His writing is crisp,
Sharp upon the page,
As it etches those lines in my heart,
Causing pain.
Compliments and love,
Sprawled out in italics,
Words of adoration and complication,
Causing friction.
I've gone away for weeks,
But you are my one and only,
Look after our babies and I shall return,
Causing heartache.
Fight for king and country,
They proclaim on the radio,
The thieves of fathers and husbands,
Causing worry.
Fires blaze in their guns,
Send sparks to their hearts,
And fill them will terror and woe,
Causing grief.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
I like it, but I'm not sure about the ends of the verses. I don't think they properly conveyed the worry and heartache and grief, and all the other things they mentioned. Maybe try doing this through imagery, look at the little movements of your characters, and see if they can show us what thy're feeling without us being told.
The first two stanzas were particualily good. I especially enjoyed the first three lines of verse two.
You really built up to the climax in the last verse, but I think that your last line diminished it, and stopped it from fulling hitting home.
I hope this helps.
I disagree with what evereyone else has said. I liked the sharpeness of it. You had a good word choice.
The only two things I found was the sudden change between the 2nd and 3rd stanzas. I think it needed to flow more into one another.
And also the line:
I just didn't like it and it really interrupeted the flow of the rhyth. It just seemed to cliche. I've seen it before, even in some of my own word(this line I mean).
I really liked the idea for this poem though. It is pretty interesting.
Well done (:
This is a little too GARGH SERIOUS for me.
Still it was good, but i didn't really get it.
I like this bit,
It sounds good and flows well and all.
Anyhoo, off i go
Yeah, this piece is a very prose-like in places. Optimally, you want poetry to be as poetic as poosible, right?
Friction is just such a... I don't know, a physics word. It doesn't strike me as fitting in a soft, flowing poem like this.
Perhaps if you put this in quotation marks it would be a little clearer, as this is what is in the contents of the letter, yes? The line about "babies" is a little... I don't know, again, prosaic. Perhaps "children" or something? I guess it's just because my little sophomore English teacher always referred to us gleefully as "her babies," so that's what I associate it with. I guess what I'm saying is it's not a very serious word to me.
I think you could work on your word choice a little more, but you have a very nice starting concept. Just try to pick vocabulary that pinpoints what you're trying to say. Nice poem. <3
There is emotion in this piece but you need to find a more poetic way of putting it forward.
It's too raw for me. It's very on the edge, and I can feel the emotion, but it's too sharp. A poem shouldn't just tell me things, it should sing them. Just add detail and flavor, and it should be fine!