Published June 3, 2011
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141,441 Literary Works • 674,455 Reviews
Hi Gheala.
As you know, I'm not one for nitpicking and commenting on grammar, so I'll stick to what I like, reading.
By that, I mean, what I felt and how the characters had an effect on me.
So I've just read the piece, and I've got to say, you are a genius. It was soooo real; I could imagine every movement and emotion in my mind.
You asked at the end, whether the characters were believable, well they were, so much so, that I actually felt pity for Aurora and the way she was badly treated throughout the piece. I really did, it was beautiful, yet sad.
And Jude, well he seemed not to have a conscience and just carried on attacking, no matter how hurt he could clearly see her becoming.
You also asked were Jude's thoughts clear enough. Yes they were, I could see how, almost glad he was at making her feel sad, and how board he was with the whole situation.
You have a really good writing skill and your two main characters are so very believable. Please carry on with your writing, and be sure to let me know when you next share a piece.
-thatboy
Gheala, sweety, you're really going to have to let me know when you post more of this.
Normally, I stalk the threads to find anything of interest to me, but considering how busy I've been, I haven't had the time. I also saw this when I was commenting on your wall....
Ok. Well, of course, I understand why you only post this part by part. But it makes reviewing it sometimes a little difficult. I want to know why dear, sweet Aurora finally snaps. Why led to this? What line did Julius draw, and why doesn't he seem taken aback by her reaction, instead of amused?
What I mean is that, if someone who I had gotten used to, someone who was always soft spoken and gentil, suddenly snapped at me, I'd probably be shocked. And rightfully so! What is she acting out of character? I know we don't see this before, the scene I mean, but I find his lack of reaction ... bothersome.
Other than that, the fact that she held her eyes downcast worked well because she was always shy around him, so that stayed in character. It was a good argument, flowed nicely except for the instance or two that Pink pointed out.
Keep using that keyboard!
Tanya
Hey, Gheal. I'm here to review this piece, as I promised I would.
I'm glad you put up another piece with Aurora and Julius. I was extremely happy to read this even though they fight all the time, I enjoy their bickering. It's too awesome. xD
Now, again I love your writing and your two characters. I just want to wish them a happy ending! lol
I do have a few nitpicks though that I think I should pick out.
As far as my knowledge on dialogue punctuation goes, I don't think you have to capitalize the She asked slowly.
It's a bit of an odd thing but you don't do that when there is a question mark in the dialogue.
"Excuse me?" she asked slowly. That works. ^.^
I think it should be "offer your coffee and treat you nicely."
One of those tense things, I forget what the real name for it is and all but if you read it out loud you find it rather/ or a bit weird.
Should be a period after Mr. = Mr. Julius
I love this sentence in all it's glory. <3
Okay, so those are just a few nitpicks that I found.
Overall, I think this argument was realistic and I really enjoyed Julius's thoughts behind it. You had some great comparisons and made some excellent argument points in here that I did enjoy reading. My only little pick from this was that sometimes the lines kind of mashed up together and I found it hard to figure out who was saying what until I went back to re-read it. Maybe you could separate some of the lines in which you have Julius speak but then give descriptions about Aurora.
Other than that, I don't really see anything else. I'm excited to see where these two are going to lead up and what's going on with Selim. xD
Ahhh, you're got yourself and avid fan here, Gheal so don't hesitate to ask me for any other review if you must!
Keep it up and let me know if you need anything else. I know this review was a little on the off side but I promise a better one next time! ^^
-Pinky
Hi Gheala. Here to review, as requested.
Okay, so I like this story. One thing that really left me hanging is the fact that you never described your characters, but... oh, wait that is 'cause this is part of a novel. You're writing is really good, I must say. There is barely anything else I can say to make it better. This is good, I don't think is confusing at all. And I love the name Aurora... Lol. *Random* But anyways,
Nitpicks:
Notice how you mention that twice, sounds repetitive, like a little kid's story. You could change the last sentence to: "And how shameful it was." I think that would make it better.
I think there should be a comma after the red again.
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There should be a comma after "stupid".
~Solvy<3