Just to let you know.. and this has nothing to do with the poem below, I have posted the third part of the Change of Placr series. "Friends and Foes".. Check it out if you're interested or have read the first two. =]
Thanks,
Lizzy
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Wandering the halls,
Hands clasped behind my back,
Looking up at the paintings,
Of houses and families,
And reports about animals.
Bright backgrounds and borders,
Some of the staples loose,
All of the neatest work displayed,
For those proud and belated,
Little geniuses.
Same smells still linger here,
Musky and old as it fills the air,
Reminding me of the old days,
And the even older teachers,
When I was a little genius.
Now here I stand,
In new and more colourful surroundings,
Picturing the old halls,
And the crisp new work on the walls,
Where my son now attends.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I very much like the idea of this
As i like it when you mention your son at the end
(That sounds as if you have a son; i hope you don't, your 15)
Anyhoo, good work (Y)
x
This was nice. Your descriptions are very good, especially in the first and second stanzas.
I didn't like "belated,
little genius."
as it sounded odd, and it didn't make much sense to my mind.
I think stanza three was weak in comparison, and change "when I was a little genius", though I can't really explain why... I'd also say "The same smells".
I know this will sound harsh, so I apologise in advance, but I'd scrap the last verse and rewrite it completely, but I think that this is just a matter of personal taste. If you're to keep it, I'd change the last line to "At theschool my son attends", as it's clearer.
This poem was... a little bit below OK. It took me up until the last stanza to really get what was going on, which is bad, because in the last stanza you flat out told us what was going on. Showing is better than telling. I couldn't really feel anything about this poem, get anything away from it. I noticed you spoke of a scent, but I couldn't smell it, or imagine myself there. Try to add more imagery, and express your surroundings better. Express the emotions in a more unique way than telling. Paint a picture of the school, your walk through it, your feelings of the son being there, and through the picture show us what you think of it.
As always, I suggest you read more poetry! Best of luck.
I think you should talk about the school more. There not much detal in this. I think you should change the title.
Bravo! I think free verse poetry might catch on. Great poem, and I like the way you mention your son at the end.