z

Young Writers Society



Savage

by GingerLizzy


Just something silly, that I admit I didn't take seriously. I don't like writing poems that don't rhyme. Hehe ^^ Be nice.

GingerLove

------

Lost remnants lay about the ground,
I look for signs of life,
And find to my surprise and rage,
Red smears upon his face.

He denies all through clenched teeth,
That are flecked with fleshy bits.
To my digust, annoyance and longing,
There the remains do lie.

I run across to save my love,
Thinking it's too late; oh no.
But sigh with desperate relief,
To see my cherry pie intact.


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188 Reviews


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Mon Sep 24, 2007 6:30 pm
sarahcrosbeh says...



Nice
Good idea
Funny :)




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Mon Sep 24, 2007 9:07 am
Jasmine Hart wrote a review...



Lol. Very good! I love the first stanza, it flows really well. I liked the internal rhyme of "rage" and "face."
I'd omit "That are" from the second stanza. I'd also change teh last two lines of this verse, because I think that teh third line is too long. Maybe omit "annoyance." I'm also not sure about the phrasing of "There the remains do lie", it sounds a little odd...
The last verse is very effective and humourous. I'd omit "Oh no", for the sake of the flow, and I'd chaneg "desperate" to a one syllabyl word. Hope this helps.




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Sun Sep 23, 2007 12:42 am
Gadi. wrote a review...



AMAZING! So satiric, in an unpolitical and subtle way. :) Loved it.

SUGGESTION: Make us understand more from the first two stanzas. They were really confusing, so the end didn't come as funny as it should have for me.




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Sat Sep 22, 2007 11:56 pm
canislupis says...



HAHAHAHA!
Very unexpected. I don't really have any negative comments for this, I loved it.




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Sat Sep 22, 2007 10:07 pm
Someguy says...



Ha ha. Very funny. Didnt expect a pie.

Very good imagery. Cant find anything wrong.
Good





Tons of cowering! Plus your name in the summer programme. A custom-designed banner. A cabin at Camp Half-Blood. Two shrines. I'll even throw in a Kymopoleia action figure.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus