, white lips, and blood? How could I not be interested? It makes me think she's a vampire with the blood and all.

I guess I'll have to read on to find out, huh? Lastly, I like their names. They're very simple, but they sound really nice and pretty. I'm a sucker for stuff like that.

So, as everyone else said, there are a few grammar errors. I'll just point out two.

The sky was cloudy and the wind had pick up.

Please...if there was such a thing, where is it for me?

Before I say anything, the word "with in" is ONE word "Within"!
Sorry, that was staring right at me

Other than that, just some minor grammatical errors, such as not capitalizing the first word of a sentence. Then in one place you switched tenses: "if there was such a thing, where is it for me?"

That 'is' should be a 'was'

and then this: "But the thing that caught my eyes were the was the color of gold in hers."
Yeah, that makes no sense XD

Other than those and a few other small grammar issues, I do think that this is very interesting. Though short, it does have enough content to pull the reader in and make them interested in what is happening in the scene and in the character herself...
until the very last thing you put about the RR

That ruined the feeling you had set up for your reader and drew them out of it like hitting a wasp nest with a stick. If you want to put something like that, at least put it in quotations, or even make a comment below yourself. Change that, please.

Hope to read more
~Maddie

LeoPenrhythm here to review!!!!!

Okay, on a serious note, good writing...I like the picture that you draw of the girl sitting, all broken, feeling cold ( referring to the hard times in life when people are left broken, lonely) and waiting for a hand of hope, which you very wittily reflect in the following lines

"She smiled at me, standing up offering me her hand. I stared at it, feeling strange. Is this the feeling they called hope?"

Good thought....

I would just like to point out one or two errors that you committed in the story...

1. It is a very common mistake that people make, it is anyway and not anyways..there is no such word...unless of course you attempting neologism

2. "I was taken back when it suddenly spoken."....It will be suddenly spoke..not spoken...

3. "Suddenly the rain stop, the wind began to die down, and the sun began to come out. And for some reason...I began to feel warm." the starting of this line induce a scene in the present tense whereas the rest are in the past tense...so it will be "the rain stopped"....

There are other small grammatical mistakes which I don't want to point out as you can work through them yourself without having being told when you go through it...

Coming again to the third point i mentioned, regardless of the mistake, I like the portrayal of the beginning of a new morn from the darkness of isolation...It this feeling we experience when hope arrives and knocks at our door!!!!

Thank you:-) and keep writing

wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww,cute.though you made some mistakes like"my hair was suck to my face"its supposed to be"my hair was stuck to my face"then in the next paragraph,there was also a mistake there"was it something people feel when they wanted to relied on"could have been "rely on".Other than that girl,your work is great,superb and i can't wait to read more.kudos

Hi Giselle! Here to review this prologue-

So this was a pretty good read, I think the best thing about it was it's very intriguing and and not really something I've read before. I hope you're taking that in a good way xD. But seriously, nobody likes reading the same thing over and over again, but this whole weird woman/shadow idea is very cool and again, intriguing. It definitely makes me want to read on.

It seems logical to start my critiques with the beginning of this story, so

It was raining.

My white hair was suck to my face, my lips pure white as the last remaining pint of blood left them feeling numb. My black dress was clinging on to my body and I hugged my knees to my chest as I lean back against the tree I fell against for support, while trying to keep warm. My fingers felt broken so I tried not to move them too much, it's not like I could anyways.

Through rain, I can see a shadow approaching.

Hey there, I am here to leave a review so be prepared!

Firstly, I really enjoyed this prologue and I think it has set out the possibility for a great story. I'll talk about how much I enjoyed it in a minute. Right now lets look at what you can tidy up.

At the beginning, 'within' is one word not two separate ones.

"What was hope anyway? was it something that people feel when they needed to relied on something when things got tough? or was it just a word to make people believe there was something out there that they can believe in to make things better?"

This section is just victim to a few typos that can easily be changed. Give capital letters to 'was' and 'or' as they are the start of a new sentence. Also I think you meant 'rely on' instead of 'relied' as that word doesn't work in the sentence.


"I was taken back when it suddenly spoken." Here it should be 'spoke' not 'spoken'.

"a violent coat" When you say 'violent' did you mean the colour violet or are you trying to describe it as standing out against the bleak imagery surrounding her? I think you should change it to the colour even if you didn't mean it in the first place. Or change it so that you can add more description about the coat because it currently doesn't work at the moment.

"Suddenly the rain stop," You need to change 'stop' to either 'stops' or 'stopped'.

Now onto the story itself. The imagery here is great and you have given us a little bit of information on Winter's current state of mind and what she looks like however we don't know anything about her past that has lead her to this moment. This is good as we are left with questions that we hope we will find the answer to in upcoming chapters. There is a nice balance of giving us some answers and a whole bunch of questions which leaves us hungry for more rather than wondering what the hell is going on so, well done!

I am super excited to read more of this and can't wait to hear more from these characters you have already introduced. Please let me know when you update more!

~ Valkyrie