The Stern Egyptian-Novel excerpt

Comments in red.

Come, sit,' he said, a hint of order in his voice. #FF0000 ">I think 'he ordered' would be better than 'he said'. This isn't to say that said is a bad word (it's actually good, as it's invisible and readers skim over it), but ordered just fits better, you know? Also, beware of opening with dialogue. Some people dislike it.

Obediently, I turned without looking at his face to sit down on the ground #FF0000 ">I had to read this a few times to get it. oo Revise?, resting my hands on the grass and spreading my legs before me and supporting my back against the brown bench he sat on. #FF0000 ">Very awkward description. I'm not sure what you're going for with this. Reword?

"You look worse,' he said.

I turned my head halfway towards him, my eyebrows slightly raised.

"Worse?" I asked raising my right hand in wonder. "Do you see me gulping down vodka shots and holding a knife in the other hand?" #FF0000 ">This last bit is somewhat stiff. Try to smooth out the flow.

Of course, I looked worse, because I felt worse. Being suicidal was the first resort that I hoped would shelter me after Mother died. #FF0000 ">Hmm. Something about this sentence throws me off. oo

"Not worse," I said, defying my thoughts and supporting my lie that I think was apparent in my voice. #FF0000 ">This is first person. oo You don't need to explain the actions. This is also a bit tell-y? Try going for something that shows as opposed to tells. More on this later.

"You don't know how to lie,' he said, as if it was a taken for granted truth like 'the sun rises from the east'. #FF0000 ">Very awkward and clunky. Revise.

It wasn't true, though. I could surely lie and I happened to be very good at it- quite creative- except ~~#FF0000 ">that~~ my talent never served me well around him. Especially now that he saw how angry I become when I hear someone uttering my mother's name- defensive to a murderous point. #FF0000 ">I think you need to work on your flow. Very badly.

"You need money?"

Both of us asked that in the very same instant and that made my head snap in his direction in a warning look. I would be the first person and the most aware of his financial state, so his question was #FF0000 ">~~absolutely~~misplaced. #FF0000 ">Revise. Clunky.

"What makes you think that I do?" he asked#FF0000 ">, when I remained silent, keeping only my piercing eyes to be the only expression of my thoughts #FF0000 ">I'm not too fond of this phrase, because it implies that either 1. she thinks her eyes express her emotions vividly, or 2. she's having an out of body experience and can see herself. ._., while the serene way he asked it #FF0000 ">~~slowly~~ tugged at my nerves.

#FF0000 ">"Being the person who took every penny you own makes me think so,#FF0000 ">" I #FF0000 ">muttered (uttered rapidly sounds stiff), my teeth grinding.

He breathed in soundly and silence ruled us again for a few seconds, until he said, "I gave you that money#FF0000 ">- (I read in the next sentence how she cut him off, so I think it shouldn't be a period here, because if it's a period it implies he's finished speaking. oo)"

"For stupid reasons," I bit off, completing his sentence.

"Julian," he called in a warning tone, voicing the name #FF0000 ">~~that~~ only he and my mother used. #FF0000 ">I'm not sure about the use of the word voicing. Hmm. "We will not discuss this now."

Clutching my hands in fists, I remained silent in agreement. It wasn't time to go through our diary now.

"Your pain confuses you." #FF0000 ">Stiff. Sounds like Yoda is talking. oo Revise? He stood up, adjusting his suit then said, "We'll meet again.'

"When?" I urged, both relieved and annoyed when he paced #FF0000 ">Usually, pacing means walking to and fro, so if he paces, he can't really pace away. oo" He'll just be walking around the same vicinity.away.

"Let me worry about that," he called over his shoulder and#FF0000 ">, after a few moments, disappeared behind the thick trees.

He was right. I was confused, #FF0000 ">too perplexed to even put my own thoughts in order. But it wasn't only because of my pain#FF0000 ">; (I think it would work better with a semicolon as opposed to a comma then for.) I had more than one reason to feel uncomfortable #FF0000 ">during this sudden encounter which I truly tried to avoid since my return to Egypt. #FF0000 ">Very stiff and wordy. Don't use five words when one will do. oo" Pain was an emotion that I was used to these days and one that is not only but mainly related to my mother, yet shame was the feeling that embraced my being when I would see him and only then. #FF0000 ">I don't really understand this sentence. And your character reminds me of Mojo Jojo or V from V for Vendetta. oo' Incredibly wordy and flowery speech. Sometimes it's difficult to follow her.

