Summer Carding in: The Ameythest necklace

Dear Summer Carding,

Were going away for a while, im not sure for how long. But I just need to get way and think something’s through. Please don’t hate us and you’ll find out soon enough. Your dad and I both love you my precious Jewels. Please don’t look for us, we’ll look for you…WE LOVE YOU…lots of kisses to you and Ellie.

Ps.: I want you to know, that I’ve left a gift for you’re socks draw before we left. It’s an amethyst stone necklace with your name engraved into it, I had one made for Ellie too, please give it to her. Please do not tell her anything just as yet and remember do not ever feel scared or alone we are always with you…ok?

P.S.S: Always remember to wear your necklaces it would mean so much to you’re farther.

That’s the last thing I have from mum and dad. And I really am not impressed. How could they leave us at home alone 12 o’clock with no one within a mile that we know. Mum and dad have made our lives a shambles.

Ellie’s bound to notice when she wakes up, she always notices the obvious. I don’t think I can handle this alone.

I made my way to the bedroom and then the phone rang. I’m not sure I should answer it but my hand, as if automatic picks it up and words start pouring from my mouth.

‘Hello? Carding residents’ I say trembling.

‘Is this summer Carding?’ The voice asks but I have nothing to say.

‘Please answer I spoken to your parents and were coming to pick you up ok? Everything is going to be fine for you and little Olli…ok?

‘It’s… Ellie not Olli’

‘I’m sorry and I’m glad its you…summer right?’

‘Where’s mum and dad? Will we be going to them? Where are they now?

‘All will be answered love, when we take you to the...I mean we’ll pick you up and then all you’re questions will be answered…bye for now just stay where you are and we’ll be round’.

And with that the strange voice disappeared. I put the phone down and made my way back towards the room the room seemed strangely darker that usually. I thought that might be because of my tears making my eyes blur.

I walked over to Ellie and just looked at her. She seemed so peaceful and relaxed, what did she know of the hurt and despair she would feel when she wakes up and finds mum and dad gone. My eyes start to water even more as I think about all the things, those happy hours we had had with mum and dad over the weekend. Why would they want to up and leave us in the middle of the night, why couldn’t they have taken us with them?

Just then the doorbell rang. It made me jump, Ellie felt my shock and instantly woke up.

‘Hey why’d you wake me up’.

‘Sorry Elle, I’ll just answer the door…ok? I’ll be back’

‘You know mum and dad say never answer the door late at night, they’ll grill you in the morning’.

But I knew they’re wasn’t going to be a morning with mum and dad. They had abandoned us and now no one could contact them in any way or so the social worker explained when I awnsered the door.

‘Hi summer and Ellie… thanks for letting us in we just need to explain a few things to you before we make any movements’

‘I’m Jan, this is Steve and Warren. Were social workers from the rainbow foster homes.’

Elle looked at me and then looked back at them.

‘It’s ok mum and dad are sleeping in they’re room so we won’t be needing to know al this stuff, sorry for wasting you’re time’

I just sat there still as can be. Mum and Dad had both run off together, like to young loved up couples running away to elope. Only they were young and they needn’t elope as they were already married. They’ve basically run away and while they still had time shopped me and Ellie in to the social.

‘I’m sorry darling, but your mother and farther called us to say to pick you two up, so you see they can be here still. I’m very sorry. Said Jan trying to look as sorry as possible for Ellie’s sake I thought.

Steve suddenly stood up. ‘Jan, Warren we do have to make a move. Look kids you’ll just need to round up a few things…you know clothes and any thing you really feel you need with you.

‘Yes, you might even want to take a family photo or something? Asked warren. I shot him a sharp look as Ellie started crying and ran to the bedroom.

‘Summer how could you not tell me, about all this before they came. Did you know they were coming?’ Said Ellie not even bearing to let me see her tears although I could see her nightie was almost soaked through.

‘Ellie I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I’m just as shocked and hurt as you are. Here…this is the letter mum and dad left to us so we’d know what they’d done. It doesn’t give many clues to where they’ve gone but maybe…

‘Maybe nothing Summer we’ve been dropped and we should just face facts, we’ve got to get on with it now’ Said Ellie as she wiped her face free of salty water.

