Sunscreen
As odd as it sounds, you are not unlike the sun;
Your comforting attention illuminates the soul,
Fans the flames of a pining heart,
Nourishes and sustains me—
Yet for all that, your searing rays still blind.
You set me alight, both enlightening my vision and
Raging in my tear-filled eyes;
I burn by you—can you not see these flaring cheeks?
The trees, my temporal problems, block you from my sight,
But still I bear your ruddy, flushed mark.
I am the sunflower rising to you, sun,
Provider of all my needs, over and over
Unable to return the favor.
Though if I reach I may come close,
Still I cannot touch you.
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Canary word: Present
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I like how this poem is essentially an extended metaphor. It gives the concept, which would otherwise be cliche, a new lease on life.
The "light" words are a touch repetitive since they're so close together.
I'm not sure "raging" is the best word to use.
I like how you took such a common turn of phrase as flaming/flaring cheeks and tied it in so seamlessly into the poem while giving it a slightly different connotation than usual.
This sentence rambles and is confused. I suggest breaking it into two: one about the sun, the other about being unable to return the favor.
These two lines could be phrased much more concisely. I suggest "I reach, and though I come so close, / I cannot touch you." or something similar.
Overall, there were a couple of words that I was iffy about your usage/there are better alternatives. I've pointed out a couple of them. Otherwise, I think you could have perhaps gotten a bit more creative with your imagery, but you did a great job of relating everything back to fire and the love being the sun. The title, though, struck me as a bit unfitting for the poem as there's no real indication of the narrator wanting to be blocked from the sun, or anything blocking them from the sun except for the brief mention of trees.
Horseradish,
Thank you very much for the advice! I'll take it to heart.
All good luck to you as well.
Horseradish,
Thank you very much for the advice! I'll take it to heart.
All good luck to you as well.
Hi, GildedLily (I really like your username, by the way!),
First, I'd like to compliment you on you're wonderful word choice and style of writing. I'm really a fan of poetry that doesn't ryhme. I write the same way myself. I enjoy this short, romantic poem in general, though if I were to give you any advice, I'd back off from overusing descriptive words for "fire" or "flame". It makes the lines drag, driving the reader to become bored after the first couple stanzas. I'd say shoot for some contrasting images (like that of ice, snow, winter, dirt even, for examples) to beef it up some and give the whole thing more drive. You could also describe the speaker more for a contrasting view, making things more interesting. Also, the last few lines don't match the rest of the poem. They seem a bit splash-dash and thrown together, broken up. They don't have the same sort of rhythm as the rest of it.
Work on those points, and I'm sure that it will be a stunning work!
Good luck on future endeavors, and good job!
~Horseradish