Young Writers Society

Hmmm. I think you need to fix the grammar of this poem so here's a neater version -

Mister, you say, "speak when you're spoken to,"
But when I speak you have no time for answers.

Mister, you say my answers make no sense.
But the only sense I have is that you feel I'm beneath you.

Mister, you say I should follow in your footsteps.
But Mister, your footsteps already drown me.

Mister, you say I'm just like you.
But to me Mister, I already feel dead.

Okay, now let's take a look at a few lines and words in more detail. RED is right about the repetition of Mister. Use a different way to describe this man. In fact, tell us a bit more about him through your description. So far all we know is that he's a he and perhaps someone who is usually due respect.

Next, the line '...you say my answers make no sense' doesn't fit with the line that follows - 'But the only sense I have is that you feel I'm beneath you.'

Also, please if you change anything in this poem, change that last line. It's much too cliche and too over dramatic.

In general, your poem is alright but it would be better with more imagery; if it did more showing and less telling as some members of this site are fond of saying.

I agree with Kyte. I liked it a lot. It was short, and consise, and you got your point across without repeating things, besisdes 'Mister' but that was over used. Anyway, nicely done!

[Caitlin]

Well, this is a fresh perspective. The writing is clear and the point gets across. A good poem!