Published November 20, 2007
I don't know what this is if I'm honest. I sat and thought - it's time to write something, but I didn't have a clue what I was writing. Tear me to shreds and throw me to the tigers.
GingerConfusion 
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The thundering laughter,
Glorious applause;
Carry me off into the night
When jolly men sing,
Of nonsensical garbage.
Fantastic, superb,
For a modest smile;
That I slapped on my face,
To hide the anguish,
Of my straining feet.
Smoke clings to the air -
To my nostrils;
Eye watering success,
Makes me wish
I hadn't messed up.
To shame and horror,
Greeted with cheers;
The smoke blinded me,
Blanketed my senses,
Making me fall off my pedestal.
Tumbling with punch lines,
In a frolly of panic,
My words were forgotten;
Leave me alone, phrases -
It's time to re-think.
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Canary word: Present
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140,914 Literary Works • 673,732 Reviews
What could I change indeed?
I'm not very happy with this and I don't know why. I just get that feel that it could've been so much more better - but when I think about it - I guess all pieces of literature can have room for improvement.
GingerGratitude
I get that feeling too--where I feel like I have to write--but the outcome [for me] is never nearly as good.
:D:D
This was a very interesting poem. I really liked it; the format was easy to follow, and the general flow was quite well-developed.
Alas, I have no more to say... it's just about perfect, so what could you change?
Great job,
.:AYRA:.
Very nice work!
You are a natural!
Keep up the good work!
Genevieve
are you sure? no actual motive except a wish to write? that's good. it shows, you know, the way some writers, or poets more like, just innocently jot something down and find flows and connections and then these critics come along and tell you that they love the way you have portrayed such and such. anyway-
in the first stanza 'nonsensical garbage' kinda garbaged the flow. or wait 'men sing' seems to go with 'nonsensical' errmm... i'll leave it to you. line 3, 4, 5 of stanza two also seemed awkward or rather the way 'For a modest smile' works into 'That I slapped on my face'.
or maaaybe i'm just randomly picking things out. i can tell you this much though you've done a good job considering that you reminded me of the time i goofed up during a debate speech and started rambling whatever came to mind. of course, i dont remember any smoke though that does give the effect of the horrible silence that was prevalent. all in all this goes on the plus side for making me connect and o yes thanks for the read......