Ellie was now scaring me, she suddenly started packing the suitcases for us both and was trying to acted un-moved by the event that had taken place. I suddenly thought that maybe she hadn’t read the part of the letter, which talked about the gifts.

‘Ellie…i’ I started to speak but was interrupted by the “Call me Jan” lady.

‘Girls you’re gonna have to hurry a little we’ve really got to get you guys to Gina’s as she’s waiting and it is early in the morn. You’ve got ten more minutes then I’ll be back up ok, to get you.

I quickly fished out the gifts from the sock draw and stuffed it into my rucksack. Ellie had already packed our bags and I had packed the sacks, but for some reason she didn’t lead the way straight out the house. I thought she would as she seemed stronger than I in any sense did.

‘Summer you won’t leave me too will you? Said Ellie.

‘No not never I replied’ Not knowing what would happen with us, but hoping we’d some how survive it together.

We walked towards the doors, I then stopped and looked at Ellie hard.

‘Elle, mum and dad left gifts for us that they wanted us to have’. The gifts came in turquoise felt pouches. We both looked at each other the pulled out the amethyst necklaces, which where on a long piece of purple felt string. We both shed a tear and put them on.

‘I love it’ said Ellie and at that we carried on down the stairs.

Gina’s was foster home in the middle of no where, that ever seen. Not in book’s, magazines or the news. Ellie and me stood stunned at this great big White House. The house was beautifully covered moss. I could tell there were other flowers but I really wasn’t interested as what was going to happen next we didn’t know and everyone was just staring at us.

‘Hi I’m Gina, you know like Gina.G…. Well anyway’s nice to meet you. I’m sure you’ll be fine here young lady’. At that she took my hand and was pulling me away, me and Ellie locked hands and she was pulled too. ‘Um…darling you’ll have to let her hand go dear so I can show you to your room ok?’

‘I’m not leaving my sister, we can share a room we always do’ I said sounding like a wine-ing kid.

‘Im sorry dear, Um…Jan didn’t Tess explain I have only one more place here. The other will have to go to Jerry’s place’ Said Gina.

‘No! I won’t go’ Ellie shouted jumping up and down screaming and bawling.

‘Summer you promised, you said you wouldn’t leave me! I knew this would happen don’t please…please Summer’

Tears started to pours from my eyes as if a shower. They were taking Ellie and I was staying here. There was no more choice in the matter once Warren and Steve got involved and almost dragged her away. I could tell Warren had had enough and wanted to go home. They tried to reason with me to as I tried to make a run, but that was that. I knew Ellie now hated me for lying and that this was not the end of this terrible night. How could our parents do such a thing to the daughters they said they loved so much?

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User avatar
chocoholic
Comment

Okay, I just read the new bit. It was really sweet, the fuss they kicked up about being seperated. You made it very realistic and I could feel the pain.

Again, there were speeling and grammar mistakes. A good way to get rid of them is to put it through a spell checker, or you could get a friend/family member to read through it.

User avatar
Sumi H. Inkblot
Comment

Ummm, see above post. ^

I think I can only get you to see this through example, so I'll re-write a couple of parts for you.

Dear Summer Carding,
Were going away for a while, im not sure for how long. But I just need to get way and think something’s through. Please don’t hate us and you’ll find out soon enough. Your dad and I both love you my precious Jewels. Please don’t look for us, we’ll look for you…WE LOVE YOU…lots of kisses to you and Ellie.

Ps.: I want you to know, that I’ve left a gift for you’re socks draw before we left. It’s an amethyst stone necklace with your name engraved into it, I had one made for Ellie too, please give it to her. Please do not tell her anything just as yet and remember do not ever feel scared or alone we are always with you…ok?

P.S.S: Always remember to wear your necklaces it would mean so much to you’re farther.


