Day One; The Loner and The Bully
“Got your books?”
“Yes.”
“How about your lunch?”
“Yes, now can I please go?”
Dana straightened up and hastily righted a curl in her sister’s hair, sweeping a lock of her own from her eyes.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay? Do you want me to come with you, I don’t mind?”
“Ugh, you’re so annoying.” Freda grumbled, pushing her big sister away and running to stuff her feet into her shoes. It was her first day at Danvers Middle School and she was nervous enough without her idiot sister faffing around her.
“Don’t forget; I’m at college till four tonight. You’ll have to go to Toni’s house or something until I get back.” Dana called to her, slowly beginning to pack her own bag full of books and pens.
“’Kay, I’ll see you later then!” Freda shouted, swinging their blue front door open and racing out onto the street, nearly colliding with Toni, a red haired freckled boy.
“Hey ‘Eda. C’mon, we’re gonna be late!” He rushed alongside Freda, panting as they ran towards the school grounds.
Dana watched them with a half hearted stare as she swung the front door shut behind her. After quickly leaving a cup of tea by her bed, she had left her Mother asleep; the doctor said that this was nature’s best remedy, but it didn’t seem to be working. With a sigh, she began walking down the road, pulling her headphones on and switching up her music.
”Show me how defenceless you really are…”
While listening to her music, she was completely lost to reality. To the sounds, and the sights, even her own feelings; she just went numb. She liked it that way. Their mother had come down with a bout of pneumonia, but had refused to go into hospital, so she lay in bed day in and day out, only waking up to eat. Dana looked after her sister as best she could, but with college, her part-time job and a social life, it was getting hard.
”Let’s give this another try!”
The music died down as she pulled her headphones off and waded through the crowds of people walking into the college grounds. It was a modern building of purple and cream brick, with a chatty air floating around between friends.
Dana pulled her hair back roughly with a clip and sat down on a low wall, pulling a book from her bag and flicking through to her book mark. With the sun warming her back, she sat contently, entering the fantasy of her book.
“Dana!”
“Mm?” She peered up to see Erin bounding over to her, dragging along her boyfriend, Pete, a sheepish looking boy with an extremely good sense of humour.
“What the hell are you doing? Who reads books in this weather? We should be lapping up some rays!” Erin beamed, pushing Pete onto the wall and sitting on his knee, playing with a strand of his long brown hair. Dana held a smile and shut her book, slipping it back into her bag. It was no use trying to read with her around.
“I was catching up on some work for English, actually.”
“Pfft, and that’s any better how? You try way to hard Dana; you could easily pass your exams!” Erin smiled brightly and encouragingly towards her, before kissing the tip of Pete’s nose. “Don’t you agree, baby?”
“Huh? Oh, sure. It’s not your fault you’re a geek, Dana.” Pete replied lightly, shooting a grin to Dana and receiving a blow to the head from Erin. They laughed lightly together and Pete ruffled up Erin's curly blonde hair, making her squirm away and stick her tounge out at him. Dana smiled momentarily, watching them mess around; they were probably perfect for each other.
“Hey, I hear there’s a new boy in school.” Erin said, patting Pete’s head better and peering thoughtfully across at Dana.
“Oh? How strange.” Dana replied lightly, rising from the wall as the shrill of the bell began to sound. “Well, I’ll see you later I suppose.” Yawning, she wandered off into the crowds and headed toward her English class.
“Why is she such a loner, anyway?” Pete pondered, standing and beginning to walk to his class with Erin.
“She’s been like that ever since her Mum got sick. I’m sure she’ll be alright…” shrugged Erin, kissing his cheek and bounding off to her next class.
"Mm." He murmured quietly to himself, watching Dana slide into her classroom before making his way to his own.
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Would be better as something like, "Ugh, you're so annoying," Freda grumbled. She pushed her big sister away and ran to put on her shoes.
Never heard the word "faffing" before. Did you mean "gaffing"? Or is that really a word? Because I couldn't find it in the dictionary...
Dana watched them with a half-hearted stare as she swung the front door shut behind her.
Would flow better if it were something like: Dana roughly pulled her hair back with a clip, and sat down on a low wall. She pulled a book from her bag and flicked through it until she reached her bookmark.
"Humour" is generally spelled as "humor". And this sentence didn't feel right. I would have liked it better as something like: "What?" She peered up to see Erin bounding over to her, dragging along her boyfriend Pete. He was a sheepish-looking boy with an extremely good sense of humor.
I didn't like the word "probably" in there. The couple is is perfect for each other or they aren't.
This piece wasn't exactly enthralling, but it wasn't bad. Of course, you've only just begun, so the plot could improve.
Hey Ginger!
The second sentence here doesn't sound right... I think it would be better as: Do you want me to come with you? I don't mind."
Faffing! LOL.
I think the period after 'back' should be a comma, since the next thing you say is 'Dane called'.
I feel like this is kinda a run-on sentence. Maybe you should try: "'Kay, I'll see you later then!" Freda shouted, swinging their blue front door open and racing out onto the street. She nearly collided with Toni, a red-haired boy with a smattering of freckles on his cheeks.
The last part of that sentence sounds kinda iffy, methinks. So maybe try: It was a modern building of purple and cream brick, and there was a chatty atmosphere floating between groups of friends.
How did the wall feel against her back? What could she smell, taste, hear? Use the five sense for a more vivid mental image.
Also, maybe you could make it more poetic? It's really just personal preference, but I'd love to see descriptions of autumn leaves blowing across the pavement, sunlight gleaming on dark hair, fleecy clouds strewn across the sky. You know, more poetic imagery; metaphors and similes. But it's just personal preference, so don't worry.
Anyway. Overall, this is good -- I want to read more. =) You can PM me anytime if you have ay questions/comments regarding this review.
Keep it up!
- Camille xx
Oh, darling, you were going so well until you ended with "I wonder" Lol.
I like it, really I do. As soon as I started I wanted to know more, and am already itching to hear the rest of the story. Dana, Freda, Pete, I want to know them all already. I realise I've not included Erin or Tori, but I'm not yet enamoured with them. ^^
You have good description, though I think some more on Erin and how everyone looks might not go amis. Although I do realise this is only a short piece of more, I think you could include one of two tidbits about what they look like, how they act, where they are. ^^
Now, your ending, LizzyG, it has to be one of the silliest things to read. Not in a bad way, in the way that it immediately pulled up an image of an old man stroking his chin, squinting in the distance and made me giggle quite a bit. Unless Pete is a closed amature detective, I think you can make that a little more realistic. You don't need the "hmm" or the "I wonder" really - the actions say it all. Perhaps if you added a "merely" as in "he merely watched Dana..."
That's just a suggestion. I like this, and I'm looking forward to more. Nice work, LizzyG.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.