CHAPTER TWO
The man stood up and walked toward her. Pandora wrapped her self tightly in the unfamiliar blanket. The man stared at her with a it of a smile. Her hair still damp and her clothes missing she held the blanket tight. He threw a robe at her. It was long, black and silky. She stood up quickly wrapping it around and tying the strings tight together.
"Where are my clothes?" She asked the tone of her voice shaky with fear and with coldness. The man just smiled.
"In the drier, with my clothes. I hope you don't mind." He spoke softly. She just nodded. Pandora was confused. She looked around the room she was in then noticed her bag. She just was caught in thinking. That was until he looked into her eyes. That blackness came back again. But before she passed out she heard that laugh, again. She saw her family again yelling, screaming. She kept crying, sobbing out the same words. She opened her eyes still on her knees. She felt that anger again. Her nails dug into her scalp her fingers entwined in her hair. She stood up and looked at her sister. She inhaled deeply and ran toward her sister. Grabbing her sister by the hair she bashed her skull into the ground. She kept bashing her head harder and harder. Her head starting cracking the skin around it tearing. Blood pooled out onto her hands. Slowly the head was turned into a bloody pulp atop of a dead body. Breathing heavy still she looked at her dad. She stood up quickly and ran at him. Pandora grabbed his hair and twisted him around. Grabbing the left side of his head with her right hand and doing the same with teh left she twisted hard until she heard a loud snap. She let his body drop with a thump. Mom was next for her. She tackled her to the ground hard and sat atop of her. She drew her fist back and punched her in the face hard. She opened her fist and ripped at her face feeling the skin peel off under her nails.
"You did made me a monster!" Pandora screamed still ripping her mom still alive screaming with her. She stopped and listened to the sobs and the screams. She took a spare pen from her pocket and stabbed her in the forehead hard. "Look what you did!" she screamed once more. The blood dripped off her hands. She panted deeply take in every scent of sweat and blood. That feeling of adrenaline ran through her veins. She just sat there angry. slowly a light made everything faded away. She stood in an all white room. In front of her stood herself. Not a reflection as if a clone that did everything she did. the other her cocked her head. Then gave out a piercing scream. It screamed and screamed and screamed and never stopped screaming. Then everything stopped and faded. she opened her eyes on the floor again. She looked up at the man.
"You seem to really like passing out on me, you know who I am don't you?" He spoke. Pandora shook her head. He smiled and flipped a top hat onto his head. He bowed and popped a cane out of his sleeves. He limped toward her and grabbed her hand. More memories came back. She saw the man smiling at her with the same hat and cane. she saw her five year old self running toward him. She hugged him laughing.
"I love you Uncle Thomas..." That threw Pandora into a bit of happiness. She smiled and ran at the man who was apparently her Uncle. He just laughed.
"Well you didn't kill me yet..."
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow. The way you portrayed these feelings running through the MC was great. But why did the MC kill her family? Was she holding a grudge against them? How did she end up at Uncle Thomas's, and is this a take on the Greek Mythology of Pandora's Box? I enjoyed reading this story, and I'm guessing Uncle Thamas is washing her clothes because of the blood, or am I mistaken? Who did the MC stab with the pen? Your writing kept me on the edge of my seat, and by the time i=I was done reading, my eyes were a bit fuzzy!
Where was the MC when she killed her family? Was she in a hospital or was she remembering? I think it might have helped a bit to mention her name somewhere in here, perhaps ne of the family member screaming it at her or Uncle Thomas mentioning it? Keep writing! I'd love to read more! ~Cheez_Burger~
Firstly, please rate your work. You didn't assign this work a rating, and it needed a rating of (at the very least) 16+. I gave it an 18+ rating due to how explicit the violence is.
In any case, I'm very confused. Is she in a mental hospital having a flashback, or is this all going on in real-time? You should spend more time giving your readers a clue as to the setting of the story.
You also really need to proof-read this. There are a ton of spelling errors, and that's almost inexcusable given the ease of running a spell-checker these days.
The end is also very odd. You go from the girl committing very violent acts to jokes. It caught me off-guard and doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
So you have a lot of editing to do. However, I do like the emotion behind the story. It's very powerful, but unfortunately, the spelling and grammatical errors take away from it.
Hello.
For the beginning of this chapter, it is OK. It's a little bit choppy, so I suggest you reword it to something like "The man stood up and walked towards her. Pandora wrapped herself tightly in the unfamiliar blanket. The man started at her with a bit of a smile. Her hair was still damp, her clothes were missing. She held the blanket tighter, with realization of this. He threw a robe at her. The robe was long, black, and silky. Quickly, she stood up, wrapped the robe around her, and tied the strings tightly."
If i am correct, i believe that the word drier is spelled dryer.
I want to point out two things about this.One, You kind of lost me at the "she was caught in thinking" part, so i dont know what you would mean. Is she thinking so much that she is just now taking in her surroundings? And two, This part is a little bit choppy.I suggest you reword it to flow better, like something of this sort:
"She looked around the room she was in, and then noticed her bag. She was caught up in her thoughts, until the man looked into her eyes. The blackness came again. Before she passed out, she heard the laugh, once again."
Once again, this is a little choppy. I would say something like : Her nails dug into her scalp, her fingers were entwined in her hair. She stood up and looked at her sister, then inhaled deeply and ran towards her."
Just a few forgotten commas and other little words.
I am sorry if i offended you in any way, but these few things popped out at me.
Other then that, your work is REALLY, Really good. Keep It up!