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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
How cute!!!!
I really really like it^^
The originality and all.
That at those phrases and words all it is telling is all about....CAKE!!!
Hahaha
Thank you
I like this poem, its pretty cute! Oh yeah, allow me to introduce myself. I'm SecreteJournalist, its a pleasure to read your poem. Since I follow anyone I review, consider yourself followed
I honestly do not see any mistakes that have no been commented on in the reviews you have gotten. It took me a minute to get the idea on this poem, but when I did I was like: ohhhhhh that's what it meant! I don't exactly know if I want to know, but out of curiosity, what was your inspiration? But anyway, good job, this is adorable! I am excited to read more by you
Thank you for your review, I wrote this in my writers class and it was a fun prompt, so yeah
Hey Giselle!
I thought that was humorous and creative as well, it was a nice little personal spin.
I think you have a cute poem here and I like the progression to the end when we realize the whole thing is talking about a cake
I think it was also a great decision for you to write the poem mostly using the imperative voice - that really puts us right into the piece, and it made each line that much more powerful. Just be sure you are double-checking your pieces and proofreading. Your first line has a typo: I think you mean "drawer" and not draw xD But no worries, it happens. I'm also not a fan of the continued use of cuz or "ain't" -- it's not that I mind slang or colloquialisms in poems -- I think they're great-- but these just stick out, because the rest of the poem doesn't have the same relaxed/casual sort of tone.
Another thing I think you should watch out for is some of your more awkward phrasings. So for example:
If you can find ONE word that means what I bolded for you, then I think it will greatly improve the flow and awkwardness of this line. Some suggestions: drive, or shove, or drop as just some ideas you can start out with.
The same thing can be said here:
"Put your eyes on something" is a bit awkward phrasing --- you can try: focus! and that will read a lot more clear as well.
Overall, it's a cute poem.
I hope this helps!
~ as always, Audy
I adore this. This entire poem - it's so original and simple, and you have a little "ohhh" moment at the end when you finally get it! I can tell you're a very talented poet just by this alone.
I would suggest adding commas in certain places - definitely not a necessity for poetry, but since you used them for other lines before, I think it would just help your rhythm (which is great btw) improve.
Thank you so much <3
Hey there!
"
) But, really, it was a phenomenal and fun ending.
Silver here with a review! Okay, let me just say this is a lovely little poem you have here; it definitely made me smile at the end. Anyway, let's "dig" in shall we?
I notice you don't have stanzas, which is fine, but I'll break them up into them just for the sake of being easier for me to review.
"Open the draw and take a spoon
Pull up a chair, cus you ain't leaving soon,
Let the clock tick and
your mind wonder"
Fantastic grabber here, it had a great tone. It felt like I was in some sort of old western saloon and you the poet were some sort of tough cowboy challenging me to a fight or something. But that's probably just me. Either way, dynamite beginning.
"Let the feeling of excitement push you over,
Let your stomach decide for once
and put your heart to rest
let your teeth hurt and
your tongue do a little dance"
The part about the stomach was a great hint and added intrigue to your poem. The only thing I would suggest is changing "hurt" to a more interesting verb. Maybe "ache"? I just think it would only enhance this short, but lively piece.
"Put your eyes on something other then work, chicken heads, and booty twerk
and feast your beautiful orbs on something that can take you
past your present and into your future,"
Fabulous imagery with "feast your beautiful orbs", but once again, I would use a different word than "put". For instance, you put "feast" in the second line and it packed a punch; you could do the same in the first line. I also thought the last line was witty, quirky, and mysterious, only drawing the reader further into this wonderful little scene you've created. Great job. On another note, I thought the usage of "booty twerk" was random, unnecessary, and just a tad bit strange.
"Let you skin feel the buzz
and let your ears hear the hum
But finally let your lips linger on the taste
Cus I am one fine cake
Awesome little rhythm in this last stanza, and, of course, the last line really takes the cake. (Okay, I apologize for that one; I couldn't help myself.
Well, this definitely was a pleasant little poem to read! Thanks for sharing, and hope you enjoyed my review, as I thoroughly enjoyed your poem!
Keep writing!
Best of luck,
-Silver
Thank you for your review <3