Young Writers Society

Gheal!

Holy moly, this took me forever to get to, didn't it? Well, as I said hundreds of times to you already, I might be late but I'll be sure to get it done, right? Anyway, sorry for the lateness, let's begin!

So like everyone has already mentioned, the beginning was a bit too much self-ranting with Jules. Also quite repetitive. Yeah, after the first two-three paragraphs, I understood what he meant and where he was going with his thoughts but you dragged it on a little bit more than it should have been so that should be cut down a little, I suppose. lol.

However, it's nicely written and your voice is pretty solid. We can tell you know what kind of character Julius is. The only thing is, that sometimes you know him too well! And that means you drag his emotions on a little too much, I know from experience! XD Don't worry, you'll see it more after you go back and re-read things.

On another note, I dislike the fact that he called himself idiot and stupid in the beginning. Yeah, he's angry with himself but can't help himself either, he's prone to habit and distraction but it seemed repetitive again, lol. Easy fix, thought - right?

Aurora's reaction was as expected, I know what kind of character she is so I knew she'd probably do something silly and naive like what she did there. She's a hard character to get used to at first but I'm sure that after people realize that she's really weak and righteous to the point to irritation, they'll get used to her. XD Yes, she does irritate me sometimes! XD lolol :3

Overall, this is good and I do like his reaction to finding out that his "brother" in a sense was an assassin. Poor, poor Julius. Don't worry, man, times will get better for you! *insert smiley face here*
Sorry if this review is a bit suckish, I haven't been reviewing anything in the last two months but I'm trying to pick up my speed on things. Yours was first on the list of things to do!

Let me know if you need anything and keep writing with whatever time you have!

-Pink

Wow. This was extremely well done. I was able to dive into the story headfirst, and, I believe this was mentioned before, too, I didn't need any context. There was only one part that confused me a little bit when I first read it.

I couldn’t any more recognize my will from…

Okay, so, firstly, I wanted to apologize for taking way too long on this. It's long story, but I'm here now!

So, firstly, you move really fast. Slow down, let your characters breathe a bit. I couldn't get a true sense of what was going on in the scene, you go in deeper with little details and description, which will suck your reader into the scene. (but this may be because I haven't read any other parts of your story. I was also a tad confused, but that also may be because of the same reason.)

You also need to go deeper into your emotions and what your characters are feeling. You are a strong writer, so don't be afraid to hold back from what I can tell is a highly emotional scene.

Good luck on your future writing endeavors
~WickedWonder

Thank you very much, everybody! Each and every one of you is right!
When I reread this thing, I realized that Aurora wasn't really Aurora there, if you know what I mean. @.@ I realized that I've been forcing the last two chapters into my novel, against my characters' will.

It's true that Aurora will definitely be worried about him, not because she likes him (She hasn't fallen for him yet) but because she worries about everyone. So, why would she ever be scared like that? Surprised? That doesn't mean, she should be crying for her life, while he was going to do nothing to harm her.

While I was writing this chapter... No, when I was writing the TWO chapters, I felt uneasy and uncomfortable and it turned out because I put the wrong reactions and emotions there. No wonder I spent ten days writing the twenty pages of the fifteenth chapter!!
Tanya, when you say you're a fan of what I write, you steal my breath away and put a stupid smile on my face!
Yea, there was a strong reason why Julius would return to his cutting. He saw Selim about to kill a poor guy in a dark alley and Selim swore to Julius that the man is a rapist (It doesn't seem that lame in the scene, I assure you!) Julius didn't believe him, screamed at him and left, only wanting to put his fury and confusion in something. So, he cuts himself.
But I do admit, I did write the whole thing rather weakly. That happens when I'm not sure about the piece I'm writing.

Thank, thank you!! Thank you a lot! I'd have been miserable without your advices, guys!

Hey there Gheala!

Wow! It is very rare that I'm not first or second here. Let me take a moment to compose myself *breathes in*

Ok. I'm good.

You know how much of a fan I am of yours, right? And I'm always honest. Well, I can honestly say that this isn't my favourite chapter.

In itself, it was good. But because you're posting more often, I'm starting to get a good grip on your characters. Considering how helpful Aurora was last time, why would she turn away? I mean, she knows he's not doing well, but my first thought would probably be that it was an accident, or that someone inflicted that wound on him. Not that he'd done that to himself and that he might also hurt me.

So, what now? Is there something I was missing in between chapters?

I guess my biggest issue here is with Julius. What made him snap? Why would he cut himself, considering how much pain he felt when watching Selim to it to himself? Where was the thought process? When did he learn that Selim was an assassin and is that what shoved him off the edge?

I was reading and kept asking myself these questions. Usually, I don't. Which means that this chapter needs some tweaking. I still love Julius and want to learn more from Aurora.

All in all the chapter was pretty good but I definitely know you would word it better.

Keep up the great work!

Tanya

As classy and silent have already mentioned, the character's self-castigation and guilt felt a bit repetitive because there was so much, and it wasn't until almost halfway that you revealed what he was struggling about. That's a bit too long, in my opinion, especially with the lengths you went to conceal what exactly the urges were and why he felt guilty about giving into them (I actually thought it might have been going out and killing something from how things were being drawn out).

