Published September 2, 2017
Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
I'm back, as promised. Let's not dillydally though, and jump right in.
I'm going to start by saying that I love my family, and I love my boyfriend. I hate attention and affection though. Since I got pregnant, all I've ever gotten is both and I am over it. My parents wanted to take my brothers and I to the beach for the day and my mom spent time and money getting me a maternity bathing suit. I hate the beach, and I hate maternity clothes so you can see why I was in such a bad mood. Of course, they invited my baby daddy and so I was squished in the car between Harvey, a fifteen-year-old and an eleven-year-old. Torturous.
So, I'm riding in the car and I have to use the bathroom because I'm pregnant and my bladder has shrunken to the size of a pea. So, we stop at a deserted gas station on the side of the road, even though the distance from our house to the beach is only forty-five minutes, and I head into the bathroom. While I stood at the sink two little girls holding hands walked into the bathroom. Now, my description of them isn't going to be great, because I looked away when they came in so I didn't have to initiate any sort of conversation. But here is what I have:
They were probably twins. They had the same features, big dark eyes and rosy cheeks. They were pale, and wore light pink dresses that resembled togas in their long, silkiness. They girls both had dark, curly hair that had been tied back with identical long pink ribbons. In their free hands I noticed that they were clutching clumps of grass. I decided to look at them, more than just out of the corner of my eye, when they stopped right next to me. When I looked at them head on I got a sharp pain in my temple on both sides.
Only a few seconds later they left, walking slowly out of the bathroom door. Needless to say, I thought they were weird but it takes a lot to scare me, so I shrugged it off and proceeded washing my hands. When I turned back to look at the mirror though, I saw that there was a faint outline of letters. I could just barley make out what the first few said, and ended up having to shine my phone's flashlight on the last few to see them better. This is what it said:
Mommy, come back. Daddy misses you. We miss you. Come home now. Or Daddy will be mad. He will come after you, you can't stay here like this for long. He will find you everywhere you go.
I'm fucking confused. So I leave. I get the hell out of that bathroom and look around for the little girls or their parents, and I am reminded that beside my family, the gas station is completely empty. So what do I do? Nothing. I don't tell anyone, and we continue on with the trip.
We got to the beach and I spent the entire time under an umbrella with all of my clothes on while everyone else frolicked in the ocean. We were at Lewes Beach, which I will attach a picture of at the end of this, along with a picture of me from this day. Anyway, while I was sitting under the umbrella I was reading a book I had gotten from my school's library when I noticed that there was a sentence highlighted. It read: "Love is love and love is forever. When a man loves a woman, she will never hide from him." Duh I recognized that the message was terrifyingly similar to what was written on the mirror, AND on the note I got from the restaurant. This time, I showed Harvey...and he laughed. My entire life is full of coincidences and he knew it. This was just another example of the universe pulling a joke on me. I excepted, and we headed back home in silence. I just sat and thought about what it all meant while he scrolled through Instagram.
Once we were at home I took a five hour nap. It was great, but in that time I had a vivid dream of a building crumbling and of people screaming over and over again. It was horrible. In the middle of the night my stomach started to cramp so I pulled on a long grey sweatshirt that went down to my knees, grabbed my keys from the hook next to our front door, and headed outside.
I walked down to the river behind our house and sat on the dock, letting my feet hit the cold water. I just sort of kicked my feet around in the dark waters and stared out at the bright moon. I wanted a cigarette, and wished that I was allowed to smoke pregnant. I would've a few months ago, when I found out I was pregnant even though I didn't want kids. Now I know their gender, and that there is more than one baby, and now...I couldn't do it. So instead I got up, walked over to the bank, and took off my sweatshirt. Nobody was around, so I felt fine stripping down. I walked into the water, which was sooo cold, but felt great. I waded in up to my neck and sort of crouched down in the water and closed my eyes, lifting my head to the sky. Then, all of a sudden, I felt a splash next to me, and I opened my eyes to look towards the bank, where I saw THE TWIN GIRLS. They were giggling and throwing rocks into the water dangerously close to me. I covered my body, even though they wouldn't have been able to see anything, and started to move closer to the bank to grab my sweatshirt and put it on under the dock so I could run home. As I got closer to them they smiled at me big, creepy smiles, before grabbing hands and running away. One of the girls dropped a piece of paper as she ran, which I picked up.It said: "Mommy we want your attention. We need you to see us. If we run, it is because Daddy is coming, and he can't know that we are warning you. But we are. Please leave, Mommy. We will try to see you when we can, but we will run when Daddy is close."
And that, folks, is what I will leave you with. That happened two days ago, and since then I haven't left my bedroom and I have barley talked to anyone. I don't plan on going out, but I don't know how I will avoid it, or for how long I will need to. I'm actually scared now because I just don't understand. Please help. I haven't eaten in these two days. I haven't showered either. I just sleep and stare at the wall. 'Till next time,
-Violet
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,646 Literary Works • 672,640 Reviews
Ahh we've got some really creepy stuff happening in this chapter and now it's more super-natural than realistic as well.
