Published August 22, 2007
Okay, so I'm not so good at the whole poetry scene and most of my attempts are simple and only short. I'm not the kind of person who sits with a piece of paper and thinks what to write about, I just sit and type whatever comes into my head. So, apologies in advance, and thanks for reading.
-Lizzy
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He saw me blushing and laughed,
Nudged me on the forearm with his elbow.
You've got a crush, he shouted loudly,
Wiggling his eyebrows cheesily at the passerby.
I looked away, my stomach twirling,
Dancing the Salsa while I tried to calm the redness.
He was still laughing, his arm draped around me,
As I clung close, wondering if he'll ever want to be more than just friends.
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
I really loved the word play and such in your poem. "my stomach twirling,
Dancing the Salsa". The wording is so much better than just saying that you have butterflies in your stomach.
I was a little confused with what perspective you were trying to use in the poem though, as in, do you really like him as more than a friend, or does he like you as more than a friend, but you like him just as a friend? I think that you should be more clear about that in the poem...
I also loved the fact that this poem is very relatable to fellow teens, as mostly everyone will have the same encounter as you have described in your poem.
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem and I could relate to it as well, but I would be a little more clear as to what perspective you are using in the poem.
-Mariah-
The Anemoi Mistress
Alright. First off, this poem sort of confused me. Does the guy mean that she has a crush on HIM or another guy? Maybe I just misunderstood. Second off, I like your description on things. The way you describe things makes things come "alive." All together, I enjoyed reading your poem. Nice job. Just work on a few things that I pointed out along with nickelodeon pointed out.
Stephanie
I'm not really sure who is who in this, i was a little confused. But i like it
Gosh, my reveiw isn't very technical x]
Short, sweet, and to the point. =)
I'm not totally sure what's going on the whole time. Who does he shout that she has a crush on, the passerby? If so, clarify. If not, definitely clarify.
You have some pretty creative wording, which is definitely a plus in my opinion.
The second line in the second stanza, "Dancing the Salsa...". I'm pretty sure you don't need to capitalize "Salsa."
I think, overall, this might be better if it were longer and told more of a story. Right now, it's got sort of a mystery around it. Who are they? Who are they talking about? What's happening? Give the reader more information, even if it requires adding a few stanzas.
So to conclude... Nice wording, as stated earlier. This defintely could be a good poem. Consider the suggestions, and good luck with it!