Funny how insolence can lead to fatality
How longing can lead to blindness
Broken promises turning into sabotage
Unfulfilled truths forming chasms
Glazed eyes flailing to see what is before them
Sugar coated happiness
Lies, facades, disillusion
And pushing the only good thing to the back of your mind
Creeping out of a comatose state
Hands clawing, gasping for breathe
Warily seeking for refuge
And finding it
Finally listening to the voice now screaming in your head
Fingers searching, finding, intertwining
One voice reaching your subconscious
Bringing you back from the brink
Cautious movement
Perplexed at the sincerity
Waiting to be lashed out at
And never being harmed
Wrapping around, encasing self in warmth
Being whispered chants of hope
Warmth and security
Finally being home and leaving the sugar coated happiness far behind.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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141,397 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Hey Avenger ^^ Shina here to do a review
I'll admit that it was the title that really interested me. So let's see if the poem lives up to it ^^
"Turning" is present tense, but it's the wrong tense here. It should be "turn."
Unfulfilled truths forming chasms
*Flailing, or failing?
Sugarcoated is one word. Might want to change that title also.
You need to be more clear about this. I don't know what you mean.
*Breath
This line is a bit long. Shorten it or make a new line.
I'd also suggest breaking this line up a bit.
Overall:
In the beginning you really had a good idea going, but as you got deeper into the poem, the idea started getting lost and changing, and then the end didn't make sense. Work on being clear with your idea. Follow it throughout the whole poem and tie it altogether in the end.
-Shina
Thanks for the review
Hello, I've just read your poem and it's so good! I don't think it had the best flow but what can I say I'm only a humble Novice. But apart from the flow I loved it and I thought the underlying story was very cleverly placed. I look forward to your future work. Keep writing, Moonstar x