Cutting down the amount of time spent on rehashing his guilt and struggle would be one thing you could do to make it feel less repetitious; another would be to reveal what he is conflicted about doing earlier so you don't wear on your readers' patience by leading them on for longer than might be needed.

Some other things I noticed: you had a number of misspellings scattered throughout, as well awkward phrasings. For instance, in the title, I'm fairly sure "abnoxious" should be "obnoxious", and "a voice assured in my head" read oddly because "assured" essentially means "confirmed", which doesn't quite fit the context.

Closer proofreading will help you catch these things; as silent already mentioned, reading things aloud will help you spot oddities in your writing.

One last thing: it might be a good idea to go back through and add the BBCode formatting to make the thoughts easier to read. Right now, because they're not italicized, they blend into the rest of the text, and it took me a second read through to pick out where the thoughts ended and the tags began. Adding in the formatting will make this much easier to read.

I think this was very well done, and I certainly enjoyed reading it. I think the strongest thing about this piece is the unusual presentation. For instance, the inner debate at the beginning is something that is not very often seen at the start of a story. This you pulled off quite well, allowing the reader to get a glimpse inside the thoughts of your charecter. Make sure to keep up this same level of charecter development and deep exploration into your charecter's minds in your other works.
Additionally, the fact that someone who cuts themself, i.e. someone who is not very stable, is having a debate between their rational and appetitive sides. One would assume that a person that messed up is ruled entirely by the animalistic side, but to the reader's surprise, she has a reletively strong rational side.
I also liked how well you made the reader empathize with both charecters, something that is very difficult to do, even for experienced writers. I was simultaniously feeling sorry for the main charecter and the poor girl who stumbled upon her, and this is an incredible feat of charecter development.
Keep up the good writing, and focus on your strengths.
Your friend,
---Psudiname

" stroking the blade from above the fabric of my denim" This is phrased a bit oddly. Maybe say it a little more simply? Something like "feeling the flat of the blade through the denim" maybe?

"while I wondered in the room" Wandered.

Interesting, the conflict in this character...

"My inhales were shaken" Inhalations? Or maybe you could use a simpler word. Breaths?

I saw a few misspellings, a missing word here and there. Make sure you proofread. One tip I've heard a lot is to read it out loud. You'll catch more of your errors that way, and if something sounds wrong, you can fix it.

Like Classy mentioned, the girl's reaction seemed odd to me, too. She might be scared at first, but more surprised than anything. If she's scared enough to start running away, I didn't think she would stop, even if he 'ordered' her to and he put the knife away. And wouldn't she be more concerned for him than worried about her own safety? Wanting to get him help or something? I don't have much experience with cutting (none, firsthand) but generally when a person cuts, isn't it because they have problems? It doesn't necessarily mean he's going to turn on her, and that's a big conclusion to jump to on her part. Maybe it fits more in context with the rest of the story, but... *shrug* I really don't know, since at this point I'm not even sure of the setting. Some kind of lounge area, sure, but I was also confused by the line of context you gave us at the start. Assassins > Office Lounge > Main character seems really intense and scary-ish... I'm not really sure where they are. :/ I think this would probably make more sense if I had the rest of the story, but yeah.

All in all, not a bad start. I liked the way you got into the MC's head, and I think you have some good conflict and tension building. The girl's reaction needs some work, and some parts of this might be confusing without the rest of the story to look off of. Proofread. Sometimes your sentences are worded a bit confusingly... Try reading it aloud. And yeah, that's about it. ^^ Nice start, lots of potential.

Keep writing.

Hi there!

This is really entertaining! I don't know if it's part of a larger work, with your description at the top of the story, but you can read it just fine without any context information. In fact the context actually confused me more.

Anyways, you tackled emotion beautifully here. Every thing you said in the beginning was gold, even though by the end you got a little repetitive, so you might want to check on that. I think it's good to repeat certain things, but repeating over and over again the guilt he feels, even though we don't know what it is, since you never clear it up (and if you did I didn't catch it). After a few times of reading that same idea over and over, written exactly the same, I drifted. But it's alright, because you got me back.

That's another thing thing I loved about this. At first, I thought there was a little too much emotional ranting and not enough interactions between the character and other things. All I saw was the character curled into a ball in a dark room talking to himself in the first part of this. But then you complimented it with the perfect amount of dialogue and exciting plot that I forgot all about the beginning being a little wordy. Amazing composition.

The only real nitpick I have is the girl's initial reaction. I see no reason why she should be scared, other than the fact that he has a knife in his hand, I suppose. But I think that she should be a little concerned. This, of course, is only how she should react if she has any connection to him. If they don't know each other, then leave it as is. But if they have some sort of connection then she definitely needs to have a stronger reaction. Just think of how you'd feel if you saw someone you knew bleeding on his/her arm with a knife in his hand. I would try to help - though cautiously and from afar.

Anywho, awesome story and a joy to read! I look forward to reading more of your things!

Classy