Our Dearest Daughters, Summer and Ellie,
Your father and I have taken a surprise vacation, though we're really not sure how long it will last. We just needed to get away and think about things...we love you very much, both of you, our daughters. Don't look for us, we'll find you. We left presents for you- necklaces. Please wear them daily and think of us as we are thinking of you. They're in your sock drawer. Lots of Xs and Os,
Mum and Dad."

Oooch, that wasn't well written, what I wrote. I guess I need time to consider it. Well, hmm, onto the next example.

That’s the last thing I have from mum and dad. And I really am not impressed. How could they leave us at home alone 12 o’clock with no one within a mile that we know. Mum and dad have made our lives a shambles.
Ellie’s bound to notice when she wakes up, she always notices the obvious. I don’t think I can handle this alone.

I made my way to the bedroom and then the phone rang. I’m not sure I should answer it but my hand, as if automatic picks it up and words start pouring from my mouth.

‘Hello? Carding residents’ I say trembling.

‘Is this summer Carding?’ The voice asks but I have nothing to say.

‘Please answer I spoken to your parents and were coming to pick you up ok? Everything is going to be fine for you and little Olli…ok?

‘It’s… Ellie not Olli’

‘I’m sorry and I’m glad its you…summer right?’

‘Where’s mum and dad? Will we be going to them? Where are they now?

‘All will be answered love, when we take you to the...I mean we’ll pick you up and then all you’re questions will be answered…bye for now just stay where you are and we’ll be round’.
And with that the strange voice disappeared. I put the phone down and made my way back towards the room the room seemed strangely darker that usually. I thought that might be because of my tears making my eyes blur.


That's the last thing I had from them. An elopement note.

A tide of great anger rose within me, carrying away all the sadness I felt, at least for the moment. How could they be that stupid? It's the middle of the night, we don't know anybody in miles and they RUN OFF, leaving Ellie's and my own life to rot! They have the gall to leave us behind!

Ellie. Crap.

Half-formed, delirious thoughts seemed to swirl through my consciousness. This was too much.

Ellie would notice. She always did.

I sank down into the sofa and rested my head against the edge, tears welling into my eyes.

"Damn you, Mom and Dad," I whispered hoarsely, dashing away the tears and turning my face to the comforting softness of the couch. "How could you?"

My Morose-code was interrupted by the steady shrill of the telephone, corkscrewing right through the previously still night. I reached up with one hand, wiping my nose with the other and sitting up, a tear still lingering on my cheek.

"Hello?" I asked, trying to sound normal.

"Is this Summer Carding?" I had nothing to say, I only nodded bleakly at the phone. "You there, honey? Your parents have spoken to me, and I'm coming to pick you up. Everything will be fine for you and Olli. Just keep calm and stick around."

"It's....Ellie," I said, finding my voice.

"Oh, that's right, I'm sorry, hon, and I'm glad you answered."

"What about...Mom and Dad?" I asked, the words almost failing in my throat.

"I'll be able to answer everything when I get there, love. Goodbye for now, we'll be there ASAP."

The phone clicked before I could summon a farewell."

See the difference?

Also, aside from everything pointed out up there, when indicating a break in scenes use

*
, as it makes it look cleaner.

That's about all I have to offer, sorry. :(

Sumi

User avatar
chocoholic
Review

Hey, I really enjoyed this story. There were some spelling and puncuation mistakes I saw, but overall it was really good. I love the plot, it's so engaging, and you're writing style is really good.

Normally I would hate it when people jump between different tenses, and I'm sure it's just a small mistake, but I thought that if somebody was going to do it, you pulled it off really well.

Keep writing! :P

User avatar
Sam
Review
Sam wrote a review · Thu May 31, 2007 12:36 am

Hey, Girl_in_pink!

I've got to disagree with Baroness, here- Nancy Drew could be kind of cool, if you play it up a bit. It'd take quiet a bit of work, but I do think it'd do the cool title justice. :D

NANCY DREW WOULDN'T... Forget punctuation! Being the most famous teen detective in the world requires some attention to detail, right? Hah! That's all detectives ever do- look for clues!