Of course, #FF0000 ">it was a natural result of what I had caused him, after knowing him for very long years.

My father, #FF0000 ">oo That her father she was talking to? I got the impression he was a friend as opposed to her father. If it wasn't her father, then where is this coming from? I don't see the train of thought/logical progression. Try to segue into it a little smoother? before he became the despicable business man that I hated, worked in a paper manufacturing agency here in Egypt. From #FF0000 ">~~among~~ the many times my father took me to his Director General office, I #FF0000 ">~~once~~ met Selim. #FF0000 ">Ah. You might want to start the paragraph with this. "I met Selim when my father..." It'd make more sense. X] He was as rigid as he was now, but not quite the same because the place of the encounter was the bathroom, where people wouldn#FF0000 ">'t usually tend to act like they stood in a war zone. #FF0000 ">I'd reword this sentence. It's clunky and awkward as is.

#FF0000 ">Being a very friendly person back then, I #FF0000 ">introduced myself andcame to know that he was a close friend to my father and even closer to my mother. He was the matchmaker #FF0000 ">who worked successful tricks to make them meet on my mother's first trip to Egypt. #FF0000 ">Weird. ._. oo I can't explain it, but worked successful tricks just doesn't flow for me. Revise? And Selim is older than her, then? If he is, then they talk as if they're of the same age, and on top of that, I don't think you ever made it clear above. oo At this point in time, I'm more than halfway convinced Selim is a teenager, so it's a little difficult for me to accept that Selim is quite old. x.x

Bit by bit, I noticed his loyalty to both my parents and became aware of the bizarre nature which wouldn't be easily found in any other human being. #FF0000 ">You mean his bizarre obsession with her parents? We grew closer as time passed and it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say #FF0000 ">~~that~~ I received all the attention he could possibly give someone, especially after my parents divorced.

That very fact resulted in one of the catastrophes, yet not the deadliest of what I'd caused him throughout the years of our friendship. #FF0000 ">Don't be a tease like this. oo There are other ways to tease the audience without being so blunt. More on this later.

It was the natural reaction of his family to be bothered #FF0000 ">by his intense concern with someone who wasn't at the very least related to him#FF0000 ">~~, not a son or even a barely known cousin~~ Redundant.. Shamefully, feelings of resentment from his daughters and demands of divorce from his wife were #FF0000 ">some of the pieces that dropped from his life that was already falling apart.

All right, final notes:

I take it English isn't your first language? oo I don't mean this offensively; I just think that your word choice and the general flow of your prose give it a sort of foreign feel. Which is good, actually. It makes your prose distinct. (I'm not a native English speaker myself. X] <3) However, you have to learn to keep it under control. Sometimes you went overboard and it cluttered your prose, turning into a disadvantage as opposed to an advantage. We can't help our native languages influencing our prose, but try rereading your work after you write it and toning down the areas that drown in the influence of your native tongue. ^^

Another tip for strengthening your prose is to go through your work after you've written it and deleting the word "that" when you can afford it. It weakens your prose all over, so removing it might do some good. 8]

I also mentioned that you describe the actions of the narrator a lot, as well as explain a lot of her actions. You don't need to do this. She doesn't need to justify herself to herself, or say to herself, "I'm thinking X". oo She just thinks. Personally, I find first person to be a very difficult point of view to manage. For a piece written in first person to be considered great, it has to transport you into the narrator's head. It must be seamless. You must see his reason for doing things, and, more often than not, sympathize with him. There are, of course, exceptions. Allow me to tackle this.

Cracked Up To Be (a book I will mention more than once in this review) is written in first person, and though we never really get why Parker is such a pain, we hear her thoughts first hand. It's seamless, and when we read, it's as if we're in her head. In fact, we even sympathize with her despite her faults. This is good. We saw the world the way she saw it, and nothing escaped from her biases. This is one thing I think you lacked in this piece. Biases in the narrative can help characterize the narrator without too much effort. Let me give two quotes from the book.

