Published September 29, 2007
I didn't love you,
Not yesterday, or last week.
You didn't touch my heart,
Or make me weak at the knees.
I wouldn't kiss you,
Because your lips are venomous.
Pull me into a spiral of lust,
That is all but an illusion.
You didn't make me scream,
I was just acting out.
Lulling you into a false sense,
Of passionate insecurity.
You didn't want me; it was a need,
We didn't 'make love'.
Just re-enacted your fantasies,
That don't include your wife.
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Hm, the rhythm was actually quite strange in this, but I absolutely love the idea; it's pretty original I must say and I just stumbled upon it while searching through the masses of poetry.
I think you do need to sort the rhythm out just a little bit more but apart from that I think you chose a nice and rather passionate subject to touch upon. I think I might look up some more poetry by you; I'm not much of a poetry person so maybe it'll get me into it.
Mischief x
Oh and I haven't heard that before?
Nevermind; it seems that quite a few people were discomforted by this poem and I'm not saying it;s my best work - although I tried my hardest. And about the typo? I'll get right to that; like I say, typo.
Thanks for the tips everyone and Brad, thanks to you mainly because I believe it is the first time you have posted how I should improve my work and I like when people do that; because then I can improve it and show them that they really like it, but seriously - you're very technical.
Much love everyone.
GingerLizzy,
The preachy, second-person narrative is like a shot of strychnine. It derails not only the atmosphere that could have been set up, but also the theme of the poem (whatever it was you had in mind.).
There must be some subtlety injected to get your (presumed) point across. Ask yourself what is it that you are trying to convey here? There's no point of revelation, no particular insight, just a description that doesn't say much of anything.
Lastly, these descriptions for a relationship on the brink of nada: what gives? Did you sit down and watch the Lifetime channel and regurgitate every clichè that popped up?
Also, it's "your", not "you're."
Wish it weren't so, but this is probably comfiest in the nearest trash can.
Best,
Brad
This is a very good poem, something you might find in a poetry slam. Rythm isn't necessary all the time with poetry, especially with dramatic poetry. It's all in the deliverence.
I like the topic because it explores something most people don't like to talk about and it comes from a perspective that most people don't experience or understand.
I have a couple suggestions on the type of poem you could make this into. My first suggestion is making this a two, or even a three voice poem. Give us the perspective of the cheating husband, and the heart broken wife. That will definitely add flavor and strength to the whole thing. You could also try a phantoum, which says everything twice:
1. For all quatrains except the first, the first line of the current quatrain repeats the second line in the preceeding quatrain; and the third line of the current quatrain repeats the fourth line of the preceeding quatrain.
2. In addition, for the final quatrain, its second line repeats the (so-far unrepeated) third line in the first quatrain; and its last line repeats the (so-far unrepeated) first line of the first quatrain.
Thus the pattern of line-repetition is as follows, where the lines of the first quatrain are represented by the numbers "1 2 3 4":
1 2 3 4 - Lines in first quatrain.
2 5 4 6 - Lines in second quatrain.
5 7 6 8 - Lines in third quatrain.
7 9 8 10 - Lines in fourth quatrain.
9 3 10 1 - Lines in fifth and final quatrain.
In this example, we have 5 quatrains. You could have more. You could have fewer. This is a bit harder to do, but if you get it, you can have a really powerful poem.
I like the idea/story in this..but it didn't flow to well..y'know..the rhythm and all.
The last line doesn't fit i think...
x
Wow I really like it! It didn't have much of a rythm, but I don't think poems have to have a rythm. I really liked it
I do like this, because of the concept mostly. But it seemed really jumpy and I didn't get a whole lot of feeling from it because you didn't take time to describe each feeling. I agree with Wesley that you need to add rhythym so that it flows better, it would be much more enjoyable to read. So, just add description, this would do well with a rhyming pattern as well...but that's just a suggestion lol.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I don't feel a rythm it sounded like just a lot of primiscuos adultery mixed poeticly. As far as content it was okay but I don't like the topic.