NANCY'S LITTLE FIXES: Use this link for dialogue punctuation fixes: http://www.snoink.com/kn/writing/mechanics/1.php. This is also a good site to check out for grammar and writing stuff- Snoinkus rocks. And is usually right.

NANCY DREW WOULDN'T... throw characterization out the window. A good detective must be mindful of peoples' real natures. The note from the mom sounds kind of like Summer forged it- write in a mommish state of mind!

NANCY'S LITTLE FIXES: Listen to how people talk, and write it down- and pay attention to who they are. This'll give you an idea of how people act in real life and how it affects their speech.

NANCY DREW WOULDN'T... ignore emotions and instinct. Sometimes, a good detective must follow her gut.

NANCY'S LITTLE FIXES: Pay attention to the way you feel when you're watching a sad movie. Your chest is kind of heavy, and you can't think of anything besides how horrible the situation is, right? Channel this into the story- don't just describe the emotions (which you should be- analyze everything is something that Nancy lives by)- but describe the physical side effects. You did a good a grand job earlier on in the piece when you described how the room got darker- but how did Summer react when she found the note?

Getting both the physical and emotional responses down is the trick of any good writer- think of it like the weatherman. They're going to say something like "30% chance of showers" when they're really not sure what's going to happen- if it doesn't, it was only 30%, after all...and if it does, it's "Hah! We told you!".

Basically, if that made no sense- it's a way of covering our behinds. That way, if one thing doesn't work, we've got another to rely on and the reader gets the picture, even if they're a bit slower than the average bear.

___

Good job, Girl_in_pink! This was definitely a cool piece- I definitely liked the bond between Summer and Ellie. It'll make for some excellent conflict, I can smell it. :D Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, or if you're going to post more. I'd be happy to take a look!

May I ask why you posted your story several times?

I'm not going to bother combing over the story because by the time I finished, I could have found the end of pi.

1: You really, really, REALLY, have to run stories through a spelling and grammar checker before posting.

It irritates readers and editors to no end and makes your work seem sloppy and uncared for, scaring away potential readers.

2: Make us feel for the characters.

OK, this girl's parents ran away. You say that and Nick is all, "OK, whatever. I hope she dies or something." because you put no emotion into the words or your characters. Heck, if Nick's thinking that, than BOY are you in story trouble.

3: Keep consistent tenses and persons.
You do know what I'm talking about, right? Archae mentioned this before me. Past tense, present tense, etc....well, please keep it consistent. This also applies to first, second and third person. I trust you know what they are.

4: Character development.

A parent's sudden death - or, in this case, absence - is a MAJOR place for character development. So much can happen then- but here you just say the characters cry and then you move on. Next time we see them, they're dry-eyed. (In case you hadn't caught on by now, Nick has an eyetwitch)

In all honesty, girl, don't bother editing. Just scrap it and start again.

By the way, based on the title, I foresee you writing many more...installments...on Summer Carding.
This makes it sound like Nancy Drew meets fanfiction, and, frankly, Nancy Drew fanfiction isn't going to mark well......

Gambatte,
Sumi

User avatar
Archae
Review
Archae wrote a review · Thu May 10, 2007 6:17 pm

Hmm.. Well I read it twice over, that should be enough! :)

Your plot was interesting enough. A set of parents abandoning their children, and leaving them in the hands of a foster parent. That can be developed into something.

There were bad points too... First to note, your characters need a little bit of work. The full shock of knowing that your parents had run away from home must be something incredible to deal with, but I didn't really feel any of that. :idea:

Another thing I noticed was that the story seems to switch from past to present tense at random times... which was odd. :!:

I made my way to the bedroom and then the phone rang. I'm not sure I should answer it but my hand, as if automatic picks it up and words start pouring from my mouth.


'I made my way' is past tense, whereas 'I'm not sure if I should answer it' is present tense. It really gets confusing! :shock:

Those were the main points I noticed. Other things, like checking grammer (Missing comma's, sentances etc.) are things that can be improved with a simple rewrite. But keep at it! It sure has potential

Luffage.

Archae.



Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
— Søren Kierkegaard