"Do you miss it?" he asks.

"No."

It's not true. I kind of miss cheeerleading sometimes. The squad. Just for something to do, to distract myself with.

Here, like your character, Parker is lying. She misses cheerleading even though she insists otherwise. However, she doesn't say she's going against her own thoughts. Those last four sentences show us her thoughts at the moment. You don't think "I'm going to pretend I'm not thinking X" when you lie. At least, not in most cases. You just lie. Your subconscious thinks that. ^^

She squares her shoulders and walks up the aisle as sexily she can, which is not very sexy at all.

Bias shows here, clear as day. We don't know if the other girl can walk well or not, but all we know is Parker's opinion. This characterizes Parker, showing how she doesn't think much of the other girl.

Another book written in first person that shows clear bias is Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita. This is a special case, as we're clearly not meant to sympathize with the narrator, but the point is that the narrative shows a very obvious bias towards the narrator. He portrays himself as sympathetic and plays Dolores up to be a vixen. If that's not bias, I'm not sure what is. X]

Now, I'm going to move on to how you can tease the audience without really annoying them. You did it so bluntly up there it kind of makes the reader wrinkle his or her nose. oo" A good way to tease the audience is to show its effects but be nonchalant about it. Don't be all, "Ohmygodtheworldisbroken". Just let it be an event in the past some characters want to bring up but others don't, or simply show the effects of the event. You can reveal the event as time goes by, little by little, but don't say outright a catastrophe happened. Hint at it instead. X]

In Cracked Up To Be, something has obviously happened to Parker to mess her up. We know what she was like before; various references are made to the way things were. However, what happened to her is not explicitly stated until the end of the book. We only see her actions as a result of it - we see her going to a house and digging a hole in a certain spot, hyperventilating, trying to catch up with schoolwork, picking fights with people who used to be her friends, but we never see what made her that way. It works, because we're left wondering and wanting more. ^^ Try the technique.

You might want to characterize your characters a bit earlier on. I am told Seim is stiff and cold, but I don't see much of it (I do see a glimpse, though, and I commend you on that). I'm not sure what to think about the main character at the moment, as she seems to be the cookie-cutter bitter teenage girl, complete with family problems and a male friend to help her through it. oo"

The relationship between Selim and the main character - now there's something interesting. Selim seems to have an obsession with her, and this is intriguing, almost disturbing. I don't know if you were going for that effect, but it's the vibe I got. He's obsessive, and she's the object of his attention. When you throw in the age gap and the tense sort of closeness between them, I have a feeling this isn't a very light-hearted relationship? oo If you're going for a more platonic father-and-daughter or sibling sort of relationship, it's not working. I can't put my finger on it, but there's something in the narrative that makes me feel as if the MC has a crush/is developing feelings for Selim. ._.

Lastly, be careful with your word choice. Don't use ten words where one will do, and never use a big word when a simple one suffices. The right word is the difference between lighting and a lightning bug, Mark Twain said. And I completely agree wit him. Let me show you how.

She skips down the road.

From the word skip, we can infer that she's happy, or carefree, at that moment in time.

She creeps down the road.

Switching one word changes the entire context of the sentence - now she's trying to be stealthy. Why? We don't know; but we know she doesn't want to be seen.

She tears down the road.

Well, she's certainly not carefree or careful. She just wants to get away from something now.

See? The right word is crucial. Think carefully about the words you use. ;3

Let's move on to your plot. I see tension here, and that's good. Tension and conflict keep works alive and hooks the reader in. However, I get the feeling this is a literary novel - the kind that focuses on character development as opposed to plot? In that case, this is good. 8] The plot has something to do with Selim and Julian's relationship and the way their lives changed after her mother's death, I think. oo Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to place heavy emphasis on that. If it has nothing to do with her mother's death (or if it's not supposed to be centered on character development), then I'm not sure why you started here. oo"

Also, although there /is/ tension here, you might want to up the ante. It's very weak here, and for that reason, I took a long time reviewing this. Sometimes I couldn't be bothered to come back and check. oo I take it you've gone into a bookstore, right? Look at the readers there. They will pick up a book, read the synop at the back, and then they'll open the book. Maybe to the first page, maybe to a random page. But they will only open it for a few seconds and then, if they don't like it, they'll put it back on the shelf. They will award you the exact same amount of tension. Because of this, your tension cannot flag (which it did in this piece, thanks to your clunky wording sometimes o.e). You only have about five seconds to win the reader's attention. Go out and grab it. Hook the reader.

