Young Writers Society

this is an amazing story and i cant wait to read more!

just watch out for repeating words like wolf and stuff.

heading in the direction of the clearing where the Deltia Wolfkin made their camp.

The war continued until sunrise, the longest that a war had ever lasted.

Many have pointed out before me about your punctuation and grammar, just look back. I'm sure if you reread what you wrote you would see where to put semi-colons and other punctuation. Not that I mean this in a mean way, I totally understand the whole grammar/punctuation thing. My writing credo is "Write now, Correct Later".
You seem to have a gift of descriptions! The prose was very picturesque. It was almost as if I could feel and see this world around me! Wonderfully chilling writing! I loved it!

Very good! The whole story, the wording...everything kept me totally interested. You did a great job on the first and the last paragraph. Keep writing!

You write good.
The fourth paragraph I think, you use the word 'wolf' too many times.

Not bad though. It can become a nice book.

I like your idea, but this could use some work. It felt like a history book up until about the third paragraph, where it started to get better. I also found it a little confusing in parts, since I kept forgetting where I was in the timeline. But overall, I think this has promise.

terrible bloodthirsty deeds.

The prologue definitely didn't draw me in. It was very wordy, too much detail surrounding what I really need to know. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing (because I can be very wordy too at times) but I think you can write this better It seems like you have the talent to do so anyways!

But besides that, just one other point I want to make at the very end...

The beginning of the new wolfkin, the stronger wolfkin; or maybe the beginning of a story even darker then the first.

Prologue

The night sky glowed with hues of blue and black, as if an artist had painted it, brushstroke by brushstroke. The moon was full and the color of autumn; a harvest moon as some called it, the Takawi Moon to the wolves. The wind stirred the colored leaves, causing a faint rustle to fill the still of the air. It looked to be a regular, peaceful night in the plains and the forest. Yes, that was the way it would look to some, but in truth, chaos and darkness lurked in the shadows of the midnight. Peace was just a distant memory, and hope had deserted long ago. The wolves knew better then to assume peace, night meant danger, and no beast could sleep safely.
In a shadowed area of the forest, many sets of glowing yellow eyes peered out of the bushes and foliage, though none could hear even the slightest breath of any living creature.

Need a little pronunciation help?

Takawi = Ta-kuh-wee
Deltia = Dell-tie-uh
Nynas = Nigh-naz

The wolves were tense, hearts pounding, awaiting just the right moment to strike. It was a rampage of darkness when those allied with the chaotic side of the wolfkin began their hunt. But it was not just prey they hunted, it was the flesh of other wolves. These wolves were said to be mad, killing anything in their way, and it was true. These wolves had the Inealeo: the madness.
Without a warning the fourscore wolfkin charged, running as fast as their paws carried them, heading in the direction of the clearing where the Deltia Wolfkin made their camp. No wolf had time to react as the insane wolves poured into the break of the forest. It was too late for any reaction or general order. The mad wolves wouldn't stop until they were finished with their terrible bloodthirsty deeds.

[s]At one time the Nynas Wolfkin had been sane; maybe even peaceful, neutral as some may say. But that terrible day when the Men-things came, setting out odd meats and foods. The Nynas ate the food, not knowing the dangers that it brought. It wasn't even until the next full moon that they all became mad and would attack any other wolfkin without any warning. They were even known to battle one another and no wolf knew when the spell of Inealeo would leave them, or if it would continue until the entire forest, including the Nynas, had perished in the grip of the terrible madness.[/s]
With a fury of bloodshed, the Nynas battled the Deltia; every wolf tearing one another apart.

The war continued until sunrise, the longest that a war had ever lasted. Both sides were defeated, and at first glimpse it would seem that no beast was left alive from the massacre. But a closer look would show you that in a safe den, tucked in a hollow log and covered with leaves and vines, two frightened pups huddled together, both of them no more then six moons old. The forest was quiet as morning dew covered the ground and the only living things for miles around were the two cubs. The beginning of the new wolfkin, the stronger wolfkin; or maybe the beginning of a story even darker then the first.

I meant to get to this earlier, but I'm here now, and so I will critique.


Interesting little start, and I liked how you ended it as well. The beginning at first felt a tad cliche, but that quickly faded, so no real worry there.

The moon was full and the color of autumn

...chaos and darkness lurked in the shadows of the midnight.

But that terrible day when the Men-things came, setting out odd meats and foods.

The beginning of the new wolfkin, the stronger wolfkin; or maybe the beginning of a story even darker then the first.

The fourth paragraph uses the word "wolf" way too much. Other than that, I think Claudette pretty much got everything. This was a pretty cool piece though, Gingivere.

Keep up the good work.

Thank you so much! I knew I had messed up in a lot of places, thank you for your very good critique so I could find out exactly where. I'll go back and fix all those errors.

Nice disclaimer You don't really need it, no one will steal...

The moon was full and the color of the autumn

The wind stirred the colored leaves on the trees

It looked to be a regularly peaceful night in the plains and the forest.

Every one of the wolves were tense, hearts pounding [comma] awaiting just the right moment to strike.

It was a rampage of darkness when those allienced [should there be a 'with' here? also 'allienced' doesn't come up in my spell check, are you sure its a word?] the chaotic side of the wolfkin began their hunt

These wolves were said to be mad; killing anything in their way, and it was true.

Without a warning, no hint, no notice, the fourscore wolfkin charged, running as fast as their paws carried them, heading in the direction of the clearing where the Deltia Wolfkin made their camp.

waking the sleeping and alerting those who were on watch with their bays and how

The mad wolves killed anything in their path, and wouldn't stop until they were finished with their terrible bloodthirsty deeds.

It wasn't even until the next Fekawi (full moon) they all became mad

They were even known to battle one another, and no wolf knew when the spell of Inealeo would leave them,

With a fury of bloodshed and fur flying, the Nynas battled the Deltia [colon] every wolf tearing one another apart.

The war continued until the dawn, the longest that had ever happened.

The dawn was still as the dew covered the ground, and the only living things for miles around were the two wolf cubs.