Published May 16, 2011
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141,354 Literary Works • 674,379 Reviews
Got to say, Gheala- I'm glad you told me about this one.
I think there was a perfect amount of speech in the piece. I know from reading previous excerpts that the characters in the novel seem, Aurora definitely, to be very distant and not the type to share emotions the way most people would.I just read through it and will start the review in a second but I have to say it was great.
and for your questions in the beginning:
So the amount of dialogue portrayed the characters perfectly the way I remember them.
So...on with the review..
I would probably change the 'were' to 'was', however, it's not that important.
This is a lovely phrase and a great metaphor. I love it
I think maybe this should have been:
Although, again it depends on what you're trying to get across to your readers.
So I've come to the end of what should have been a much longer review. The piece was great and there were many more lovely phrases than the one I picked out. You write brilliantly, Gheala.
The nitpicks I found were the only ones in there, I think. So there was only two which is GREAT!
I look forward to the next 'crime scene' piece which sounds great, and to answer your last question: Yes, it's a great introduction to a crime scene because of how quiet, clam but tense at the same time this is.
Well done, and I hope this helps
-thatboy
This is a definatly a funny, good start to a novel. I can see your caracter perfectly.
However, I think it is missing discription of how things look. Also,some sentences are bit long.
for example, you say 'She called and approched me.' it might be just me, but the and sound kind of awkward. maybe you could replace 'She called and approched me.' to 'She calleds as she approched me.'
Hey Gheal! I'm here to do a nice quick review for you. <3
Nitpicks & Comments
Okay, overall - FINALLY!
I get to read a piece with Aurora in it. =.=
(I still have to read the ones you sent me, I apologize for not responding about that one yet - I've been busy. :c)
Anyway, I'll start off with a bit of nitpicks.
I know for sure you could word this better. 'Make me smell the coffee' is kind of too simple compared to what you normally have.
Ahaha, this is just the perfect words to describe her character. I loved it and made me laugh because we all know Julius's deepest darkest secret concerning Aurora. >:3
*If it was the look or the tone. Not were, that's different. lol ^.^
I don't understand this line, what do you mean by 'yet, there it was, a normal reaction to my fading manners'?
The fact that she doesn't meet his eyes anymore or something? :c
AH! I want to read this so badly! >.<
Alright, overall I did like this piece. The dialogue was short but it was fine. I do think however, you might have cluttered it with too many little actions such as the shoulder shaking and what-not. It might be too much description that it makes the dialogue feel a bit stuffed, you know? You can try cutting out a few action phrases there a little bit and see if that helps.
Again, you descriptions are great and I enjoyed how you compared things again. However, this piece had a bit of a description problem too. There were some parts, like what I pointed out above, where I knew you could find better words for it to make it come to life but didn't. Don't dwell on this too much, actually because it's not that important but if you can word things differently, creatively but simply, then do so. It's really all your call in the end. I'm just trying to be helpful and fill this review with something so I don't feel unhelpful. xD
One thing that I do want to compliment you on thought is the way you described Aurora's character. -On the side note, I don't think her name was mentioned in this piece but that's alright since it's an excerpt- I liked how even if this wasn't the first time we've probably met her in the novel, her character does a good job explaining herself.
Oh and for the whole telly not showy thing, I don't think it was all that bad. It was short when Julius was talking to himself but everything he had to say was interesting and gave us a deeper look into his head so I wasn't bored at all. Surely, the transition between telling the week was done was a bit quick but I can't really find any other way you could possibly word that so it's alright the way it is.
Overall, this was a pretty good piece. I enjoyed learning more about Julius and Aurora and you're really getting me pumped to read this novel of yours. UGH! >.< You taunt me with your excerpts, Gheal! *Shakes fists*
Anyway, hopefully this review helped you in some area. It's really just all my two cents. xD
So yeah, let me know if you write more or post anything else because I want to read it. >.>
Don't forget to tell me or I'll come knocking on your door in a Julius costume. Mwaha. Okay, I'm done. So yeah, PM me if you need anything!
-Pink <3
How could I ever thank you, each and every one of you? Thank you very much for those reviews.
Come to think of it, I do think I need to make my dialogues sound more natural, especially when it comes to Aurora. I'm so glad you actually liked my style! Seriously, I was terrified to read a review that would tell me how horrible I wrote this piece. Thank you a million times, I do appreciate it!
I'll make sure I'll put more new words for you, Tabby
Thanks Ziggie, Tabby and Titan.
Thank you!
Hey! I really liked it. I think it would be great if you made it into a novel, and the fight scene after sounds good too. One nitpick though:
[quote] I knew I should have, but it didn't. [Quote]
instead of the word it, it should read I. Overall, I really liked it, and can't wait to read the rest!
-Titan
Good day!
Well, I don't think there was too much dialogue, or too much explaining, however, something I would strogly suggest: give a paragraph or two before the initial dialogue to explain where Julius is, who he is, and what he's doing. Honestly, I was confused.
NITPICKS!
you can change that comma to a period, and capatalize the n in "not."
This confused me... I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be a comma in here...
"but I didn't?"
Is crudity a word? Oh... I just looked it up. It is. And you spelled it correctly too. Well, in that case, thank you for the vocab lesson XD
So, yeah... I liked your narator's sardonic attitude, although, I was sort of confused. Is this part of a novel?
Hope I helped!
--
Tabby
Hello there
I highlighted this part because it's just not proper. It's too long. Try breaking it into 2 sentences. Like so,I thought I'd do the honours.
Try reading this, I think it has some tips on how to structure your dialogue properly.
I love this paragraph!
So, enough with the nitpicks. To answer your questions firstly, I think because this is written in first person, Julius's voice is not at all overdone so no; I don't think that Julius is talking too much. In fact, I feel that your delivery and execution of his character is right on the money. I mean, he is totally relate-able and with just this little snippet into his story. I loved the way you described his feelings right to the last bit. I loved the way you describe things as a whole! I just feel that the way you write your dialogue needs some practice and more understanding towards the subject. I also feel that if you were to add more dialogue towards 'Aurora' to express her reaction, I don't know...maybe it would become too dramatic. I think what you have now, is fine and you should work with it. For your second question, I feel that the way you start the story is fine. It's calm, it let's me understand who I'm dealing with and what kind of mood this story is centred around and stuff. However, I would like to see more developments towards that crime scene that would follow. I would like to know more about the setting and the environment. I also feel that your transition from the office or wherever Julius was before that next week you where he was fretting about apologizing was a little rushed. Rushed because now we are talking about a neighbourhood watch (and you rushed through that as well) as well as the incident. I feel like a lot is happening in a short amount of time. On the flip-side, if there is to be a crime scene after this, you better step up the momentum after this to have me prepared for it
Phew! All in all, I love your writing so-so much.
Good luck!