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Young Writers Society


18+ Mature Content

11:11 PM (Edited)

by GeorgiaMasonIII


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.

Track 10: “11:11 PM”

Influence(s): The Amity Affliction, Sixx:A.M.

Possible Genre(s): Hard rock

Subject: Possibly the most inappropriate-for-minors thing I will ever post on YWS. This is a song about drinking wine after my antidepressant wears off at the middle of the night to ease the suicidal ideation. It is based on a thing that actually happens.

Content/trigger warnings: Suicidal ideation, alcohol

Formatting Notes: clean vocals, guttural vocals, spoken vocals

Notes for Readers: First of all, this piece is heavy. Please stay away if you aren't sure you can handle it. I'm aware that this is a site for minors and just because I was writing stuff this dark when I was 13 (minus the alcohol, though) doesn't mean it's healthy to expose young people to it. I meant that 18+ warning I stuck on this piece.

Second of all, I don't know what it is about this song that makes me unsatisfied with it. Maybe it's because I still don't think it's clear enough that "Waking in a Heavy Gray Haze: The Sequel" is about waking up feeling gross for the bazillionth time after self-medicating. Maybe it's because after poking at the verses all evening, I can't figure out how to make them flow the way I want. But any concrit would be helpful, seeing as I can't target what exactly I want to change here.

---

Verse 1:
I know that in this type of song, I’m supposed to talk about midnight.
That wouldn't be right; that’s not when the effects start to fade.
I took the pill to soothe my mind in the morning light.
Three hours after sunset, I get the default setting on my brain.

Chorus:
So I guzzle red moscato
Straight from the bottle
Even though I’ll be sick tomorrow.
It’s a hell of a lot better than not waking up at all.
So I knock back the ZzzQuil.
30 mLs equals
“Waking in a Heavy Hollow Haze: The Sequel”.
It’s a hell of a lot better than not waking up at all.

Verse 2:
I know that if this were a movie, I’d pour my wine onto the rug
But I want it too badly to let it flow down the drain.
With the way I’m wired, I’ll always need these drugs.
Heading toward tomorrow, I know the inside of my head won’t change.

Chorus:
So I guzzle red moscato
Straight from the bottle
Even though I’ll be sick tomorrow.
It’s a hell of a lot better than not waking up at all.
So I knock back the ZzzQuil.
30 mLs equals
“Waking in a Heavy Gray Haze: The Sequel”.
It’s a hell of a lot better than not waking up at all.

Bridge:
At 11:11 PM, I wish for suicide
To forever leave my mind.

Three hours after sunset, I get the default setting on my brain.

Chorus:
So I guzzle red moscato
Straight from the bottle
Even though I’ll be sick tomorrow.
It’s a hell of a lot better than not waking up at all.
So I knock back the ZzzQuil.
30 mLs equals
“Waking in a Heavy Gray Haze: The Sequel”.
It’s a hell of a lot better than not waking up at all.

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67 Reviews

Points: 214
Reviews: 67

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Mon Sep 19, 2016 12:55 am
joallover wrote a review...



Hey! It's joallover here to give my amateur opinion on your obviously-more-advanced piece here.
I'm gonna say, first of all, that I can empathize a bit with the situation. I rely on pills to live day to day and be sure that I wake up every morning, though I've never had a drink in my life (yes, I'm old enough that that is a shocking statement haha) so I can only imagine as I read this.
I'll start with what I didn't like first since my list of likes is much, much bigger.
"That would just be foolish; it would leave quite a nasty stain."
This line doesn't seem to fit. I don't know if it's supposed to be a funny, sarcastic thing or if it's to say that the pouring on the rug is typically a thing of 'freedom' but you can only see the dark in it? I don't know, it just didn't seem to fit a purpose right off the bat.
What I love, though, is that you had a lot that you have to relate to because you made it so specific, for example, "red moscato." I can imagine that that is alcohol, and then you add "ZzzQuil" and the exact measurement, it does so much for the interpretation. I love it!
The line "Waking in a Heavy Gray Haze: The Sequel", is that a direct link to something? If not, it could be used for great alliteration, for example, 'Heavy, Hollow Haze" or "Great, Gray Gaze." Those are the ones right off the top of my head.
Alright, I think I'll end this one here. This is great, keep writing music! I absolutely love that you put in the message the way you did on the top, may be inspiration for me!
It is a great sentimentality to the struggle that you face. Thank you so much for sharing. I hope that you find the beauty in everything, the way that it should be. Stay strong, friend!
-joallover






Thanks for the review!