I'm glad that the plot moved away from just the mysterious messages, because this chapter feels more action-oriented. One aspect of this novel that's a bit unique so far is that the narrator seems to be trying to process all of the stuff they're going through internally or with us the reader, they don't really talk to anyone else about what's going on. The character development in this chapter was good, I especially liked the bits about Violet talking about her attitudes towards her pregnancy.
I'm also thinking it's a weird coincidence that she's having twins, and then met twins -- maybe there's some relation there.
One critique I had was I thought it was super odd that Violet didn't tell her family about the twins after she left the gas-station. Like she was so bothered by it that she looked for the twins, but then sort of seemed to not care when she realized she couldn't find them. I think that this is okay, but as a reader I want more explanation for why she made that choice.
I'm curious to see where this piece is going, because this chapter seems to be taking a different spin than the last two.
~alliyah
Hi! This is definitely a different piece than the other two and I am glad it was well-received!
The plot thickens! Not only does Violet have a mysterious lover-stalker, she has two kids stalking her too? Girl's got a lot on her plate - it's hard not to feel sorry for her.
This review will be on the shorter (and slightly disorganised - apologies!) side, since I don't think I have much to say. The plot's running along pretty smoothly and I can't wait to see how all the pieces fit together, especially with the introduction of the twins.
So! Getting straight into it: the first thing that strikes me is that there's not much acknowledgement of the previous part - as in, Violet doesn't mention the puzzle/note she got at the restaurant, except for one passing mention. Since she asked the forum what they thought the note said, I'd expect her to reply to them in some way, maybe in the introduction? Currently it just seems weird she wouldn't acknowledge it all that much.
I agree with MJTucker; it'd be nice to see Violet's family's reaction to this - more specifically, their reaction to her staying in her room for two days and being scared. Granted, her staying in her room like a hermit is likely normal for her, but not eating for two days would be worrisome.
Other than that, I see a few grammar/punctuation errors here and there - nothing major, but they're worth ironing out. I suggest taking your time to read this out loud; it'll force your mind to pay attention to what you're reading, and it'll give you the chance to fix the rare awkward phrase as well.
On the topic of awkward phrases, there are some spots like this:
I've highlighted the sentence's beginning words in red, because you can notice how they all start with the same thing. The "So," phrase sounds awkward when used twice in a row. The "I" one is less awkward since it's a pronoun, but it gets noticeable when you use it four times consecutively. At most, it should be used twice, maybe thrice in a row - so just be careful about that.
Other Thoughts
- I wonder why the twin girls were holding clumps of grass in the bathroom?
- And they're wearing toga-like clothing, which alludes to the ancient Roman/Greek times... I was beginning to wonder when that Historical Fiction tag would come into play again, so it's nice to get a hint to that here!
- So the twins run off when Daddy is close, and they ran off both times Violet met them... Oh dear. I wonder how close 'close' is. D:
- I love that with the twins' introduction, Violet can no longer just brush these events off as a coincidence or prank. They're a great 'wake up call', for lack of better word.
- And now that Violet knows without a doubt something weird is happening, her reaction is realistic, and as I said earlier, it's very hard not to feel sympathetic for her. I hope she gets out of this okay. D:
And that's all I have to say! Sorry if anything I said was unhelpful or confusing. As always, please tell me if there's anything you'd like to discuss in more detail. Thanks for the great read, and keep up the good work!
Hey there! MJ stopping by for a short review, as promised.
This is an awkward way to phrase things, so I would say 'in their length and silkiness,', but if you wanted to keep it as long silkiness, there shouldn't be a comma separating them.It should be 'barely', not 'barley'.
Couple of missing commas there.
Ooh, creepy. I love how you're introducing new parts to this horror story, and it's really making it more fast-paced and exciting. I have a few pieces of critique to offer you, and then I'll be on my way. Keep me posted on this story!
You did a good job talking about how the MC was feeling, but it contradicted itself in some places, and that was confusing and really threw me off, so just be on the lookout for that. Here's an example:
You said that it was great, and also that it was horrible. How did she feel? Here it would be helpful to specify that she thought different parts of it were good and not good to clear everything up.
I also would encourage you to put in more of how her family reacted to this. they're so minor in this story when in reality they would play a huge part in this, and I would love for this to just be more detailed. A good place to add some detail would be where she discovers the notes, if you describe her just collapsing and crying, and then coming out and talking to her family and see how they react to everything.
I think that the pleas Violet includes at the end are good for making the story seem more urgent and intense, but you're overdoing them just a tad. They're losing osme of their power since you use them as a way to get people to keep reading, and it does get a little unvaried and bland after a little bit. Just something to chew on.
Overall, this was a nice twist to put on this story and add another plot point that forces Violet into a different part, but there are still a few points where it could be touched up, specifically in just making this a more complete story so it feels more like a novel and less like some sloppy video diaries you created. I can understand using that style, but adding in some of the points of a novel would help make it seem less juvenile, in a way. Hopefully this review was helpful, and if you have any questions, let me know, and I'll do my best to sort everything out!
Best wishes,
MJ
I will review this either later tonight or tomorrow!
This just gets even more scary every time I read it.
Haha In a good way or a bad way?
I don't know. I'm having trouble deciding.