I'll be honest. As of this moment, I'm not exactly hooked. I'm thinking, eh. oo Why? Because though the tension is there, and the relationship between Julian and Selim is interesting, it's not strong enough to keep me wanting more. I might have forgiven somewhat weak tension in exchange for airtight prose, but the truth is, you, as the writer, can't afford that. You need to inject as much of an oomph into the hook as you can because prose is a subjective thing. Some people adore Nabokov's prose, others find it too purplish. You need to make sure your words hit the reader as hard as possible, and the surest way to do this is to showcase strong conflict. In this case, maybe you can show exactly how much trouble Julian is in, or how low she's sunk. You only tell me she's fallen in this piece - you never show me, and this is why I can't really care enough. oo

Anyway, those are my two cents! Don't take it as anything too definitive because in the end, it's your work, and you know it best. <3

Sincerely,

Octave

Hey, Gheal!

I'm here to review your excerpt. Sorry for being late, as always but at least I get here, no?
Anyways, let's begin!

Unlike your previous excerpts I thought this part was just a tad bit more wordy than normal. I mean, maybe it's just me and the fact that I haven't read much in a while but I feel like this part of your novel had a few extra lines or such and such that made it too, um, I dunno...what's the name for it? I can't remember but it's slightly on leaning towards the 'I'm getting a bit wordy' side. It's not that much, thought so don't stress out much about it. And again, it could just be me but I thought I'd point it out to let you take a guess and compare.

However considering that, I still think you have a beautiful, magical way to writing your prose and feelings. I love the similies and metaphors that you use and the way your emotions are so vivid and easy to feel. I know some writers who block their pieces by using large words that need a dictionary along with the written work but you keep yours easy yet sophisticated in it's own special way. And that, is one of the reasons why I love reading your works.

Now, back to the review...
I didn't read the first bit but I did skim through it and I do think the second part seems to be better in looks. I won't exactly comment on character right now because you're giving me excerpts from the novel and I do not really know the train of thought that Julius is holding through every scene. I do think he has an interesting, mysterious and dark personality in which will make the novel quite interesting to read.

I won't go much further into this so here is my overall, I liked it. I still feel like Selim is a bit difficult to read but with that bit of an introduction I get a pretty decent view of his character and that feeling that I can't read him is good because it seems like that's the type of person he is, you know? Hard to read...I dislike people like that. I can never buy the right kind of presents for them on their birthdays. -.- Anyway, I apologize for my short and somewhat unhelpful review. xD
Let me know if you need anything else! I want moar!

Saranghaeyo! :3
-Pink

Comments & reviews · 9

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Name

Email (optional)

How many vowels are there in 'review'?

This is a review

Octave

Review

Octave wrote a review · Sat Feb 19, 2011 3:27 am

Gheala

Comment

Gheala commented · Thu Feb 10, 2011 8:13 pm

Of course, you're very helpful! You have confirmed the two most important points I wanted to show: Selim is hard to deal with and Julius is a dark personality. You made me very very happy, because those characteristics are the first on the list! You make me happy!! Lol
About being wordy, though: Maybe you're right. When I reread, I found some unnecessary phrases, while I kept the essential points brief. I'm usually skeptic about how much I should give the reader- a problem became clear here. Lol
But the unnecessary phrases can be omitted and I'm happy with that because, at least, I don't have to do major rewrites again. This baby has been clinging to my fingers for weeks!!
Get off me, get off me!

Thanks a lot, sweets!!! And it was a very helpful review! Saranghaeyo! <3

Shearwater

Shearwater wrote a review · Thu Feb 10, 2011 12:16 am

Gheala commented · Wed Feb 09, 2011 6:06 pm

Welcome back! Thanks for reviewing again, honey. Sorry for bothering you >.>

It isn't disgust, no. Julius is avoiding Selim because he has always been there after Pamela's death, cared for Julius, kept him safe and was even very close to his mother. At this point, he wants so bad to move on and try to get a better route in life, so he wishes to shun every memory that upsets him. Especially that now every time he hears his mother's name he becomes angry.
He's confused and one time he feels good and the other he wakes up feeling something is bad is going to happen. He appreciates Selim's help and he actually loves Selim, but he wants to avoid him to give himself some room and wake up from the emotional cortex the death of his mother pulled him in. He didn't hate Selim, but only the memories that Selim brought along.