I'm thinking of changing the line "That would just be foolish; it would leave quite a nasty stain" because it would be sung (or possibly spoken; I'm not sure yet) sarcastically to let the listener know that yes, that line is sarcastic, but maybe I could come up with something that fits the rest of the tone better (as much as the odd sarcastic line appeals to me).

"Waking in a Heavy Gray Haze: The Sequel" isn't a reference, so I will probably change it to one of your suggestions, because I like alliteration. Thanks for the review!



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Sat Sep 17, 2016 10:40 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay. Well, first, to address your concerns about the line “waking in a heavy gray haze: the sequel”—I liked that line. Yes, I probably wouldn’t have known what it meant if your note hadn’t been there, but that’s okay. I feel like people who self-medicate would understand, and to the rest of us it can at least sound like a unique line we won’t hear in anyone else’s song. Plus, we could at least infer the meaning from the earlier line about taking a pill to soothe the mind.

that’s not when the effects start to fade.
I took the pill to soothe my mind in the morning light.
Three hours after sunset, I get the default setting on my brain.


That clues us in to the fact that the song is about self-medicating and trying to deal with depression when the medication wears off. So I think it’s okay if not all the readers precisely understand the exact meaning of every line.

I did have a few spots that sort of struck me as weird, though.

I know that in this type of song, I’m supposed to talk about midnight.
That would be inaccurate;


This might just be me, but I can’t stand it when songs break the fourth wall. I actually find it kind of corny when any singer ever sings about singing, even if they don’t mention the fact that they’re currently singing a song. I can’t explain why. It’s just something I really hate. So there’s that. Then the “that would be inaccurate” struck me weird, not quite sure why, unless it’s that “inaccurate” is both a dull word (generic and doesn’t paint a picture) and feels like an oddly…no, and that it didn’t seem to fit the tone.

I know that if this were a movie, I’d pour my wine onto the rug.
That would just be asinine; it would leave quite a nasty stain.


Two points on this quote. The first is, I don’t really understand the first line. I mean, is people pouring wine on the rug when depressed a Thing in movies? To me it seems more like a Thing in advertisements for carpet cleaners. But maybe I’m just watching the wrong movies.

And then “asinine” and “quite a nasty” are again words that neither really show me what the narrator is dealing with nor match the tone of the song.

At 11:11 PM, I wish for suicidality
To no longer be my normality.


I like the bridge, but the words “suicidality” and “normality” bug me for the same reasons “inaccurate,” “asinine,” and “quite a nasty” bug me. Do the lyrics absolutely have to rhyme here? I know the chorus uses a lot of near rhymes, but they’re not such perfect rhymes that it would be weird for the bridge not to rhyme. Plus I feel like if you don’t worry about rhyming here, you open yourself up to so many better turns of phrase that would fit the tone. But those two words were my own problem with this stanza—I liked the use of 11:11 PM and the mythology surrounding it.

So I don’t know if changing those will help you feel better about this, but those are my only suggestions here!






"Two points on this quote. The first is, I don%u2019t really understand the first line. I mean, is people pouring wine on the rug when depressed a Thing in movies? To me it seems more like a Thing in advertisements for carpet cleaners. But maybe I%u2019m just watching the wrong movies."

You haven't been watching enough movies about people who abuse alcohol. A common Thing in movies is for an alcoholic or someone who wants a drink but knows they shouldn't be drinking to pour the drink onto the ground. It has always Bugged Me.

The two lines that you thought didn't fit the tone of the song? Are actually intentionally different. Unfortunately, that doesn't come across in text alone, but those two lines are to be sung sardonically and the rest of the song more seriously. I feel like I might change "asinine" to "foolish" because that allows the line to be sung more smoothly, but "lol I bet if I were a movie character I'd pour this booze out instead of drinking it, but you know what, that's a terrible idea" is the kind of darkly acerbic thing I often think when depression has me by the hair. That doesn't mean it works in a song, though...hmm. I'll think about that one.

I used the word "inaccurate" because singing about midnight would be inaccurate to my situation; my SSRI wears off at about eleven, not midnight. I think I'll change "that would be inaccurate" to "that wouldn't be right" because you're right about the word "inaccurate" sticking out like a sore thumb.

Thanks for the comment!




Let the wild rumpus start!
— Maurice Sendak