Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
It comes when I’m alone
When I close my eyes after a deep breath
I let it drag me into the darkest part of my mind where no one is ever allowed to go
It starts with our intertwine lips and bodies on a soft silky French bed sheet
The softness of your hands as they explore my inner thighs
I would let out a sigh and my eyes would slowly close
Your touch had me mesmerized
At this point I couldn’t help but give in after all those times of denying was truly, and always, belong to me
You look into my eyes, sensing my submission, and hold both of my hands above my head
You start grinding your hips to mine while kissing me, making my head repeat the same word over and over
Oh God
But I know god wasn’t there to help save me from the beautiful torture you decided to put on me
You hold my face so gently in your hands and increase your pace
I could see you searching mine for any reaction or sound to confirm what you’re doing is right
But you have no idea you’re hitting all the right places
Before things can get more heated more passionate
The room would slowly disappear
My vision of my own room would come before me
Everything would cease to exist
Except the feeling of your lips still burning my skin
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey Giselle97. here for a Review Day review,
Positives:Dealing with topic and nature of your poem, the entire thing has this sort of ebbing and flowing feeling that rises in the middle, then falls back down there at the end. Befitting of what you've decided to write about. The text itself even seems longer in the middle section and shorter at the two ends.
Negatives:I would agree with the two other reviewers below, the entire piece just seems like a short story with all of the sentences re-pasted to look like a poem. The writing style itself doesn't really resemble a poem at all, and there's not that advanced feel about thins. There's nothing to really grasp onto and think deeply about, and there's no real flow of language. It's just there.
Looking at it from strictly a writing stand point, we also find that it's kind of the same. It's nothing terrible, by any means, but it's just simple...there. It just exists, but I may not be exactly sure why.
Overall:I feel like you've started a thought or an idea here, but never actually went through with it. A bit more attention to the finer details of writing, especially poetry, will help you to turn this into something.
I give it:
Hello
I felt like I was reading more of a short story then a poem. There was nothing for the reader to dig deeper for because everything was spelled out for us. My advise to you would be to get rid of your complete sentences and keep some of the phrases you have, enough to paint a picture for the read without giving away all of your secrets. Your word choice is great and will help with keeping secrets. I feel that your flow will increase as well. I hope this helps!
Happy Writing!
-M.
This is Kaos here for a review!
So this poem didn't really do anything other than describe physical romance, which didn't really mix with me that well because that's the entirety of the poem. There isn't really anything else for the reader to experience other than that, and that's how I kind of took this as, an experience. It's an interesting concept for a poem with it only being a fantasy of the speaker's mind, but I felt like the execution failed at the fantasy part. It gets heated and intense which is something that the poem should be doing but I want more about the ending of the poem with the speaker coming out of the delusion. I like the surreal imagery that you sort of give us, but I wanted more than just that.
I liked that the speaker didn't just snap right out of it, but it kind of faded. Something that I did want to touch on is the speaker, who doesn't really have a lot of character and nor does the person that this poem is directed to. We don't really get to know either of them because the poem is mostly based on the physical romance that's a delusion. With this, there isn't really a lot of room for interpretation to be filled by the reader, which is something that disappoints me.
Instead of giving everything away to the reader, leave things open but give the reader a gentle push in the right direction. I'm not one to really enjoy reading this kind of romance, but I want you to experiment with this poem, especially that it's the fantasy of the speaker, because you can experiment with that and add more, leaving subtle hints to this before it's finally revealed in the end of the poem. I actually didn't mind the lack of punctuation in this poem, but I think it would do better structurally if you broke it up into stanzas. I wanted to note that this is a little explicit for just a 16+ rating, so I'll be getting back to you about that.
I hope I helped and have a great day!