Published September 30, 2007
His voice is sweet like honey,
Smooth and delicious.
The beat of his heart;
Creating the tempo for my fortress.
"Do I make you feel safe?"
"You make me feel like no-one else is alive."
My reply is lemon juice;
Mixing with his voice,
To create a warmth I never knew.
[Okay: Note this. People have been saying that they're confused be this poem but just think of the drink; Honey & Lemon and I think you'll catch the drift. Thanks for all the improvement tips.]
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141,428 Literary Works • 674,410 Reviews
Wow
Everyone seems to like the improvments
Hehe, thanks everyone.
Wowie, much better than it was beforeeor
Good job of imrpoving!
Byes, from Sarah
x
Wow! I love it SO much more now! I think this is the best imrpovement in a poem I've ever seen here! EXCELLENT!:) I feel proud of you.
I have only two suggestions, and they are not crucial but they bug me a little: "You make me feel like no-one else is alive."
Maybe shorten this to "Like no-one else is alive."? I mean, you are just repeating his question in your answer... and this actually makes the poem flow better, don'tcha think?
The beat of his heart;
This line sorta confused me a bit...maybe changed beat into beating or rhythm or throbbing???
Excellent work!
Short and sweet. Very nice. I think the edits were a good move. Points for originality on the "lemon juice" reference. Too often writers choose to resort to clichés because they can't think of anything new or they can't be bothered to think of anything new. I admire those who choose to forge new paths, even though it's a pain in the butt. I know. I've tried, and sometimes it doesn't work so I have to fall back on the old standbys.
I followed some of the advice given and managed to edit this. Is it any better do you think?
Thanks anyway everyone for all of your helpful tips, I appreciate it.
I agree with what some others have said about parts of this being a little tired, a little cliche. But I think what you have at the core is good. It's just surrounded by a lot of unnecessary stuff, and it could be supported better. Here, crossed out, is what I think you should ditch:
His voice is sweet like honey,
[s]Smooth and delicious,
Filling me with sickly pleasures.
Arms surround me protectively,[/s]
The beat of his heart;
Creating the tempo for my fortress.
"Do I make you feel safe?"
[s]Sweet notes slip through my heart,
Which is beating so fast;
I fear it'll burst from my chest.[/s]
"You make me feel like no-one else is alive."
My reply is like lemon juice;
Mixing with his voice,
To create a warmth I never knew.
The rest is decent. Atfer you work on saying things without using cliches or tired phrases, you should create a richer poem by using more realistic depth of emotion. Right now it's kind of a lovey-dovey poem, an "awww" poem supported only by the honey-and-lemon simile. Two main things will make it loads better:
1. Depth of emotion. It should be realistic; your speaker should behave like a real person would. Does your speaker have any doubts? Is she surprised to feel this way? (I sort of got surprise from the end--"I never knew"--but if that's the intent, bring it out more.)
Does she think that he might have doubts? Love is prominent here...what can you contrast or pair it with? Nervousness? Insecurity? Surprise? Happiness? Nostalgia? Hopefulness? Anger?
2. Imagery/concrete language. I know I cut out the part about the "arms surrounding," but your intentions were good there. Your readers will be able to understand the "love" and "protection" element just fine, but what we need is something to hold on to.
We want to feel, see, and hear--and you must keep in mind that the words you use to help us do that should be specific and concrete. Instead of "His arms surround me protectively," you could describe how strongly he is embracing the speaker, or what he is wearing, or how he smells or where his arms are.
Keep working on it!
-Colleen
I was very confused with this poem I really don't get it.
His voice is sweet like honey,
Smooth and delicious,
Very descriptive.
Filling me with sickly pleasures.
Arms surround me protectively,
The beat of his heart;
Sickly pleasures that word seems to rot in the stanza and effects the poems mood. Protective and security and love then you mix lemon juice with sickly pleasures it kind of ruins the mood.
Creating the tempo for my fortress.
"Do I make you feel safe?"
Sweet notes slip through my heart,
Which is beating so fast;
I fear it'll burst from my chest.
This sentence gives me the feeling of love and desire and is also a very good description.
"You make me feel like no-one else is alive."
My reply is like lemon juice;
Mixing with his voice,
To create a warmth I never knew.
Lemon juice= warth? I don't get it.
other than that great description good structure and rythm. Good Job? lol
"I actually really dislike this and I think I'm gonna just delete it and start over. I guess I was trying too hard; even I admit that.
Gosh."
Good lord, don't delete it, it's nice
Pshh
x
I actually really dislike this and I think I'm gonna just delete it and start over. I guess I was trying too hard; even I admit that.
Gosh.
"His voice is sweet like honey,
Smooth and delicious,
Filling me with sickly pleasures.
Arms surround me protectively,
The beat of his heart;
Creating the tempo for my fortress."
Oof, i love this first bit. The descriptions are great. Smooth and delicious makes me think of galaxy bars. ^-^
""Do I make you feel safe?"
Sweet notes slip through my heart,
Which is beating so fast;
I fear it'll burst from my chest. "
I like this but the "Which is beating so fast" seems to sounds wrong to me, maybe make it into a similie as gadi said.
"Mixing with his voice,
To create a warmth I never knew."
I didn't really get the lemon juice bit :/. But that's probably just me.
All in all good job
x
Weird I have mixed feelings I will review later.
I don't know what it is about this part. It seems out of place from the rest of the stanza that goes 6-6-6-8. And also this is cliched, too many times have I seen people describing their heart bursting from chests. Go about it a different way.
This really stuck out. When I think of lemons I always come up with 'sour'. So is that what you wanted to point through? Or was it supposed to be something like the 'sweet honey' of his voice? Something that'll go with honey since you have:
Apart from that it was lovely to read.
Haha! This poem can be comical and true in the same time. Who would've thought of mixing lemon juice and honey? (I didn't!)
Anyways, to the review...
There's a problem with this poem. It's sort of...well, it's hard to put it into words, but the main thing is that I was reading it, and the only thing that came to my mind was flowing lemon juice, a rich bottle of honey, and the computer screen. I would compare this poem to a beautiful sunrise in Paris--to a resident who's seen it 34988 times in his lifetime. Do you understand? The concept was so familiar, and the beauty of it was so out-of-the-place, that it seemed rather unmemorable, y'know? I liked it, I have to say. Loved it maybe.
"sickly pleasures"? elaborate on that please.
"Which is beating so fast;" add a simile here. "Which is beating like a darting cheeta", etcetera.
"My reply is like lemon juice"= "My reply is lemon juice."
This was nice. It was short, but sweet. (chuckle)
As always, there were a few little annoying things. "My heart felt like it would burst from my chest" is so tired. Think of something else. Also, why "no-one"? Is that just the way you write, or is there a reason?