Hm... Does that make sense? But maybe you're right. I'll reread and see if the feelings of resentment could be broken down a little.

borntobeawriter

borntobeawriter commented · Wed Feb 09, 2011 5:30 pm

Gheala, I'm back!

Okay, I thought this was better done. I liked the descriptions, but I want to caution you: don't go overboard.

I liked Selim better here: he seemed better and wise and kind. It's just an impression I get, not quite something you said, but... Definitely better in this version.

I just don't understand the MC here, haha. I mean, in the previous version, Selim seemed to be a father-figure for your mc; why would he be alarmed or disgusted by him now? I would be sorry, or have pity if someone I know discovered the corpse of someone they loved....Why does he think it's ok to be revolted by Selim's unfortunate discovery?

Hope this helped, keep up the great work!

Tanya

Gheala commented · Tue Feb 08, 2011 10:23 pm

deleted

Gheala commented · Mon Feb 07, 2011 6:02 pm

Thanks a lot, Tanya and Keri.
Tanya, like the many times you reviewed me before, I'll again tell you that I felt something off about the piece. I'm new, exactly like the reader, to Selim and I couldn't see through him or feel his existence in this excerpt. You're right, it's weird how I forgot to mention the death of Julius' mother, and maybe that's because I was very concerned with the debts Julius owes Selim. Dear God! You're a genius! Her murder is a very hurtful and heart breaking fact to Julius and that's why the piece was unbalanced and just... wrong, because I didn't mention it.
I'm that sort of person, who worries about everything. I was biting my nails, afraid of reading your review because I didn't want to even think it was bad. The same reason applies on the fact that I don't put my story up here- insecurity.
Thanks a lot, Tanya.

Keri, I can see that this was your first review on YWS. Welcome to YWS and it's flattering to see that I'm your first reviewed piece! Lol. You're right. Divorce isn't that essential to be brought up now, especially that the reader haven't heard of Selim before. Thank you, you answered my question and you're so amazingly helpful. Thanks a lot.

wolfgirl13

wolfgirl13 wrote a review · Mon Feb 07, 2011 5:19 pm

Hi
I'm new but your story is really touching. Death is always a tricky subject. I agree with borntobeawriter, there is no real pain or emotion about the death. Selim wasn't as stern and rigid as I would have thought, he seems more like a figure that Julius may not respect as much.
I love your writing style. It flows well and I can't wait to read more.
Selim maybe should have a more serious problem, divorce just doesn't seem to fit?
It was really good though.
I hope I helped a little.
Keri

borntobeawriter wrote a review · Mon Feb 07, 2011 4:54 pm

Gheala,

I'm truly sorry I wasn't here before to review. I know how hard it is to pour your heart and soul in something and not get any comeback. These past few days have been busy for me, it's my only excuse.

I'm not sure how to say this, so I'll be blunt. It is slightly difficult to review for you because you only give excerpts which means we know nothing, no past, no future, only the present chapter. It means that sometimes, the thought process is difficult to follow. YOur last chapter was easy. The one I reviewed with the torture scene because I didn't need to know more or less: I was completely concentrated on the scene.

But here we are learning a lot, or want to be learning a lot. The death of a mother is a painful subject, but I don't see the pain or feel it. They simply speak (Or think) of it. I would love for that to be expanded, learn more of it. Not just the MC's fleeting thoughts, unless you've covered this in another chapter.

As for Selim. I did not see any kindness but I think you tried to tell us through Julian's eyes. I would have liked for you to have shown us this kindness. I mean, through his acts, not through the MC's retelling of those acts, do you see what I mean?

As usual, I love your writing style. I do wish I could see more of your chapters instead of simply excerpts, but I understand if you're more comfortable this way.

Hope this helped,
Tanya

About the Author

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources