I stumbled slightly and fell to my knees, growling back at the weight of the battered suitcase, which weighed more than the Earth itself it seemed. The rain whipped around me, angered by the gusts of wind and pelting me hard in the face, leaving me drenched to the skin soon after leaving my once called home.
The elders didn't come and see me leave, although I felt the burning presence of my uncle's glare from one of the high windows as he watched me leave underneath the waterfalls of rain water.
Making sure I don't come back?
So my life at the moment is slowly going downhill, the demise of my crow pendant imprinted into my memory as I watched it repeatedly shatter before my eyes. The banishment from the Coven hadn't hit home yet and I swore to myself I wouldn't let it.
Prison, more like.
I slid an inch or so in the wet dirt beneath my feet and felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach. There before me stood a figure, his raincoat pulled low over his face to protect himself from the falling water bullets. I stumbled a little and slid more in the mud, trying to catch myself without success. Falling into the sludge below, my suitcase flew from my hands and landed beside me, the clasp popping open with an echo despite the noise of the rain, which was now beginning to fill the tattered thing, soaking my clothes steadily.
Seeing him took my breath away, it's been so long.
He ran quickly across the dirt, nearly skating across it as he lifted me up and threw me over my shoulder, ignoring my protesting wriggles to break free. With me still in his fireman's lift, he bent down and snapped the clasp shut on my useless luggage, picking it up and running with us both for about five minutes, when we reached a small house at the edge of some trees behind the Coven. This was a few miles back, but he was an athlete when it came to speed and we were there in quick time.
He kicked the naked oak door open and hurried me inside, backing up against the door to shut it and keep the now furious rainfall out. Setting me down and taking off his raincoat, he panted softly and dumped the case on a nearby chair. On seeing this I removed it hastily and wiped the mud from the chair, placing the case down on a sheet of newspaper where he was placing his boots.
"Where's your over-coat?"
His voice was soft but gruff and deeper than some. He straightened up and ruffled the tuft of wet creamy blonde hair on his head, looking at me with an arched brow as he leaned over and began to slip off my muddy and soaked plimsolls.
"In the case."
I stood still as he began to take off my dripping jumper, carefully lifting it over my head and then ruffling my wet and also muddy hair around my shoulders. Rubbing the palms of his hands against my upper arms to create friction and therefore heat, he remained behind me with almost an eerie silence.
"It's no use in there, you're freezing."
"I'm fine. Don't worry. You're like a mother hen sometimes."
At this remark he spun me around and gripped my upper arms sternly but gently, his pale blue eyes boring into my own watery emerald ones. I sighed a little and nudged the underneath of his chin with a gentle fingertip, smiling faintly.
"You know me, I'm always okay. Just thought I'd come and keep you company for a while, that's all. I hate to think of you back here by yourself."
Don't mention anything about the banishment.
"Could I have a shower?"
I stared back at him equally now, our eye-lines both at the same height. In his eyes, I could see he knew something that he wasn't letting on and I was tempted to just blurt it out, but instead I just blinked and smiled lightly at him, tapping his hands gently off my arms.
"Sure, you know where everything is."
I nodded gratefully and began to walk up the stairs, careful not to leave muddy footprints on his floor. I cringed and hesitated a little, my foot poised to land on the stair above when he next spoke.
"When you're done, we'll talk about the Coven."
Damnit.
I stifled a small sigh and let my foot fall onto the next step as I felt his gaze upon me.
Despite his demeanor to the other witches, I knew Adel would one day be my savior. But until that day, I would still never understand why he worried about me so much.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I love how you start this off. It drew me into the story straight away and the description was good and kept to a nice level.
I also like the single sentence paragraphs you added into the writing. For me, it helps to convey the state Elena is in. It is also good to see more emotion out of her about her banishment from the Covn, something I felt lacked slightly in the previous chapter. Quick tip: good use of rhetorical devices can help elicit emotion from your audience. Common examples of this are metaphors, similies, diction and imagery.
I would like to see some more description of the strange person who saves Elena though, so far all he is is a blank canvas.
Over all, a good chapter!
Hey Liz, sorry it took me so long!!
Ah, this bit was short but I liked it and found less mistakes than in the first part; which is good.
Maybe a different word other than leave as the repetition isn't that great.
Again this oxymoron doesn't work. Try quiet instead of soft and we could get some great imagery from it.
It's a little hard to tell who is speaking here.
This is good and I really want to know what their relationship is. Are they the same age?
Overall I really liked this- more so than the first part even.
Good writing,
Keep it up,
Alainna
xxx
I like this story and can see that it is developing well.
I also have nothing bad to say about it lol. I'm not good with all the 'technical jargon and grammer' either. So i'm just going to say how i like it.
This is my favorite bit;
Made me chuckle