Published April 8, 2008
Something a little quirky. From a male point of view too. Oh my. Completely different to my usual stuff. Keep comments coming.
It's been a year and time has come,
For me to turn my tail and run!
No, I'm joking, please don't fear;
Of course I'll meet your parents, dear.
Your mother will be charmed by me,
With my show of sensitivity.
Me and your father will bond like clay
As we sit and watch the Red Sox play;
But please don't tell the guys at work.
They'll treat me like a total jerk!
Your parents will just watch in awe,
As I prove you are one to adore.
And later on that very night,
When we're in bed, I'll hold you tight.
And utter words you knew you'd hear;
Let's stay away for one more year.
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141,406 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
I love the first stanza the most; the rhyming is so precise and perfect! I found this poem incredibly sweet.
These two are the only weak ones I see, they stand out in the bad way. They break the rhyme pattern and the second one seems very wordy and it took me a minute to understand what you were trying to say.
The rhythm's a little off, but I thought this was the cutest poem! I love your word choice.
My favorite part!
Keep writing, I'd love to see more!
This is great, Lizzy. I love the story and the tone. The rhythm, as has been said, is a little off. Try reading it aloud so you get a sense of how it sounds. I think I'd change;
"time has come,"
to "the time has come."
I think the lsecond line of this stanza is weak and I'd look at changing it.
I love;
"No, I'm joking, please don't fear;
Of course I'll meet your parents, dear."
I don't think you need "with" in the next stanza. I'm not sure about;
"bond like clay"...I know you're trying to rhyme, so I'll go along with clay...maybe try "gel" or "mesh" intead of "bond". I'd change the start of the next line to;
"We'll sit".
I love;
"But please don't tell the guys at work." but the next line is a bit weak... I'm not sure what I'd suggest as I think the rhyme is important to the piece as a whole...
I love the last line.
Good humourous punchy stuff. I really enjoyed it.
Hope this helps.
Jas
Wow, this was sweet! You pull off this rhyming thing really well. I disagree with Rickage about that couplet, however. I would change it to "Your father and I". Not only is it grammatically correct, it sounds better. Also, that semi-colon should be a comma because "But" is the next word. I'd also change the last semi-colon to a colon. I think I have some bizarre aversion to semi-colons, though, so that might actually be okay grammatically.
One last thing I noticed: "awe" and "adore" don't rhyme unless you adopt a very odd accent. Also, the rhythm's off.
Overall, great job! Keep writing!
I really liked this. It's a sweet and loving poem about you meeting your lover's parents and how their mother will love you and their father will bond with you. I like the rhythm and rhyming you used in this piece. There's one line that kind of falls off key. I'll qoute it for you.
"As we watch the Red Sox play" will get it back to key.
Other than that, it's really good. Keep up the good work.
-Rick,